offer up the deep

i just want to fucking sleep. i just laid here for 2+ hours and ended up feeling more awake than I did when I went to bed. Which would be great, if I weren’t still TIRED. Whatever.

I have a training in about 3 hours. Lasts for about 4 hours and then there’s some sort of company picnic. Which. I don’t really want to go to. But I don’t want to start a new job all anti-socialish and stuff.

Oh wait, yes I do.

Well. Not really.

Or. At least, I know I shouldn’t.

I wrote J a day or two ago. Sent her a link to the video TPoD had posted- the PostSecret one. Her response, in part, was this:

I am curious, though, about your e-mails to me. It seems that you want to be connected, but don’t want to commit to therapy? Cake and eat it, too?

To which I responded:

Actually, I write to you quite frequently but generally I delete before sending them because i do realize it is selfish (not exactly the word i want. I do realize it’s “cake and eat it, too” of me…) Sometimes i give in to the selfishness and let myself hit send anyways.

I’d like to say that I want to commit to therapy. But Wants are slippery and mercurial things sometimes. I knew I wanted to be committed to therapy the last time I entered in to it and yet I still managed to fuck it up. So attempting to commit to it when I can’t even commit to living life doesn’t seem fair.

One minute I want to be connected in the worst kind of way and the next all i want is to sever the few frail connections I have remaining. I apologize for sometimes catching you in the crossfire.

.
.

I was supposed to spend the last few days hanging out down at Em’s. But I managed to fuck that up too, and by now she’s probably at the other end of the state, preparing for her new job.

The bat (a bat? Not sure if it’s the same one) is back tonite. I am a bit worried that the “escape route” I thought it had might, in fact, just be a hidey hole and he’s actually been stuck in the ceiling all this time 🙁 I don’t mind sharing the place with bats at all, but I need to know that they have a way to get -outside- so they can eat and stuff…

I turned off the clicky thing while he was flying and swooping around cuz, well, apparently it’s not exactly effective anyways, seeing as the bat is already inside. Not sure what the thing does, if it sends out ultra sonic waves in addition tot he clicks or whatever- it’s supposed to deter animals (bats, squirrels, etc) from coming in the house. But I figured I might as well shut it off and not drive the little guy…batty…since he’s already in. As I recall, E told me it wasn’t harmful. But it must, in the least, be annoying.

Tho, looking at the pics on my camera, I think it might be a different bat. It has a light coloured stomach, and the other one was dark. Or, at least the one I caught and let out the first time was dark. And I think/thought the one flying around the second time- the one that crawled in to the space in the ceiling- was dark too. But I don’t know.

After the picnic thing tomorrow, I am going to a potluck/monthly meeting of the town Art Council to see about funding to have namoli back in town in September. Of course, it’s probably too late again, seeing as she plans on coming in only a little over a month.

I might take some of my pictures too, to see about selling them at a little art store on Main St. wee. Sometimes I look at them (the ones I printed) and think they’re awesome. And other times I look at them and think “uh, yeah. Except no one would want to actually *buy* them!!” Cuz, srsly, who wants to pay for pictures of spiders and bugs?

I should try to sleep again, I guess.