nursing 354: trends & issues.

I’ve lost my food stamp card. Which means no food for me. I’ve looked everywhere. In my car, in the trash, in all of my clothes. I guess when I go home tonite I will go more carefully thru the garbage and see if I can find it. *sigh* Cuz to get a new one, you have to go to the assistance office from 4-430. No later than 435. So I can’t get there until Thursday. FUCK. But I might go tomorrow between Clinical and post conference and see if I can do it then. Or between post conference and relaxation skills.

I got a dr’s appt. But not until Thursday. By which point I think I’ll feel better, and will therefore then feel like an ass. *doublesigh* I feel ok now. My throat feels a bit odd, like there’s a lump that I can’t swallow, but it doesn’t hurt too much to swallow. Occasional coughing fits. Non-productive, for the most part, and not horribly dry like yesterday. So. Whatever.

I STILL haven’t done laundry. Thankfully the weather is turning colder, so I can wear sweaters and such, since all of my other clothing is currently dirty. I just have no time. No money. UGH.

I have NO catfood left. None. Not an ounce. Pandora spent 20 minutes pawing at my head this morning, and when I got up to feed her, there was only enough to fill half of one of their bowls. Now, they’re not gonna starve, but still. And the prospect of going to WallyWorld after I get home from school today is just….not something I look forward to.

Most of my bills are overdue. My landlord hasn’t cashed my rent check yet, and when she does, there *might* be enough to cover all the utilities and such. But definately not enough for the car insurance.

I only have 4 days of work on the next schedule (which is a month long.) I am going to have to ask my sister for some $. Which. Whatever, ya know…It just. Bothers me. Because it confirms all their prophecies that I can’t survive on my own blah blah blah. And because I KNOW that all of my siblings AND my mother go to her for $ alot. (At one point, she was a pharmacist and her husband was a computer person. They made a very adequate living. However, since dipshit randomly quit his well-paying job to start his own business….a business that has been “just about ready to get off the ground” for about a year now…They’ve been having to live on H’s income and their savings. And in the last year or so they have 1. had a baby via c-section, so several days in the hospital 2. “bought” a house 3. gotten a new car 4. finished doctorate school (H) (so, yeah. She was going to school AND working 12 hour days. Maybe it’s genetic. eheh. :op ) 5. had another several-day hospital visit, this time for the baby 6. have had numerous appts with cardiologists and doctors, not to mention blood tests, EKGs, and other diagnostic testing 7. Started a new job (again, H.) So. I dunno how great their insurance is but even so, that’s a lot of medical bills. And stress. And such. And so I know that they must’ve pretty much depleted their savings acct by now. So I’m not sure how able she even IS to lend me money. Especially money that I don’t have any idea of when I’ll be able to pay it back.

I don’t have a clue when I’ll get to see AJ again. It’s already been way too long (eheh. Of course. Like, 2 days is just about too long. But still.)

Not to mention, when I *do* see AJ again, things will prolly be awkward again, because I’m such a fuckwit. And J has offered to do a sort of couple’s session thing but gawd knows when we’ll be able to arrange that to be compatible with all of our various schedules. And I imagine it’ll (the session) be really, really, really difficult for me. Moreso than they already ARE. Which is pretty fucking rough.

H called last nite and way led on to way and we got to talking about therapy and meds and patrick. Apparently “things” started when she was 16. But I’m not sure what all ever happened. And when we were talking about the possibility of things happening with me when I was little, she was like “huh. When you were little? Really? But that’s not…pause…but that’s not what he’s into [or ‘that’s not his thing’ or something like that. I can’t remember her exact phrasing. It was just indicative, to me, that…I dunno. I can’t really figure out what it indicates to me. Something.] Not that I don’t believe you [actually said in a voice that mirrored her words]. huh….” So we were talking about therapy and such and she was like, half joking “heh. I’d like to go with you to therapy sometime!!” And I told her that J would prolly be fine with that, that in fact she has said more than once that she’d love to have a session with my mum, H and I. She said she doesn’t like therapists, (we had been talking about how it was ironic that mum, who’s been in social work/social services/counseling positions for most of our lives is so anti-therapy) because they make her talk about things she’d rather not think about (I was like DUH! That’s basically their job!!) So she asked when I went and such. And I said I’d talk to J about it and H said she’d think about it.

Talking to H reminded me of my conversation with mum a bit ago about how she feels that I shouldn’t still be in therapy, how I shouldn’t still be on anti-depressants, how I’m not crazy. How she doesn’t trust my doctor because I’ve been on them for “so long” (funny how when I think about how long I’ve been on, it seems like forever, but when I think about it when mum says it, I want to say “a few years is a drop in the bucket!!!” And it comes to mind that I really don’t know the avg of how long ppl stay on such meds.) How she was like “You call your doctor and you tell her that your mother is a social worker and…” How she was worried, that someone needs to be keeping check on such things (which is how we got to talking about how I shouldn’t still be in therapy- cuz I was like “I think that my therapist keeps pretty close tabs on me…” and mum was like “therapist? huh.” and then we went in to talking about how I shouldn’t still be in therapy. At least, I think that’s how the conversation went. I could be wrong. *sigh*) And anyways. The whole conversation makes me just…agitated and confused and….

I tried to call AJ last nite, but she wasn’t available. And I tried to call J, but she must not’ve been either. And I *did* talk to M, but she thought I was mad– but I wasn’t. I was just frustrated about losing my stupid card, and my voice was quickly on it’s way to being non-existant by that point of the nite, so.

Instead of going to bed early, I ended up spending several hours gathering stuff for the Allies table, dragging it all to Jay’s, and then dragging it all to the library. So not only did I not get to bed early, but I *also* had to get dressed and go out (cuz I hadn’t bothered to get dressed yesterday til that point. eheh.)

I did not sleep well last nite. Nor have I been sleeping well for the past few nites, even tho I’m still taking the Lunesta. Then the cat woke me up and I had to keep shoving her off of the bed.

I was late getting around this morning, and then even later because I had to put gas in the car and run inside the uni-mart to see if I had left my card there, which I really, really, really thought I had done. But apparently not. And THEN of course I got behind a big old car from Oklahoma going 45mph the whole way, even tho the limit is 55 for most parts. And ever time there was a passing lane, there were cars coming the other way. So I was totally stressed about being late for class, because Joyce started teaching again today and she goes a mile-a-minute in her lectures. Unlike Deb, who just reads straight off of her powerpoints even tho we have them on paper in front of us, Joyce lectures from her notes, so there’s nothing to reference from if you miss. It turned out, when I got there, that today we were doing Teacher Evals for the first part of class, so I hadn’t actually missed much of anything. But I was still tense and anxious for most of the class.

Joyce informed us today that we have a quiz on the 28th, and then our last exam is on the last Thursday before finals. And then our Final is at 8am on MONDAY. So. We have an exam that covers material from the end of October til the beginning of December. And then 3 days later we have a CUMULATIVE FINAL????? WTF….And of course, I have a social psych exam somewhere in there. But I think that is actually during finals week. BUT it covers stuff from end of October til mid-december, which is a lot of stuff. So.

So. I am a little bit stressed. A lot stressed. A whole lot. I’m trying to just breathe and not be so worried about all of this crap. It’s not really working….I want to cry. Or cut. Or. Whatever.

I can’t keep going like this. I just can not.