I’m not…. **edit** **edit 2**

…doing so good.

I think I jinxed myself…saying too many times out loud that I was doing ok the past few weeks.

Yesterday it all came crashing down somehow. Today I barely made it thru the school day, had to repeat to myself that I could not get up and leave before 8th period.

Then therapy today….gawd I tried. Tried to explain. But. It just wasn’t there. The words, just weren’t. And I was pushing her away. Maybe cuz I’m angry at myself for falling so hard. And then the tears slipped out. Didn’t know I had any left after all the leaking done last nite. Apparently I did, tho.

And I curled up on the couch under her pepto-bismol blanket and she thankfully stayed on the couch and read. I just tried to lay and breathe and soak up the safety while it was available. I maybe dozed off a little, tho kept startling awake.

When it came time to leave….wow. My head was NOT in a good place. It took all I had to stand up, be an adult, and walk out the door. Fighting the urge to grab the nearest piece of furniture, hang on for dear life, and refuse to leave.

It was drizzling on my way home. But I could still differentiate between the hot tears and the cool mist drops of rain water.

All I want to do is cut. Very deep. Very long.

—————– EDIT ————————-
A number:
$56,732.51

*****edit #2*******
Oops. Forgot another loan and the car loan….make that number
$73520.27
*****end edit #2*****

And that’s WITHOUT the regular monthly bills. That’s just my owed debt, as of today.

Things I can’t afford to do:
– go to the dentist
– take the cats to the vet
– buy groceries

So. Here’s the deal….as of March 1, my phone (landline) will be disconnected. Saving me approx. $20/month.
Along with the phone goes the internet, saving me $50/every 3 months which is about $17/month.
No more NetFlix, saving me approx $10/month.
I have 3 more sessions of yoga left, and then that’s gone, saving $25/month.

So that’s about $75/month. Nothing else to cut back on. I have no magazine subscriptions. I don’t have cable or even local stations for that matter. I’m on the lowest cell phone plan available. Tho maybe I should cancel that and see about a trac-fone? The kind you pay per minute for? Except that would be canceling my contract early, which would cost me money, I’m sure. I don’t buy clothes, I don’t buy cd’s. The last movie I bought was a month ago and cost $5.00.

I don’t know that I can drive less, as I only drive to work and back, and on Thursdays I drive out to my Little’s house to pick her up and drop her back off. I tend to walk almost every where else.

Theoretically I could get rid of all of the animals and then I wouldn’t have to buy litter, cat food, or crickets. But I’m pretty sure that that would put me over the edge. And besides, Kleio is almost at the age where I can cut crickets out of her diet anyways, and only feet her bugs every other week instead of every week. Otherwise she can just eat greens and fruit.

I don’t pay for therapy, but I’m about ready to stop that too, as I think J’s at the end of her rope with me anyways, and I am a waste of her time.

I can still be online, sometimes from work and sometimes from home when I can mooch off random people who don’t secure their wireless, so long as my laptop holds out.

Don’t know what else to do. Pick up another job, I guess. Go back to the work-constantly-at-the-expense-of-my-sanity mode. Cuz shit, it’s not like my sanity is doing so great as it is anyways. Thankfully for now I still have medical assistance, so my prescriptions only cost me $1//month. Tho I’ll do without the multivitamin I guess.

forcing circles in to squares
something’s gotta give somewhere…
-m. etheridge