rush

ugh. weekend was amazingly amazing. but ended up calling off of work and staying an extra nite and then getting back to town late, meaning i had about 20 minutes at home before having to get in the car and drive another 2 hrs to my sister’s house and there is just a shiteload of stuff I needed to do, like take care of my animals, call M before she left for vacation, charge my phone (which is DEAD now. GRRRRRRR. And of course, I really, really could’ve used it today, for various reasons. NTS: Buy CAR CHARGER for cell phone…), refill my pill minder (i’ll never fucking be able to stay on meds. even when I’m trying to, I can’t. fuckup So many things so many things.

and I HATE being in a house with a gun in it. I know I’ve mentioned that before. Granted my state of mind isn’t quite as fragile as it was last time I was here (tho, getting closer), and also granted that I’d never think of such things while I was taking care of the baby, or any baby for that matter. It’s still just…bothersome.

Therapy was pretty good yesterday, I really, really like J’s new office. It’s much more comfortable and cozy than the previous one (er…not sure if therapy offices are s’posed to be cozy? i dunno. but i like it.) heh. But it was sort of like a “hello, weekend was great, gotta get back on the road now, see ya in two weeks…” kind of a thing. So I was rushed and unfocused (as if I’m EVER focused) and didn’t talk about some of the things I had been wanting to talk about. And it just sort of sunk in as I was sitting in this house with nothing to do (baby was sleeping) and no phone and desperately wanting to get ahold of some people….that J’s on vaca next week. Not that I’ll self destruct or anything in the span of a week. I just am always paranoid that something catastrophic will happen when she’s gone that I won’t be able to handle on my own. (haha. co-dependent much…oi vey. *sigh*)

AND I’m somewhat terrified at how quickly I seem to have fallen for AJ. I’ve been gone one day and all I want to do is get back in my car and drive the 2 hours to her house and snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie with her. That can’t be good. I’ve only known the girl for like, a month. If even that long! It’s not normal to get so attached so quickly. Is it?? UGH. I’m not sure I can handle relationships of this calibre. My heart still aches when I think about how M and I are so far away from each other. And we live in the same freaking town. And I don’t even love her…”that” way. Tho it occurs to me that it’s not the kind of love that makes the heart ache, it’s the intensity.

Why does this all make me want to run away?

fuckitall. I’m tired. need to go to bed. 2 hr drive tomorrow and i’ve been tending to get very sleepy when I drive lately. not kewl.

breathing, breathing, breathingscreaming…