idfca

Worked a half a shift last nite. More than, actually. Didn’t end up getting home til 4am. Admitted a girl who I saw myself in, in a myriad of ways. Hated to leave her there, and not be there when she woke. We connected. Or, maybe we didn’t. But it was obvious she trusted me more than she trusted any other staff she had come in contact with thus far. I made sure to leave my sleeves rolled up. Maybe she saw the scars. Maybe she knew what they were. Maybe not.

I was envious of her arm, the soft inner flesh covered from wrist to elbow in 1 to 2 inch lacerations. Straight, as if made by a straight edge razor blade. Fresh. They had been washed, but still the little crusts of blood that seeped up and dried clung to her.

I could feel the sting. Could almost taste the release.

Came home and tried to sleep, but only managed 45 minutes or so, and then got up and went to work. My head pounding all the while, because I ran out of meds two days ago. I called this morning, tho, and ordered refills before I left for work.

Drove home from work, searching the car and my bag to scrounge up a dollar– the usual co-pay for my meds.

Did you change insurances? the lady says as I walk up to the counter. fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck.

So I no longer have insurance. And I sure as fuck don’t have $180 to spend on meds. I sat in my car for a few minutes, contemplating. I called Dr. BH, to see if she had any samples. Had to talk to about 20 people (ok, 2) and be put on hold 4 times for 15 minutes before Dr got on. I just…didn’t want to explain to the entire staff what was wrong. They were like “we can relay a message” Ok, can you have her call me? “regarding what?” my meds. “what about your meds?” uhm…I’m having problems with them… “what kind of problems?” look, i just need to talk to the dr. she said if i was having problems to call her. please, can i just talk to her or have her call me back whenever she can??

At this point I was on the verge of frantic and past the verge of tears. And every minute of the following nine that I waited I wanted to hang up and run away. But I didn’t. And when she got on the phone I apologized about being a pain to the nurses and people and just told her I couldn’t handle the headache any more and asked if she had any samples and etc and just blurted it all out in one breath before thinking about it, so as to not chicken out and lie.

She said she did. Asked what was going on. What can I even say? “life. bills. everything.” Any relief in sight, she asks. “no. maybe. i don’t even know.” the synthroid is pretty cheap, can’t I even afford that? “15 dollars. i can’t even afford food right now.” are you eating? “……” Echo? “uhm. sometimes.” are you still seeing J? “not really. “how come?” cuz i sort of quit therapy about 3 weeks ago. “why?” cuz I felt like i was wasting her time. “and what did she say about that?” she said she’d be there when i was ready to come back. “i’d really feel better if you were still seeing her.” yeah, i know. “well, you can still come in and see me. free of charge, we’ll work something out or make something up or whatever.” ok. thanks. “so call if you need me. i’ll leave some samples at the desk for you to pick up” thanks. heh. it’s hard enough getting you on the da….ng phone. “yeah, i know. but we’ll make it happen.” ok. thanks.

And then i sat in my car for another few minutes. my mind was so full it was empty. like when you’re in a room full of screaming people and it’s so loud you can’t actually *hear* anything being said…just a wall of noise.

and then i tried to call j cuz i was not thinking happy thoughts and i would’ve been almost satisfied with even just her voice mail but that apparently doesn’t exist any more so i had to listen to a dumb automated cheerful robot voice tell me that the party i was trying to reach was unavailable. so i hung up.

And now i have to go pick up the samples and face all the nurses and receptionists i talked to.

and then i have to go pretend that i’m perfectly fine and normal and sane and sit thru 40 minutes of a supervision meeting with a woman who makes me want to chew on glass rather than listen to her loud, annoying, interrupting voice. thank fuck she’s balanced with dr s who has a nice southern drawl and doesn’t pretend he knows everything about everything ever.