scritchscratch

Wow. For the first time in forever, I feel caught up. I mean. I’m NOT. But. I guess it’d be more accurate to say that I don’t feel so far behind that I’ll never catch up. Give it a day. :op

I am really hungry. Odd, since I actually ate breakfast this morning. eh. Apparently pms. *shrugs*

So. I ended up working last nite. Well, evening shift. Which I rarely do. But I was on a 1:1, so it wasn’t horrible. (Actually, most ppl complain like crazy when they’re stuck on 1 to 1s, but I really don’t mind them. Everyond is always like “Don’t you get bored? Just sitting there staring at someone? How can you sit there and read for 4 hours without moving?? Don’t you have to pee?” *shrugs* I guess when you don’t ever get more than 12 consecutives minutes to do anything except sit in class – or at least when it feels like that- you don’t mind such things. Besides, it means that I don’t have to actually interact with people. heh.) But. Anyways. The girl, after a bit of a bad start….well, starting the nite before last when she was admitted…and proceeded to try to strangle herself with…her socks? Either her socks or the pillowcase, I forget…and then finding a little piece of wood on the gym floor and trying to cut with it and…etc. Well. By the time we got there for eve shift last nite….as we were in report they banged on the door and said they needed help. So we all go out and she’s standing at the end of the hall, and apparently has something. Staff saw her pick it up, but she won’t give it up. lah. She kept denying that she had anything. Then she turned towards the door (it’s a door, but mostly a “window”? It’s a door, but mostly a pane of ‘glass’. Anyways. So, she turns towards that and somewhat obviously pulls whatever it was from under her sleeve and then tries to discreetly put it in her mouth. Well. With 6 staff staring at you, it’s difficult to do anything very discreetly. So. We stood there for another five minutes reasoning with her, til she finally took it (a staple) out of her mouth and gave it to Angie. (Angie is one of those nurses…LPN actually…who needs to get the fuck out of that place. She is so wonderful. She needs to be somewhere where people appreciate her. Like several other staff…carroll and kathy and jan…and…uh…that’s about all….eheh. *shrugs*) Anyways. So then she goes past all of us (we no longer had to ‘corner’ her, cuz she gave up the contraband) and beelined for the rec room. With me right on her heels. eheh. And she went right under the table and proceeded to get another staple out of the chair- some of them were reupholstered (how the hell is that spelled….) and have staples all on the bottom. So that’s where she got it from. But I was like “I don’t think so….” and pulled the chair away from where she was under the table, and then went around and moved the other one as well, before she could get to it. And I just sat down and watched her. She gave me plenty of dirty looks. heh.

Anyways. So. We went in and finished report and when I came out, I was her 1:1. She was good the rest of the evening. At first she wouldn’t talk or look at me (or anyone) but then one of her peers came in- another one who had been acting out most of the weekend…the one, I think, who was teaching this one some tricks…and they started…*shrugs* looking at each other with…Looks. But they weren’t causing trouble. And then Becky started a group and neither of them really participated, but they weren’t rude and they answered when spoken to, tho none to enthusiastically and somewhat superficially mostly. But whatever. Group was over and they had some free time til dinner, and another peer came and sat with them and they started talking about SI and cutting and overdosing and such. And technically I should’ve told them they weren’t allowed to be discussing such things– I mean, they’re allowed to discuss them, but not boast about them, I guess. And they were bordering on boasting but. Not…really. I think the other staff, some of them, would’ve considered it as that (cuz I’ve been around when kids’ve gotten yelled at for what, to me, seemed a lot less like boasting than what these girls were talking about…) But. Mostly they were telling their stories. “I took ___ and ___ and it still didn’t work, I just don’t know why…” “yeah. well. I took ____ and ____ and ___ and drank half a cup of _____” (and this kind of made me chuckle, even tho I didn’t on the outside but. Perhaps i have a fucked up mindset, but just the way the other girl replied…) the other girl was like “Wow. And it didn’t kill you? How disappointing!!!” And. She wasn’t meaning it insultingly or anything. Just. I mean. *shrugs* She was pretty right. When you try and try and try and don’t succeed…it IS disappointing! (Truth be told, I was surprised the girl woulda lived too, or at least didn’t have severe damage. All the pills she took, plus a cup of some kind of house-cleaner bleach kind of product. but not bleach, that woulda burnt her esophagus right out. But still…)

Anyways. They weren’t talking loudly enough that any of the other kids were paying attention. But more than that…they were *talking* Communicating. Connecting. They weren’t trying to give each other tips on how to kill themselves or anything like that.

Then their dinner came- they both had to eat on the unit- and they ate and everyone else went down to the caf. Then I went to the caf to get food to bring back and left them with Norma and when I got back the other girl had gone to her bed in the QR, and my girl was just sitting in the rec room sort of talking to Norma, who then left. So it was she and I and another boy who had been left back cuz he’s pretty inappropriate and exposes himself to people when in the cafeteria. He’s more MR than MH, in my opinion.

