Hurdling the Long Jumps, One Tofu At A Time.

I should be sleeping, as I have to be to work in 10 hours, and I didn’t sleep well last nite or many of the nights over the past week. I should probably start taking the zyprexa again. But I was hoping that the lack of schoolstress would help my brain ease-up on the over-active thought process it feels necessary to undertake as soon as my head hits the pillow. Apparently this is not the case. *sigh*

Meds, meds, meds. I’ve not taken mine in….uhm…4 or 5 days? Oops. A few days I forgot because I’m used to having them on the desk when I wake up, but being at my sister’s house, I had them in my purse because she has a child. Who, of course, can’t walk or even crawl. But it’s still against my principles to leave meds laying about, even tho my sister does all the time. Fun. Anyways. So. I forgot to take them a few times. Then, I decided to set them out so that I’d remember them. And of course what happened was that I left the damn things in NC when we left, so I didn’t even have them with me. So I thought. But, apparently I did have them with me- I had just thrown them in my bag instead of in my purse, and they were tangled up in clothes so I didn’t feel them or hear them when I shook the bag to look for them. *sigh* Anyways. I just took a wellbutrin. Not the synthroid tho, cuz I’ll take that in the morning I guess.

Somehow while I was gone, my closet door got closed, all of the way. Which I never do, since the doorknob doesn’t work and then I can’t get it open. So I just keep stuff propped in front of the door so the cats don’t get in there and subsequently get in the crawl space where the heating vents and such are. Anyways. So. I didn’t discover this til last nite when I tried to go into the closet to get a pair of PJ bottoms. lah.

So I spent an hour or two being very frustrated, trying to get the knob to turn and making my rings cut into my fingers in the process. Oops. I ended up taking off the bathroom doorknobs to figure out if there was a way to get the closet knob to work, since they’re the same kind. The bathroom knob works, although the door doesn’t close, because the part where the thing latches in isn’t far enough back for it to actually catch. These things don’t tend to matter when one lives alone, since I rarely even close the bathroom door even a little bit, let alone try to shut it all the way, except in winter when it’s cold and I turn the heat on before I shower or bathe, and then I close it and shove a box against it so the cats don’t knock it open.

Anyways. Long story short (ha), I ended up taking the metal bracket off of the bathroom doorframe and using a hammer and screwdriver to chisel some of the wood away, thus making it so now I can completely shut and keep shut the bathroom door, if I so choose. I don’t, really, but I figure any visitors who use my bathroom might appreciate it, since I suppose all people aren’t exactly fond of cats randomly sitting and staring at them while they pee.

I also managed to get the closet doorknob off and found that if I switched the knobs (put the inside one on the outside and vice versa) I could get that door, also, to latch. So. Now both of my doors actually close. Which means I don’t have to have boxes and books piled up in front of the closet to keep the cats out. That’s kind of nice.

While I was being frustrated last nite, J called so we could figure out some time to have a therapy session, since last week we had scheduled it for today at 245, but then J found that the office wasn’t available at that time (she shares it with someone cuz she’s only a sort of part-time therapist (although I don’t envision how such a job can only be part-time, but whatever…she’s better at the boundaries thing than I am, so she manages somehow…) and cuz she told me once too, that she does it cuz sometimes it’s easier for starting-out therapists to share space instead of having to find and finance their own places and stuff. :o) So. She shares her office space even tho she/we tease that she doesn’t do the Sharing Thing as well as she’d like sometimes. heheh. I can always see her eyes roll when we happen to walk into the office together and the furniture has been moved, etc. It amuses me. Mostly cuz it reminds me that even she can get annoyed by little things. Even if it’s just superficial mostly-in-jest annoyance.) Uh. Anyways. Tangent…

So. She called last nite and we agreed on 1030 today, although about 8 minutes after I finished hacking away at the door and putting all the knobs back on, I picked up my phone and realized that J had called at some point, and that we had also at some point agreed upon a time to meet today. But I had no idea if it was for 10 or for 1030. Oops.

Well. Seeing as I got up around 945, I was hoping it was 1030, so I got a shower and such and figured that if it was 10, she’d call after a while anyways. But, apparently I was right and it was 1030. So.

I babbled for most of the time about helping H move, and the various annoyances and frustrations of the week. And I talked a little about how eager and anxious I was, after a while, to get back home yet once I got here I realized that I didn’t really even want to be here. And how I just…I dunno. I just can’t find anywhere to be. Even tho I love my apartment and I like this town. It’s just. Without school and with me not working much I’m just at a loss. Without people and duties defining me, I have no idea who Me is, apparently. I dunno.

I do work tomorrow and Friday, filling in for Grace, who’s been off all week, so I’m praying that census is low or it’s just all gonna be really ugly. I barely remember how to do the job in the first place, since I do it so infrequently. I mean, I know the basics and stuff, but Grace is so picky and OCD about everything being Just Right. But. So what if I fuck up. All they can do is fire me, and it’s not like I even work there enough to consider it gainful employment in the first place. Blah.

