Review

(Yes. I do know that it be me.)

(I also know it’s taking a great deal of distraction to not act on my impulses right now.

It’s great that it’s, oh, 5am and I am STILL awake. I can’t say that I have a strong desire to go to bed, perhaps cuz I’m so tired that I’m not sleepy. Perhaps because I don’t want to face the dreams. Perhaps because I want to force myself into such an exhausted state that I can blame my actions on fatigue.

It just started raining. It smells good. I miss AJ. She smells good. Like….night blooming jasmine.

I was cleaning out my emails, some of them, and came across the following dialogue of J and I’s, so I thought I should c&p it so that…so that i can stare at it tonite/this morning and shake my head to and fro. lah. I’m the first bit, her response is the second…

…At times I wish I didn’t know you, because it makes me sad that you witness this, that I dump all of this in a pile at your feet but offer nothing else.

You offer good things too: musicians I’d have never heard of, a
greater appreciation of poetry, a view of your life, a gentleness, a
beautiful smile. These are more than enough. Hugs, [J]

I dunno. For some reason tonite I felt/can feel myself pulling back, pulling away like a hand has reached out and caught the neck of my shirt, and my feet fly in front of me and I choke a bit but then I’m on the ground, shaken and confused at what just happened.

I’m angry that i can’t find anything sharp enough. I’m angry that I even looked. I’m frustrated that I can’t figure out a new place to. I’m frustrated that I’m even thinking about it.

Anyways.

sillycrazeme

August 5, 2005

(((HUGS)))

…the thing is? I mean really… there isn’t anything sharp enough… there isn’t any *place* to cut that is going to be more or do more than offer the most temporary of fixes. & even though I believe that sometimes we are so fully willing to trade resolve for that brief moment of relief & release… that moment will fade & we’re right back where we were which is: inside. within. IN IT.

It’s a really HUGE ENORMOUS deal you know? …even if forced (by ones self more than anything)… to face that. The world is a sharp enough thing & our own internal scream is a tender enough place… and we cut ourselves so often & so thoughtlessly & so deeply with that & there. Just my thoughts… is all. ((((hugs & hugs & hugs you))))) It’s hard. THAT is no lie.

love you, mean it.

…can I just add how incredibly jealous I am of the fact that you have “J” & therapy sorta/kinda/whatever 🙂 via email? I think that this should become a “new” sorta thing. Email therapy. I think I’d get FAR more out of Writing Therapy than Talk Therapy… or at least Talk supplemented by Writing. Y’know? Because there are so many things that I’m just not able to SPEAK clearly about

…or feel unable to give voice to… but I can write about them. I took printouts of stuff to my shrink a few times–but really… he was a psychiatrist–you know–so while he wanted to poke around my brain a bit he was really only mostly interested in the meds & how they were working or not & not so much in WHO I was or WHY. Y’know? I do think I need to find a GOOD counselor/therapist. *sigh*

Stupid small towns where even my regular doc can’t honestly recommend anyone she feels would be truly helpful… & then I see a new office open up & am curious about it–then see that it’s Lorraine & I DO think she’d be helpful… BUT I know her socially & how comfy would THAT be? Ummm, not so much. You know?