reprieve

I just talked to my sister. First time in…..months. On the phone at least. I guess we pseudo talked at mum’s on Xmas. Anyways. I had been in the other room watching Scrubs on dvd, and I heard my phone telling me I had a txt msg but I didn’t feel like getting up at the moment, thinking it was probably just something from verizon or whatever,and also that if it was M or AJ or something important, they’d txt again or call.

So when I came in to get ready for bed, I saw it was from H, just saying “busy?”

Well, generally when I send that msg to someone (usually J, lol…) it means I’m in crisis-type mode, so I decided to call her back, regardless of the awkwardidity factor. She was crying and upset about a bunch of stuff. So we just talked and chatted for a bit. Awkward but not too much. Lah.

Yoga today was lovely, as usual. M and I went to the tattoo place to look at my possible tattoo, and then she bought me dinner. She’s got a boytoy (not to be confused with a toy boy. Those come with batteries *grin*) and she chattered about him the whole time 🙂 Nice to see her happy again. I feel bad sometimes, cuz I can’t relate to some of what she’s talking about- the joys of sex and other such stuff- but I guess it’s balanced by my genuine willingness/wanting..ness… to listen. I wish I could contribute more to the conversation. But oh well. I’ve always been a better listener than talker.

I think I might splurge and start going to yoga twice a week. I really feel *so* good afterwards, and I really look forward to going every Wednesday. But today I was sitting there and the instructor was talking about, ya know, letting go of your tensions and such and if your mind starts dwelling on something, just let it go…accept that it’s there, but then just let it go….and I had to smile to myself, because one of the things J’s always trying to help me with is acceptance of where I am. Acknowledging and accepting, not judging. And in this yoga class I don’t find myself sitting and thinking “damnit, I’m not doing this right!!!”

And I don’t even find myself feeling self-conscious anymore either. I was at first, and then at the second session prolly, maybe even the first, we were doing some position and I was starting to think about “geez, am i doing this right? do i look like an idiot…” etc. And I happened to be on a mat behind J and I opened my eyes (i usually keep them closed unless we’re doing the balancing stuff) and looked at the back of her head for a second and it was just like….”duh.” By which I mean, I didn’t really have a verbalizable epiphany or anything. It was more just…a great many things J and I have worked on…and a lot of them just kinda clicked at that moment. And I closed my eyes and settled in to the pose and just….was.

lah. sleepy.

Gawd my apt is a mess.