Anyways. So. Then the conversation turned to cutting. And discussing how everyone, nearly all of their friends cut. And then discussing the girls who did it for attention. And. Mostly I’m pretty sure they either thought I wasn’t listening or forgot that I wasn’t listening….which…is good. But. Anyways. So it was really interesting to see some of their immediate reactions. Like the girl I was one to one with….when they started talking about another girl who “just does it for attention”….I could just see by the look on her face (before she made it blank again…) that the thought of that was mostly unfathomable to her. I dunno.

Later on in the nite, when it was about time to go, Becky was at the desk and I was standing there and she was like “Ok, I just don’t get this….this girl… “Y”…doesn’t want to go back to her grp home cuz she’s afraid that the girl who beat her up will still be there and will beat her up again. So. She cut herself. I don’t get it!!!” I was like “Uh…cuz she knows if she cuts she’ll prolly stay here longer…” and Becky was like “But. She doesn’t want to get beat up cuz she doesn’t want to be in pain…and then she cuts herSELF?? It makes no sense….” I surprised myself. Usually I’d just shrug and be like “dunno…” or give some noncommittal answer. But. I was like “It does make sense. There’s a whole different dynamic between hurting yourself and someone hurting you. With cutting, you control the pain. You decide when it starts, when it stops….you’re in control…” Becky was like “*sigh* Well. I still don’t get it….” “Yeah, most people don’t…” I said.

Sometimes I just want to pull some of these kids aside and be like “look. Look. I have scars too….” Cuz so often they just look as if no one understands them, at all. And unfortunately, many people where I work just don’t. Nor do they take the time to. They think it is all JUST for attention seeking. And. Alot of the time it IS for attention seeking. Because that’s how they know how to get attention. Other times….it’s simply a coping mechanism that ends up garnering a lot of attention because of the lengths they have to go to to injure themselves there.

It REALLY pisses me off when someone cuts and then SHOWS staff what they’ve done, and staff gives them a look of disdain and is like “Now WHY did you go and do THAT to yourself….” holy christ. how about “thank you for showing me…wanna tell me what’s up…”

Ok. I’m not giving enough credit maybe. I’ve been in therapy, dealing with such issues, and have been fortunate to have gotten treated in a non-judgemental, non-accusatory manner. So I know there are alternatives. And those kids (or adults even) who hurt themselves in secret and then tell staff after they’ve done it? Sure…maybe they’re trying to be manipulative. Or maybe they’re trying to be absolved a bit of their guilt- maybe they know they’ve done “wrong” and are trying to own up to their behaviour, or apologize in a way, for it. I dunno.

And. I hate working evening and day shift, because when you’re surrounded by staff who are low on compassion…it’s really easy (for me) to sink to that level. I’ll be reprimanding a kid and in my head I’ll be thinking “geesus. I would be acting the same damn way…”

So does that make them sane…or me crazy?

Sometimes I wish I could just pull my sleeves up and shove them in some of the staff’s faces and be like “LOOK. All this time you’ve thought that I was “normal”, you’ve been under the impression that I was one of You. Well. I’ve we’re playing the “us/them” game, then let me tell you something…I’m a whole helluva lot closer to THEM than to YOU. And I’m GLAD for it. :oP ”

heh. Oh, if only….

It just frustrates me. Because I can’t save the world. For every 1 kid that sharing my story with would help, 20 more would use it against me or use it as fuel for their own fire or something…I dunno. I would love to work with these kids. But on a smaller scale. In a more controlled setting. Well. Maybe not more “controlled” perse. But…more consistent. I mean. WTF…when STAFF is asking a kid “Are you allowed to have this? Does other staff let you do this…”…SOMETHING IS WRONG. What do you think 9 out of 10 kids is going to say “well, gee. Actually, No. This is completely against the rules. I was just asking you cuz I know you’re new and I was hoping to get away with it. But since you asked..no, I’m not allowed to do this!” *rolls eyes* Kids -without- emotional and psychiatric issues wouldn’t even do that. They’re children for gawd’s sake. Of COURSE they’re going to say “Oh yeah, staff lets me do this all of the time” or “well, the last shift let me!!” (of course, usually the last shift DID let them, regardless of whether it’s allowed or not…) It drives me up the wall.

Most of these kids come from unstable environments where the rules change depending on how the wind blows. They never know what to expect or when to expect or if someone’s going to keep their word or break it….so they come to this facility and….end up in the same exact environment. I mean, at least at the psych center, they’re not gonna get slapped or beat up for random reasons. But still. Kids need some structure. Everyone needs some structure. How else do you learn how to trust that the floor isn’t going to just drop out from under you at any given moment? When your brain is still so small, you need some way to keep everything in order, ya know? Your external environment needs to have some order, or internally you’ll be a mess.

