Peace Offerings.

Ok. Either I feel better for having therapy today and J not being upset with me, or else the zyprexa that I took 40 minutes ago is kicking in. Or both, perhaps.

I took the zyprexa cuz today was just. bleh. My prof informed me that I didn’t get any of the chautauqua scholarships. Which, I promised myself I wouldn’t be disappointed about. But. I’m notorious for breaking such promises, I guess. And. It’s like. He was like “but I did want you to know that everyone really liked your work…” Uh. Yeah. Ok. Thanks, but that’s not exactly comforting. If everyone really liked my work, why did I not get a scholarship….*shrugs* Not that I’m angry. Just. Disappointed. Which is feeling I tend to avoid because I’m good at not trying for things I don’t think I’ll get. I need to remember to stick to that better.

I also have cramps that are way more painful than they have the right to be. It’s prolly good that I kind of got my period again. Tho. If it’s like last time, I will probably need to actually talk to my dr about it, given the cluster of symptom-things I’ve had for the past few weeks. Generally I’d ignore such things, but the whole shooting-pains thing is getting sort of tiresome. Hopefully it’ll go away when the other regular-ish cramps go away.

So. There’s that stuff. Plus, like I said, I didn’t get to sleep until probably 4am this morning, even tho I laid down at 10 or 11. I had intended to lay down around 7 or so, because I was really kind of upset about things- all the stuff I ranted about previously, plus the fact that we got to Clinical and Liz was like “might as well go home, there are no patients…” *sigh* So the other girls went home and Liz and I stayed for a little while, cuz I really wanted to do some baby taking-care of or see at least part of a birth or SOMETHING. *sigh* No luck. So, I got home and was just pissed off.

I decided to put together a cd that I’d been meaning to do for some time- a mix of Ani songs for J. Plus, I’d been basically silent and/or short with her all week and felt that I needed some sort of…peace offering. Or…at least an ice breaker? Something.

So. I sat with the 10 or 12 Ani cd’s I have…didn’t even touch the mp3s, because other than the fact that I have a bunch of them and many of them have been put on other cd’s for her, they also mess with the volume levels— it turns out more equalized when things are all from cds, since the mp3s all tend to be recorded at different levels. I ended up with 17 songs from 9 different albums, I think? The first song is actually the Anna Nalick Breathe (2am) song, because I’m still obsessed with it, and wanted to put it on a cd for J, but didn’t have enough ‘new’ stuff that seemed to work for a compilation. Boy, was it difficult for me to let myself put it on the Ani cd. Can we say OCD?….

I’m actually rather pleased with the results. Many of the songs are ones that I quote either here or to her somewhat frequently. Others are just ones that really fit my current mental state. And some others weren’t even actually ones that I had considered until I was looking thru the lyrics, and realized that they were also fitting. Lots of the pieces are from live and/or bootleg albums, so there’s lots of chatter and applausing going on, which some of it gets annoying, but yet I still like it, cuz it’s real, and it reminds me of seeing her in concert.

So. I picked out all the songs and thing weeded it down to the ones that’d fit on a cd, and then spent a while getting them into the right order. All in all, I guess it took me 4 hours. It was nice to be completely engrossed in something that wasn’t pissing me off. (Except I got so pissed off cuz my stereo was all fucked up. I kind of hit it very hard, several times. And. It kind of works again. At least for a little while at a time. Sometimes violence is the answer??)

And then I went online and got all of the lyrics for all of the songs and put them into a word document. Spent a while playing with fonts and sizes and such to condense it as much as possible, yet keep it readable (ended up at 3 pages, front and back, 3 columns each page, 8 pt font!)

Then this morning I went online and into my files and got some nice pics of Ani. I used one of those metal boxes that AOL sends free discs in, and put one pic of Ani on the front and then a collage on the inside front. And another pic of her reaching her hand out (thought it was especially apropros) along with the track list on the inside of the bottom.

I think it felt good to just start and finish and entire project, to my liking, while not shirking other work that should’ve been being done. Plus, it’d been a little while since I had made J a cd.

Anyways. So. I gave it to her at the beginning of the session and we sat and listened to it for a few minutes, then sat on the couch and talked, kind of. She talked, I listened, to both her and the cd. eheh. lah lah lah. She did say she liked it, so that’s good.

And. I dunno. The session wasn’t particularly good, nor was it bad. As usual, I couldn’t really talk, But she did talk some about people having difficulty and getting tongue tied in therapy and that that doesn’t mean it’s not working or bad or anything. So. That makes me feel better. And. It just felt kinda good to just sit with her on the couch for a while. I wasn’t feeling especially disgusting or untouchable, so. And I guess mostly I didn’t have much to say, I was just relieved that everything was Ok.

I did come home not in the best mood…some of the songs on the cd really kind of get to me (but not horribly, just when I think too much on them…) but I came home to find that Em had msg’d me while I was out. And we started chatting. She finally got her blood drawn so maybe they’ll figure out what is up with her, if it’s something other than med withdrawl. wee.

So. I also came home to a letter from the “Society for Collegiate Journalists” which is a national honorary society of collegiate mass communicators. Someone apparently submitted my name for initiation into this society. “The media organization to which you belong has determined that your contribution has been substantial and significant” Uhm…come again? What media organization would that be?? The only thing I can think is that it’s for the literary arts journal.

So. I dunno. I’m probably not going to do it, cuz the banquet initiation thing is on Thursday, and they want $45 for fees and such. So. *shrugs* Nice to be thought of, I guess.

Lah. So, the songs that I put on the cd are:
1. Breathe (2am)- anna nalick
2. Evolve (Sacramento 10.25.03)
3. Angry Any More (Up, Up, Up, Up, Up, Up)
4. Studying Stones (Knuckle Down)
5. Virture (Up Up Up Up Up Up)
6. Recoil (Knuckle Down)
7. Grand Canyon (Atlanta 10.9.03)
8. Little Plastic Caslte (Little Plastic Castle)
9. Up Up Up (Up Up Up Up Up Up)
10. Educated Guess (Sacramento 10.25.03)
11. Tiptoe (Living in Clip- disc 1)
12. Welcome To: (So Much Shouting So Much Laughter, disc 1- stray cats)
13. Names + Dates + Times (Altanta (10.9.03)
14. Wish I May (To the Teeth)
15. Amazing Grace (Living in Clip – disc 1)
16. Letter to a John/Tamburitza Lingua (So Much Shouting So Much Laughter – disc 1, Stray Cats)
17. My IQ (So Much Shouting So Much Laughter – disc 2, girls singing nite)

All of that, and 16 seconds to spare. *rolls eyes*

Maybe I’ll go watch Girl, Interrupted since it was in the 4.50 bin at Wally World the other day, and my dvd of it was busted. I know, I know. I have no money to splurge on such things. But. Sometimes I’m just pretty damn irresponsible. *sigh* Or maybe I’ll watch Moulin Rouge or Billy Madison. Or maybe Happy Gilmore. While I put together my portfolio. Or maybe I’ll just go lay down. My tummy HURTS. Stupidass girl-parts. *grrr*