Pickin’ Fights….****edit****

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this actually took place last nite, as I was once again not able to sleep very much. Today is today and I gave up trying to sleep at around noon. Got up and scrambled to get Dr F’s web pages as close to finished as possible since in my effort to avoid therapy this week, J suggested we meet at her town office and walk to school where she would put the pages/show me how to put the pages on to the server. So. I worked on those until I realized it was a quarter til 3 at which point I got one of the quickest showers I’ve ever gotten (I s’pose it was roughly the length that most normal people spend in the shower, as I pretty much just got in, washed my hair and got out. I assume that’s what people do, as most people I know don’t spend 25 mins standing under boiling hot water as I tend to do. eheh. Fortunately I don’t pay my own water bill.) Combed my hair, threw Mercury in my bag, and then went to meet J. I was only 10ish minutes late. heh. My phone sang just as I opened the door to the building but I didn’t answer it cuz it was J’s ringtone. lah.

So. We walked mostly in silence up to school and got the stuff loaded without much difficulty. I do need to go in tho and make sure I can get to the server to update when necessary. I don’t think I can do it from home, cuz they have their own server dohickey and it appears to be a MAC thing. Tho. The site doesn’t look exactly right when viewed on a MAC which bothers me a great deal. I will have to see if I can fix that.

It took us awhile and by the time we were done it was time to head back downtown. As I was gathering my stuff, she said something about how I got thru it without talking about any therapy related subjects. *sigh* All I thought was…Sometimes even when you win, you lose…and then my mind started buzzing. I didn’t know how to react to her comment. I felt like screaming, but not at her. Just at me. I couldn’t talk and own up to the actual state of mind I’ve been in, since I had been trying so hard to keep her from noticing. Yet I couldn’t talk about fluff either cuz in my head I’d just be like “ok, you’re sitting there talking about NOTHING but you have a million things pounding around in here that need to be let out…” So I just continued to put my stuff in my bag and didn’t really commit either way.

We talked a little on the way back downtown but we may as well have been talking to the wind, for all that I was absorbing of what she said and for all of the nothingness that I said. We were walking along one of the side streets cuz it’s a more pleasant way of getting to her office than taking Main the whole way. I looked alot at the leaves, either the ones on the ground or the branches hanging down. And. I just. I felt like sitting down on the ground and pulling my hair and just breaking down. (ya know. Kinda like Marge Simpson, when she just stopped her car in the middle of the bridge. “All” because..what…cuz she didn’t even get one of the cupcakes or something? Maybe it wasn’t Marge Simpson. Some fed up mother/wife person either cartoon or real. I dunno.)

But that’s a bit more dramatic than I’m capable of. Or. It’s…it’s just something I wouldn’t ever allow myself to do, cuz Echo doesn’t do such things as that. No public breaking. Keep visible signs of breakage to a minimum. *screams*

And I thought about telling J that that’s what I felt like doing. Just sitting down and stopping and not going anywhere and letting myself break. But knowing her, she woulda been like okay! and pulled me to the ground to commence in doing so. But. Ya know. It doesn’t work like that. The only thing that would’ve really stopped is our progress down the street, nothing else. The world doesn’t stop with us. And. ya know. She had other clients and such to see. So it wasn’t really a valid option anyways. Which is why I never would’ve done it.

We got to her office and she said gimmie a hug… cuz our time was up. And so I did but I just had to pull away and walk away (eheh. Running was more what my brain wanted to do, but that would’ve looked odd. So I just slowly speed-walked home.) cuz. I dunno. I knew if I let her hug me for another second I would’ve…would’ve what? Cried? Prolly not even tho the tears were in my eyes and the lump was in my throat. Start babbling? Not real likely. I would’ve just stood there wishing that I wouldn’t have to let go, that’s all. And then she would’ve stopped hugging me and gone in to her office and I would’ve gone home.

I s’pose what it boils down to is that I must’ve realized in those few seconds that little voice in me was screaming that I didn’t want her to let go but all the bigger voices were insisting that she had to and I wanted desperately to listen to the little voice but knew that I couldn’t or wasn’t allowed to.

She said to me on our way back to town that sometimes she thought that I was my own worst enemy. heh. Well. Yeah, I am. It feels like two halves of me are always at war with each other, and then there’s a third part (which is the Me part, or which is the only part I feel like I can ever control) who is standing there watching the other ones. Afraid to get in the middle, not able to get far enough away to avoid the shrapnel. Which. Ya know. I’m exhausted and so this makes perfect sense….there can’t possible be three halves of something. So you have two halves. And then the third part doesn’t really exist at all. So I know that there is no third part, that there can’t be. That the “me” part is either one half or the other. But there it is. I still feel like I’m that third part, that it exists even if it can’t exist. It’s kind of oxymoronic existentialism?? I don’t even know. I don’t even know.

