Savanah

I would like to name a child Savannah. I’ve always loved the name. Probably since Prince of Tides. I dunno.

I just finished reading the account of Savanah’s Journey. It’s here. and it made me sad. For selfish reasons. I read about how certain nurses made such a difference to her at times. And I became angry with myself for failing school. For losing my chance to be one of those *good* nurses. Cuz I woulda been. I woulda been one of the ones that parents wouldn’t necessarily thank, but later, when the journey was over, when they thought about the long days and nites in the hospital or during the sickness, they might recall my face and think “She really had a way with my kid……”

And maybe that sounds….selfish? Something. But. It makes me mad at myself that I can’t help those little ones. Can’t be just a speck of comfort on their sometimes comfortless days.

And yet, I know I can’t succeed at nursing. Even if, at one time, I could’ve…I’ve failed too many times now. I’ve had too much confidence crushed. “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right”….I know I can’t. What’s more….I don’t know that I want to.

I mean, yeah, I want to be maybe that one with just a little more hint of gentleness when doing spinal taps and all that jazz. But. I don’t want all of that other crap that goes with it, I don’t think. Maybe I do. I don’t know. But nursing is out of the question now.

So now what?

I don’t know. I was talking in therapy yesterday, about how when I start getting anxious about the future, about the Now What, how I’ve just been trying to step back and go day by day. Focus on just saving money, climbing out of the enourmous debt I’m in, and then go from there.

But that only works for so long for me, and then I start feeling like “But you’re not making any plans…how will you get anywhere if you don’t know what you’re working towards…” Cuz somehow, working on *today* isn’t….isn’t working towards anything. If that makes sense.

More and more I know that I want to work with kids. And more and more, Psychology is looking like a somewhat valid option. But I don’t necessarily want to be a child psychologist or anything like that. How cliche is it to say I just want to make a difference in a kids’ life? But not necessarily by doing or being anything special. heh.

Maybe I just need to be a parent. But I’m obviously not quite at that stage of life yet in any sense except emotionally.

Jen was writing in her LJ about how she feels selfish when she talks about how it feels to have lost her mother. And she…thanked me or something….

but at the same time, i can’t really say shit. i am the first person who will tell you that i never know what to say when things are suddenly tough. when times are the roughest, i don’t have words, usually. i am not good with hug-motions or conversations that out of the blue start to make your heart feel better. when death strolls in, i am probably one to avoid a lot with others. so this especially goes out to [Echo], because i know that she is trying & i don’t want her to feel guilty for not being paul hambke or maureen nolan. i may want others to ask this, or say that, to keep her alive with me. but i absolutely suck at helping others deal with the hardest stresses in their lives. so. i’m sorry if i spill crazylike on certain subjects.

And I don’t know what she’s saying there. If she’s trying to provide me comfort, or trying to thank me for providing her comfort unknowingly.? Mostly I just want to wrap the girl up in a huge hug, if only to make myself feel better. Cuz I can’t imagine losing my mother to cancer at such an early age (she only just turned 21, I think, a week after her mum’s death. A fact which I’ve been sworn not to tell any of our friends…)

UGH. I need to get ready for work. I need to stop being so introspective. I need to find something clean and appropriate to wear to work! Shite!!! I meant to do laundry today. Maybe tomorrow. Oi.