Lucky or Angel from Montgomery Or whatever!

….I don’t mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain, oh, look for the girl with the broken smile. Ask if she wants to stay a while. And she will be loved, she will be loved…. -maroon 5-

I’m lucky.

I am.

My car may be a piece of shit (a very, very expensive green piece of shit) But my friends are angels.

And I’m not being flippant, either. I sat in the car shop and babbled and whined to Buss for at least 20 minutes. And then Homie was lovely enough to pick me up after she was done with work and took me to EnP and then took me back to pick up my car. And M just let me babble away at her for a while too, and invited me to dinner but unfortunately I just ate :/

Yeah. So. After I wrote that last entry I went in to a nice little downward spiral. Buss was online and she IM’d me and asked how my car was, and it just went down from there. I mentioned that I should call J and she encouraged me to do so. I said I might.

And I did after much searching for sharp things that I couldn’t find. I hid them well this time. Eheh. I think I did it when people started randomly dropping by. Couldn’t have them anywhere where someone might accidentally find them.

Anyways. So I was completely freaked out. But I talked to J for 10 minutes or so and she reminded me to not eat the elephant all in one bite. One step at a time.

….make me an angel that flies from Montgomery. Make me a poster of an old rodeo. Just give me one thing that I can hold on to…

*hums*

I’m wearing my aqua-stripey socks today. They make me smile.

Pandora is laying on the chair behind me, taking up about 2/3 of the seat. She’s warm against my hips. Solid. I like it.

I could breathe a little easier after I got off the phone with J, and then I talked to M and felt lots better.

Therapy today was good, with a few rough spots. We go on journeys, kinda, thru meditation. And safe places. And my safe place. Well, it has lots of boxes. I like boxes. Small ones, mostly. Anyways. So. This week as I was opening boxes. Well. One had sharp things in it.

This did not sit well with me.

When my subconscious comes up with that, without me even having been thinking of it…well. It scares me. Disappoints me. Frustrates me. Made me sad and angry. And I couldn’t really tell J. It was too…embarassing? I mean. Not in a stupid kind of a way. But. Like I did a bad thing or something. Something she could’ve gotten mad at. Not that she would’ve. Not that it really *was* something for her to be mad at. But that’s what my brain was thinking at the time.

And it just made me not want to be me, or let anyone near me. Like, I wasn’t good. It was official- my mind is just warped. *sigh*

I dunno how I feel about it all now. But. I don’t have the need to go find the razors. Heh. Unless I keep babbling about it. Then it will come back. But right now.

One step at a time.

First, pharm homework.

Next, care plan.

I already wrote my poetry prof and asked for an extension on stuff due this week.

It’ll be ok.

Hold On

This world, This world is cold
But you don’t, you dont have to go.
You’re feeling sad, you’re feeling lonely
And no one seems to care.
Your mother’s gone and your father hits you,
This pain you can not bare

But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know

Your days, you say they’re way too long,
And your nights, you can’t sleep at all
Hold on.
And you’re not sure what you’re waiting for
But you dont want to no more.
You’re not sure what you’re looking for
But you dont want to no more

But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know
Don’t stop looking you’re one step closer,
Don’t stop searching it’s not over
Hold on

What are you looking for?
What are you waiting for?
Do you know what you’re doing to me?
Go ahead…what are you waiting for?

Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know
Don’t stop looking you’re one step closer
Don’t stop searching its not over

Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know
Hold on
-Good Charlotte-