Lint roller

Do you ever feel the world is crashing down around you?
Or how about a time when you thought you had already crashed and burned, and were just rolling around in the rubble, only to find there was still yet more to be destroyed?

Last nite at work was hellish. 3 admissions right in a row, boomboomboom. I did feel good about the fact that at the beginning of the nite Mary was bitching about how horrible it was going to be, cuz there had been three the nite before too and it was horrible…but by morning, she was saying “wow. That wasn’t near as horrible. It wasn’t that bad at all” and then both her and Kathy looked pointedly at me. And I shrugged and smiled and was like hey, what can I say? I’m good at what I do… and played it off like it ain’t no thang. But really, I felt pretty damn good about their silent compliment. It’s not so much that I’m good. Just that the people they worked with last nite were…not good. I’m just normal. heh. *shrugs* Tho. Mary was in a crapass mood to start with, which always makes me Polly-fuckin’-anna. Not to mention I actually had to deal with patient’s and parents all nite long…so I had to be cheery and professional and etc. And I just…when I got to my car in the morning I deflated rightquick. lah.

But then I went over to M’s and she’s having a majorly rough time of it right now. I watched the kids for an hour or so while she went to teach a class. I did have a small bit of heaven for a while tho, cuz after I got the kids breakfast, I sat down on the couch and RB cuddled up next to me and kept making his exaggerated “content” sigh, which cracks me up. And then DB came in and sat right down next to me and curled up for a little while too. It’s been a while since I’d sat sandwiched between those two. It felt good, even tho I was stressing and I’m pretty sure they were a bit stressed too. DB gets so quiet and I just want to grab her up and sit her down and be like “TALK TO ME!! Tell me if you’re afraid or worried or whatever…” cuz…I guess I didn’t have that growing up really. Not that I remember. But apparently I don’t remember my childhood accurately in any way shape or form, so perhaps I did. *rolls eyes* Tho at least she -does- talk with M about things, I’m pretty sure she knows she can talk to M about anything. I forget, sometimes, that she(DB) is not me. lah. Thank goodness for small miracles, eh?

And. This morning, RB tied his own shoe, which he’s been able to do for a few months now apparently. It just makes me sad….missing Milestones like that. Not that they’re my kids or even my siblings, perse. I’m just the Summer Sister. But my heart’s still attached to them in the fiercest of ways. RB will be six soon. I was there when he was born. Well. Not…not THERE, there. We’re not *that* close, *grin* But. I was one of the first to visit them when he was born (lol, me and 20 other theatre kids. But I got there first! hehe.) and I was his first official babysitting, even if it was just for 40 minutes while M ran to the post office. Oh but how clearly I remember walking in a circle around the house while he just slept in my arms and never made a peep. With that mushed little nose and that red streak on his forehead. Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’ll never love a boy again the way that I love him. 🙂

And DB. Geesum that kid amazes me a little more every time I see her. Just her personality and…everything. And yet at the same time, she intimidates me. As do most kids her age. I’m always afraid she’ll just think I’m dumb or that she really can’t stand me. And it always makes me choke up just a bit when I see her somewhere and she runs full speed and jumps into my arms. (haha. Which doesn’t work as much anymore, since she’s growing about 10 centimeters a DAY! Pretty soon if she continues to literally jump into my arms as she does now, she’ll leap right over me!) lah.

M got me Patty Griffin tix for my birthday. *claps* The plan was to go with AJ and have some special Us time but…doesn’t look like that’s gonna happen. Wondering who I know who would like Patty Griffin. hehe. I know J does, but I’m betting she won’t go to a concert with me, lol. Tho it’d prolly be really frikkin funny and awesome, after the interminable period of awkwardness, lol. Maybe Jay, he’s always up for road trips. Or Em, cuz she’s always up for roadtrips *and* appreciates amazing music. Well, so does Jay. But I’m not sure PG would be up his alley. I can think of about 90million online friends I’d take! lah. It’s not til April tho, so I’ll find someone.

I’m so tired. But my brain is just running a million miles a minute. All my bills are coming due and I definately am in no way able to pay them. I might be able to move money around and do it that way, and have a huge ass payment on my loan next month. But I don’t even know if I have enough there to do that. Ugh. I’ll have to deal with it. But not right now. I’m too tired and too edgy.

Went to Wally World with M and the kids after she was done with her class. Got some sleepy pills cuz this whole sleeping for 2 hours at a time thing? Yeah. Not working out so well for the psyche.

My jaw hurts so fucking bad. I keep having to remind myself to stop clenching my teeth. It’s odd…I never used to clench my teeth. Shoulders around my ears, sure that’s a natural position for them it seems. But the teeth clenching thing…started when I started the Cymbalta. Cuz it made me hella-nauseous and I think I was clenching my teeth cuz of that. But it doesn’t make me nauseous anymore. I think I’m just clenching cuz I’m stressed or something. I dunno. It’s annoying tho.

Ugh. Hafta work again tonite.

!!! Gracie talked to me about a supersecret thing. They’re attempting to turn the RTF wing into either a geripsych unit or an MR unit. That’s not the supersecret part. The SS part is that if they do that, it’ll somehow expand the kids unit or something…somehow make it so Gracie could conceivably have 70 patients to deal with at once. Not possible. Would require 2 FT people. She asked Julianna if she’d be interested, and Julianna said she wanted to see what was going down with the RTF first, to see about them needing a case manager and stuff. Sooo…Gracie asked me if I was interested. And I thought about it….I think I would be. Yeah, I was exhausted after 2 weeks of being her, but it’d be different with 2 FT ppl. Cuz it’d be one to a unit, like dedicated to their unit. Which would be a LOT less running around. And only one Treatment Team meeting to go to per day. And I found that I enjoyed -knowing- the patients, knowing why they were there and what they were doing to progress and such. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Gracie said they should know by next week sometime, about the RTF and what’s gonna happen there. So.

I’m going to try to sleep. And if by 3pm, I’m still awake and tossing and turning, I’m taking a sleepy pill. Wee. *sigh*