I know I’m crazy

But I LOVE snow. 🙂
Ugh. It’s Valentine’s Day.

Ok. YES I have a girlfriend, and YES I love her. But, I still am bitter towards valentine’s day. Maybe cuz it’s a catholic holiday. Maybe cuz I feel insulted that only ONE day a year is set aside to highlight the love between people. Maybe it’s cuz it’s so fucking hetero-centric. Maybe it’s the fact that I am poor and can’t even send my gf flowers. Maybe it’s just the years and years of bitterness 🙂

Whatever. Lah.

Therapy was good today. I noticed that J had her hair different. (Which means I actually looked at her!!). And she mentioned near the end of session that I had actually talked much of the time. That’s good. Some of it was just ramble. But some was seriousstuff.

Talked a lot about me needing a plan. Even if the plan goes totally awry, the organizational bit of my brain yearns for some structure. I need to know I’m working *towards* something, or else it’s just overwhelming. And we talked about trying to formulate a plan for one’s self while taking in to account other people’s plans (like AJ’s and stuff) and how it can be difficult when neither person has much of a concrete idea of where they’re headed.

Talked about my love of where I live. That I don’t feel like I’m staying here out of stagnation, but rather because I like it here. And I don’t plan on living here forever, but that for now, it suits me. It’s Home. And it’s the first time I’ve felt Home since….gawd, since I was a child. I was looking thru the profiles of the people I went to HS with on MySpace. 99% of them still live in the town we grew up in. Sure, a handful are sprinkled over the rest of the States. But for the most part, most everyone stayed. And I mentioned that to J and she made a good point, or statement or whatever, that Home is a compelling thing, a compelling idea. And it’s true. I mean, I think about when I travel now…and when I think about going Home. I have a concrete idea of where that is. Which is something I honestly haven’t had since I was 16 or so. I feel like I have roots again. Very small, somewhat fragile. But still.

Which doesn’t mean I wouldn’t move. I would. I will. But what I’ve found, having some sort of solid ground under me or at least having a taste of solid ground…is that I need it.

Like…when M and E were having so many issues and wavering always between staying together or not….It wasn’t the idea of them splitting up I think that made it so stressful for me, even tho that was part of it. More was just the not knowing. The same with nsg school. Failing wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was “oh shit, now what??” You could say that I don’t live in the moment, that I tend to grasp at the future instead. I do, in part. I dunno. Plans change, they fall thru. But they can’t do anything if they’re not made, right?

Went back to M’s after therapy, cuz that’s where I had come from, and hung out for the rest of the nite. Had a really nice conversation with her. I forget sometimes that I can talk too. Sometimes my shit just seems so inconsequential to everything going on, and I feel so inadequate at -talking- about it. I’m so much better at writing about it.

I’m rambling. Was just talking to Em on IM. Got all sentimental. Talking about her grandpa’s death when she was 7. Thinking about Jen’s mom’s death a year ago this time of year. Talking about how some memories are beautiful but they still hurt. Also talking to Crys about when we first met, how we clicked right away and were throwing sarcastic remarks at each other after 5 minutes and having a wonderful time.

There’s so much that I miss that I will never, ever have back. And sometimes that’s really too much to handle for me. But sometimes I can handle it. Sometimes I can accept it. Just like I can accept that the cat has really stinky breath and is laying with her head on my shoulder breathing almost directly in to my nose. But she is warm and solid against me, and her purring tells me she is comfortable. And so I’ll accept the stinky breath and enjoy her warmth on this frigid winter nite as I listen to the ice pelt the roof.