Kid Fears

So, La responded to my offer for coffee with definitely and also said to text her later, which I did. That ended up being a few texts and a 40min phone call, lol. So good to hear her voice. Not sure why I was so worried about our relationship except that I worry about every relationship I’m in and whether or not people just keep me around out of pity rather than actually *liking* me. Inferiority. wah wah wahhhhhhh. hehe.

Managed to peel myself out of bed this morning and go to a meeting. It was Step One, which was nice…I needed some step one in my life right now. Need to exhale and let go of the need to control every little thing, to accept that life is unmanageable no matter how hard I try to micromanage, and that the micromanaging just makes it worse. I haven’t cut in a while, but I struggle with it almost every day…

After the meeting, I texted La to see if she still wanted to get coffee but she didn’t respond so I actually called her- she just hadn’t heard the text. So I went over and we did our usual running of errands that she always has, which is mostly going to Ross, Target and 5 below. We also stopped at Dunkin Donuts and had coffee and talked for a while. Well, she mostly talked while I listened. I do so love listening. When we got back to her place her ex-husband-boyfriend-friend-with-benefits-guy was there, so I left 🙂

A friend was writing about touch in her OD and that is also something I struggle with every day. The need for it. The wanting to go against what I know is right in order to satiate the bitter loneliness and aching. And it’s interesting because La and I were talking about touch today– she hates to be touched, she is not a touchy feely huggy person. But some of the people she works with now are, and she’s having to almost re-out herself as a non-touchy feely person. I always want to ask her *why* she doesn’t like to be touched, but I never quite get the courage to, lol. So I wonder what makes some people touchy feely and others totally not.

I should’ve gone running today. And yesterday. But I didn’t. Laaaazy. And it’s so cold out, I just have no motivation to get all bundled up to go to the gym, get unbundled, run, rebundle and come home. There’s very little chance I’ll go tomorrow, since it’s my long shift day and my early day on Monday. But I’ll go Monday after work and hopefully Tuesday before therapy. I did go grocery shopping on my way home today, so at least I was mildly productive today. Go me. *rolls eyes* Ah well. I *feel* good at least. A morning with La tends to produce that effect 🙂