That’s my opinion at least.

Not…that I speak from…uh…experience or anything…no. Not me….*rolls eyes*

Seriously tho. I don’t have half the problems most of them do, but still…chaos and plans constantly changing….really drives me close to the edge. (Ok. J’s voice nagging again. Let me rephrase. Their problems are no easier or harder than mine. But they don’t have half the resources that I do…how’s that….) Hell, people being 15 minutes late can send me in to such an internal turmoil that it’s not even funny.

Of course, I’ve learned to “deal” with this. Or at least I’ve learned to not let on how much it bothers me. Because people are, and always wil be, late. And I don’t generally fault them for it. But still. Anytime it happens, I’m thrown right back in to childhood…always being the LAST kid sitting there waiting for someone to pick me up or show up. If anyone showed up anyways, which in my later years, they didn’t and I just told everyone that my ride would be there later, and I’d wait til they all left and then I’d walk home, cuz I was too embarassed that I’d been forgotten again. Things like this can work their way under a person’s skin, and it’s really hard to “outgrow” them or to relearn how to deal with them. I dunno. I’m babbling. I’m hypersensitive, oversensitive. Something. I’m all up for spontaneaity sometimes. But ambiguity….ehhh.

Wow. That was certainly a rant. Oops.

So. After my 1:1 was in bed (we talked, and she had decided that she would be good and not hurt herself cuz she wanted out sooner and also wanted off one to ones. And, she even smiled at me a few times, once she figured out that I wasn’t trying to make her life a living hell on purpose….Well, after that…another kid- the innapropriate one…started acting up. He ended up getting carried out of the rec room and put in the QR. Where, of course, I had to watch him cuz my girl was still 1:1 even tho she was sleeping, so she was in the other QR.

I love being called a stupid bitch by an 11 year old who probably doesn’t even comprehend what the hell he is saying. It was just kinda sad (well, before it got really fucking annoying…) cuz he was just threatening up one end of the room and down the other. Raising his fist to me, trying to stare me down (tho he doesn’t even come up to my shoulders, he’s a little guy), trying to intimidate me with evil eyes and this….stern…voice? Commanding voice. Or, that was it’s intent I suppose. But. Ya know. All talk and no action. Cuz he’d raise his fist and pull it back and I would just stand there, in the doorway. And he’d come closer and closer and closer and I’d just stand there and be like “what is that going to accomplish….think about your actions…” blahblahblah. And he’d get right in front of me with his fist pulled back and a growl on his face and I still wouldn’t move and he’d move his fist to my face and then start pointing at me. And I didn’t move until he started poking me in the chest at which point I grabbed -his- wrist and informed him that his best move would be to NOT touch me again. Which of course started him again on the “What’re you gonna do to me? You can’t do anything to me…” Au contraire little man. (No, I didn’t say that.) I did, however, inform him of the consequences of being aggressive towards other patients, as well as being aggressive to staff, not following directives, attempting to hurt others, etc.

Well, long story short. We tried about every therapeutic response we could think of. And he finally ended up getting a shot (2 actually) in his ass. Of course, as soon as I mentioned that the nurse was going to give him a shot (this was after he threw things out of the room at me and “punched” me in the stomach) he started howling and balling and pleading and begging and being like “noooo, noooo, I’m sorry! I just want to go to sleep!!! No, please no!!!” heh. Sorry buddy. You’ve said Sorry about 24 times tonite, and your actions did not follow your words, no more chances. Well. The shots calmed him down right quick. Well. The actual shot did. For about 8 minutes. And then he was up again, complaining now that his bum hurt and etc etc etc and getting aggressive again. And I was like dude…you have more prn’s we could give you. You want some more shots??? (*sigh* Yeah, do I hate myself that I end up resorting to threats? yes. But at that point I was ready to strap the little brat to the bed. lah. He had just touched me one too many times.)

But. The kid, I believe, is more MR than MH. And he just doesn’t hear a word anyone says. Unless he wants to, alot of the times. So I….firmly redirected him back to his room. He howled for a bit longer and *then* the meds finally kicked in. (geesus tho. 100 of thorazine and however much of whatever else he had- ativan probably…..woulda prolly been enough to knock me out in 2 minutes. Especially since he had already had his bedtime meds a few hours earlier, one of which I know was ativan as well.)

I’m pretty opposed to giving children all of those meds. Especially at those doses. But. Is the medication better than putting them in four point restraints? Are four points better than letting them beat their head off of the wall until they’re bloody?

I don’t know where to draw the lines.

Which is why I do not plan on going in to psychiatric nursing.

I am getting sicker as the day goes on. Lovely. It was just a sore throat yesterday, and a kind of empty fullness in my ears. Now it’s that, plus the occasional semi-productive cough, and a runny nose. I don’t have time to be sick, so it had better go away soon.