On Death and Dying

So. Yeah. The patient that I was assigned to last week….he died two days later.

I’m not weeping over his death. His wife and daughter were with him when I was there, they seemed to care for him a great deal. It’s not like he was a lonely old man with no one by his side.

I’m not devoid of emotion, either. I sat with him. I fed him icecream. I watched his brow furrow with pain. I listened to him call out for…his wife, I assume, or anyone, to hold his hand. I held his hand. I changed his soiled bedclothes.

I want to be a nurse. My patients will, on occasion, die. The specific field that I want to go in, my patients may more than occasionally die.

The patient I cared for today was more cognizant, more with it than last week’s pt. He was able to answer questions, I was able to examine him more fully. Last week’s pt was labeled “combative.” I’m sure, at some point in time, he was. One of his diagnosis was schizophrenia. Another was dementia. While we were there, however, I think he was just in pain. Lots and lots of pain. He had reason to be…grumpy.

Today I watched my patient get catheterized. Well. They tried to. But it was unsuccessful the first time. They managed it later, but I missed it. Today I helped change the soiled sheets of another patient, a jovial old man who was trying to make the best of his situation. I asked him, after we rolled him off his bad hip, if he was a little more comfortable. “Yeah,” he said “Now, if I didn’t have this bad hip I’d be all set!”

Today I sat and rocked a baby – maybe a year and a half old, just starting to speak. Well, at least, he said “ba-ba” and “mama” while I was there. He was on Droplet Precautions, which meant I had to wear a TB mask, gloves, and a plastic gown, just to enter the room. I’m not sure what was wrong with him, I hadn’t the time to look. They just needed someone to be with him, and I happened to be in the right place at the right time. His parents weren’t there. How could you leave your infant or toddler alone in a hospital? He was so feverish. And as I sat there rocking him, checking that his IV wasn’t mushed or that the site wasn’t being pressured, as I convinced him to take “just one more” sip of juice, as I stroked his forehead and hummed to him until he fell asleep…I wondered. I wondered what I would feel like if next week, my instructor informed me that he had died as well.

I can’t answer that. But sitting there, holding his little rag doll body, brushing the sweaty hair off of his red forehead, watching him use all the muscles in his chest and neck (which shouldn’t be used) to breathe….I miss that. Sick or healthy, I miss that. It just feels right to have a baby in my arms. (NOT one of my own. I’m not going all tick tock biological clock or anything. Still have NO desire to have my own.)

But. I think I can do that. Care for the little ones. Oncology. Or maybe home health or hospice care. Even with the knowledge that so many of those patients were dying…it still appeals to me. If I had a child who had to be hospitalized, I’d want them to have a nurse like me. Someone who really cared.

When I think of all the times that RB and my Doodlebug have been hospitalized…I can’t imagine M leaving them alone. Not for more than even 20 or 30 minutes at a time. Either she’d stay or E’d stay or *someone* would be there with them, almost always. But parents do. They just leave their babies, their children. Everyone needs rest, I understand. I guess. I dunno.

But. There are parents who do just leave. I’d be those kids’ nurse. *nods*

Anyhow. I’ve erased this entry once already. I’m tired! Fingers hitting the wrong keys.

My doctor’s office called today. Of course the one day of the year that I forget my phone at home. I shall hafta call them back tomorrow.

I need to get my taxes done.

I need the oil leak in my car looked at.

I need to get the cats to the vet.

Despite all of the things that I need to do….

I can sleep as long as I want tomorrow, or at least as long as I want til I need to get ready for class, since I finished all my homework and reading today during my break. But, I’ll prolly get up at least a few hours before I have to be at class, so I can study my pharm stuff some more.

lah. Xanthines and Expectorants and Antitussives, oh my!