pomegranate blueberry.

short things before going to bed and then driving to my sister’s:
i hate how much i miss aj, but i love how i’ll randomly be doing something and all of a sudden get this breath-stopping feeling of “ohmygawd i love her….” heh. 🙂
only a few more days til we head off to NYC. I hope it turns out to be a wonderfully fun and adventurous time. i’m trying not to be stressed, but right now i am majorly stressed. i think i’ll be ok once i figure out where the hell to stay!!!
my tax refund came yesterday and i sent it off to be deposited today. along with my rent. so, yay!
i’m seriously considering setting up a paypal donation thing just to see if anyone would do such a thing. lol. wonder if there’s a way that ppl can donate annonymously? hmm.
my former poetry prof- dr t….his brother was hit by a car while jogging last week and he died. i’m having a difficult time with death this week. and this morning i figured out/remembered why. summer approaches. the season of death. *sigh*
m’s having major issues with e. nothing new there, but it seems to be moving to another level. not a good level. it scares and saddens me. i want to fix it, and i can’t. i worry about m, but i worry about the kids too. rb i don’t know about. he’s sometimes unpredictable/hard to read in situations like this. but db i worry about. i know i’m biased, but. seriously, the girl is so perceptive, so sensitive. resiliant, too, i’m sure. but i just. i wish we were closer. she has a wonderful relationship with m and they talk and are open with each other. but i just hope, i dunno. i just want her to know that if there’s ever anything she wants to talk about, but not necessarily bring up with m, that she can come to me. sometimes i think she’s too perceptive, and knows her mum so well that she won’t bring up something that’s bothering her, for fear of it bothering her mum too much. heh. at least, if she’s anything like me…(and small pieces of her are much like me. thankfully the sensitive, caring bits and not the depressive, neurotic bits *grin*)
i just hope i can be there for all of them when they need me.
i keep trying to hate e. and. sometimes i manage it. but then i think back to the summer i lived with them, and how wonderful it all seemed. like the time i was leaving the house at some odd late hour and he was like “where are you going?” and then before he even finished the phrase was like “aaaack! i’m sorry! it doesn’t matter ,have a good time!”
but it touched me, it really did. he’s the only decent father-type figure i’ve ever knonw. how sad is that?
i asked pdoc to write me a script for ativan today. it really seemed to help at the hospital and i’ve felt myself slipping the last few days. not that i intend to fall back on meds to save my sorry ass. but. i just want…i dunno. it worked. when i was really anxious, it helped to calm me down and didn’t totally wig me out. and it’d be nice to know that i have that option should i absolutely need it. plus, i’m not feeling opportunistic in regards to building my pill collection for now, so. (tho it scares me how easily people trust me. i was like “hey, doc f…can you write me a script for some ativan please?” “sure. what strength? how many times a day?” good thing i’ve no plans to be an addict…i could prolly string him along for quite some time before he realised anything was up. but. i guess that’s why he trusts me- cuz i’m trustworthy :p) i did mean to ask him for no refills, but i forgot. oh well. i’ll practice some self-control. pltzzz.
i realize this entry lacks for proper punctuation, et al. but i’m tired and have a bit of a headache and am feeling a tad overwhelmed right now. so. sleepy time. then drive time. then hopefully some quality snuggle time with my nephew.
i can’t decide whether i should take my bathing suit or not. it’s been quite some time since i’ve shaved my legs. wonder what my sister would say…prolly roll her eyes and make some comment about if i have to be a lesbian, can’t i at least be the kind that shaves…lol. aj seriously would prefer i didn’t have man-legs as well. but i don’t, really. it stops growing noticably after a bit. *shrugs* i still shave my armpits at least. sometimes. 🙂
i’ve been taking a bunch of pics, but nothing spectacular. and nothing i’ve had much time to fenagle with. definately next week tho, after a picfest with Z and in NYC. i plan on ditching the “i don’t want them to know i’m a tourist” attitude this time and capturing whatever strikes my fancy. as usual, i wish i had a “real” camera, so i’d feel less like a tourist and more like a photographer!
em leaves on friday and this makes me sad and anxious. she won’t be back next semester, as she student teaches nearly two hours away. we really connected this semester, and could sorta rely on each other to be there when there was a breakdown at 1am or whatever. she was just someone i could….go to. usually we wouldn’t even talk about whatever was causing the problem. we’d just heat up some soup and she’d make biscuits or eggs and we’d babble about random weird shit. jen and i have been getting closer, but it’s not quite the same. jen’s much more…closed off, in a sense.
UGH. why can’t aj live hheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere? *whines*
oh well.
there’s talk of me being offered a FT position at the psych center.
decisions decisions.
oh yeah. last nite i also finished “me talk pretty one day” by david sedaris. and started and finished “girl, interrupted”. next i will finish “the poisonwood bible” and then i think i’ll read “angels & demons” since i’ve had it forever and not ever looked at it…