And even if I do know, it’s buried under the buzzing and bored thru by the flying shrapnel and….and I’m tired.

Anyways. Below is the part I wrote last nite but didn’t post.
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Wow. I MUST be tired. Lookit me, makin’ a nice lil’ flame war. eheh. But. Dude. It just hit the wrong nerve, ya know??? The topic and her view on it. Her poor grammar and spelling. C’mon, I can ignore it to a point, but every time I read another “ne ways” I wanted to poke my eyes out. And. And I just needed someone to be annoyed at. eheh.

I admit. I STARTED IT. And it was childish of me to continue it. But such is life.

I don’t particularly like flame wars, and am done playing now. I shall resume my general behaviour of keeping my mouth shut and walking away when I come across similar entries from people. ESPECIALLY people I just come across on random…..(Truthfully, I would’ve put the notes on private in her entries, but I didn’t have the option. And. The first note wasn’t sent with the intention to start anything, just to, as I said, gently point something out.)

And yes, I realize I wasn’t being entirely factual or well-researched when comparing diabetes to BiPolar. But it’s hard to be very expanisve in 400 characters/note. 🙂

So…Here it is, me being a brat:

Me:
*random* I’m glad you seem to be dedicated to moving beyond the bad shite.
I just wanted to gently point out that people who cut aren’t all bi-polar. Nor do they all do it for attention or sympathy. *shrugs* Just, ya know, speaking from experience. I agree, life is what you make of it. But. Some of us have a harder time making good things. Like…some people can cook really well. Others can’t!
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Her:
i know that ppl who cut arent bipolar, i just didnt say it in my diary why my mom thinks my sisters bipolar. its bc my sister gets really happy n talks really fast n then slows down n gets pissed off. i left it out cuz i was too preoccupied on the whole “cutting” incident. i just dont believe in it.
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Me:
from YOUR front page: if anyone ever wants to chat or has ne questions about ne thing, ill do my best to help. i like to be here for anyone, because not everyone has someone to talk to. so talk to me!!
But…in your entries you don’t really come off as someone who would be empathetic? *shrugs* I just find it an interesting contradiction. Goddess knows I’m a walking bag of contradictions..

and no, i don’t live your life, i don’t know Your life. I have, however, worked in the mental health system for many years and deal with people who have bipolar disorders on a weekly sometimes daily basis. some -are- able to lead what society deems as ‘normal’ lives. others manage for a while and then slip back into the disorder. it’s not as easy as flicking a light switch.

and when they say it can be passed on…it’s like diabetes. that is partially genetic as well, but it doesn’t always manifest itself as a disease. It just depends on how the nature mixes with the nurture. you can live your life with diabetes genes and never actually have diabetes. same with bipolar and other disorders. and, it’s not *always* passed on to all offspring, sometimes not to any.

anyways. i’ll shut up now. i’m not trying to argue. I can’t feel sorry for you, but I can empathize and sympathize with you.
I hope things get better for you when you go off to college (or sooner)

be well,
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Her:
well i guess ur right i mean u have worked in a mental institution….

Her:
i also noticed in the note u left me u said some bi polar ppl are able to live “normal” lives. but y did u have normal in quotations? thats the thing…what is normal?? these doctors put ppl who are bi polar on meds bc they think there not normal. everyones just the way they are, they dont need medications and thats y i think its bullshit
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Me:
ryn: that’s exactly why I put normal in quotes. there’s not really a normal. It’s just what society deems is so-called ‘normal’ What may be normal to me may not be normal to you (*g* Matter of fact, I can say with some certaintly that my normal and your normal are altogether different things) Everyone has their own definition. That’s kind of the thing with cutting…it’s how some people cope….

…others use drugs or alcohol or cigarettes or therapy or shopping or exercising or meditating…
Some methods are healthier than others of course. And the healthy ones are thereby labeled Normal and the unhealthy ones are labeled Crazy or classified as a Disorder. But who are the labelmakers…

I’m not saying ppl should cut rather than meditate. Just that everyone handles things differently,

and what one person thinks is Stupid, another person may see as The Only Way.
When really it’s neither Stupid OR The Only Way. It’s just Another Way.

g’nite…
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Her:
whatever, the fact is ppl who cut just need to learn how to deal with things, but a doctors help or on their own. i dont think its a solution to ne thing. some of these girls on here cut over a breakup with their boyfriend…now gimme a break its just so ridiculous im out tho peace
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Her:
i just have one more question..are u a liberal? nm i gtg
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Me:
ryn about liberals: If someone had to put labels on me they would probably label me a liberal. And oh, it gets better. They’d probably even label me as a liberal feminist dyke.
:oD

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That’s all of it. Apparently she equates liberalism with everything a person should NOT be. hehe. It’s fun to be close-minded and to generalize everyone under nice tidy labels, isn’t it kids! *rolls eyes*

Going to try to sleep again.