I start working for Dr F next week. And I need to drop off my resume at a few places, but that requires me having resumes to drop off and currently M still has my resume paper. I stopped over today to get my laundry soap and such, and looked around for the paper, but couldn’t find it. Hopefully she knows where it is and I can pick it up tomorrow.

So. Therapy was…I dunno. It wasn’t great, but it was…familiar. And I liked that. Even tho it scares me. I worry about staying for the familiarity, which seems like the wrong reason to be in therapy. Even tho it’s not the only reason. Feelings of comfort make me wary. And mostly, I find a lot of comfort in J’s office, in J, in the knowledge that I have that hour(+) every week. I dunno. Somehow, it feels like a luxury, and I don’t do well with indulging in luxuries. How can the constanty (consistency? constantness??) constant-nature of it be both comforting and fearful?

I hate transition times. Like right now. Trying to transition between school and summer, between H’s and Home…it mixes me all up. I say so often how badly I lack proper boundaries, yet…it is my boundaries- my borders- that define me…I’m kind of like tofu. I just soak up whatever is around me and take on its flavour or properties, in a way. Without things surrounding me, I just kind of exist in a state of undefinable existance. It’s kind of bothersomeand confusing. I dunno.

I did my laundry today. Only had 3 loads worth, which is a lot less than I thought I had. Tho, I didn’t take the sheets or uniforms, and it was probably more like 4 loads worth but I mushed it into 3. And better yet, it only cost me $6.50, hooray. H gave me $20 to stop for dinner on my way home from her place yesterday, but instead I used it to buy crickets for Alix and was saving the rest to do my laundry with. Crickets only cost like, $3.17 and laundry was only 6.50, so I treated myself to a brownie batter sundae thing at DQ AND washed my car, because it hadn’t been washed since….well, since I bought it, over a year ago. eheh. And I was tired of getting filthy dirty every time I leaned against it. Plus, I have bumper stickers that I want to put on it and figured I shouldn’t put them on over the layers of dirt or they wouldn’t stick. So. I washed the car with the leftover money. And I still even have a few bucks left. Hooray for me. *sigh*

I’m afraid to check my checking account, cuz I think my car payment is due, as well as a schlew of other bills. It never ends. Ugh. But, I do have $100 from M that I need to deposit, and a whopping $30 (29.64, to be exact) from my work study job too, tho I think Diana the secretary lady probably has a paycheck for me at the office, but it’s also prolly less than the one I have. UGH. I just need to fucking get my feet under me as far as finances go. Living like this just makes everything worse. I’ve been weighing the option of getting rid of the internet, which would mean I could also get rid of my landline (phone), which would save me probably $35 a month all together, since internet is only about 16 a month and the phone bill is about 18, give or take a few bucks. But. Sad as it is, part much of my sanity rests on having internet access. Between venting on here, near-daily emails to/from J, and being able to check up on what 99% of my friends are doing thru LJ and such….I’m addicted, I admit it. Not to mention the fact that 100% of my banking is done online. The only bill I don’t pay online is the $11 monthly for health insurance. So. Yeah. I’d be kind of lost without internet. Tho I suppose with my laptop I could go to MC daily and leech off of the wireless connection I can get in there. Ugh. Will have to ponder more on that issue.

Otherwise, I’m not sure how to cut back on expenses. I do have moments of complete impulsivity where I spend WAY too much money on things (like say, for instance, a LAPTOP. *sigh*) but on the whole, I’m rather conscientious as far as spending goes.

I just hate when I have to weigh the things that make me happy against my bank ledger to determine if they are really necessary. Like, Alix for instance. Crickets are (for some ungodly reason) not the cheapest little buggers in the world. I would think that 2 dozen bugs shouldn’t cost 3 dollars. But they do. So that’s 6-12 dollars/month to feed her. That adds up, ya know? But. She’s a very kewl little pet. I admit that I spend more time than I should just sitting and watching her crawl around and stick to the wall of her tank. Simple pleasures, ya know? Same with the cats. Cat food is far more expensive than frog food. (heh. Tho, not by much…I probably average about 16-20 if even that much in cat food a month. But, cat food plus cat litter adds up to way more than crickets.) But. If it came to it, I’d buy food for them before buying food for me! It doesn’t come to that, cuz of the food stamps, but still.

People always ask, ya know, “would you be happier if you were rich??” And. I’d like to say NO. It doesn’t take wealth to make me happy. But, damn. Barely having enough to survive just drains me, ya know? I always dreamed thought I could be happy even if I was the poorest person on earth. But apparently not. Not saying having more money would make me instantly a cheerful person. But, as much as I hate to admit it, it would alleviate at least some of the anxiety and stress in my life. Granted, not having to worry about how to make ends meet would just give way to worrying about something else. But. Still. I just. I wonder what I’m doing wrong, what it is that keeps me from being content with what I have. And…it’s difficult to explain. I -am- mostly content with what I have. It’s just the fact that just keeping hold of the things I have is such a difficult balancing act that it leaves less time to just enjoy it.

Homie just called. That made me smile. She sounded better than she has in a while. We’re going to do coffee or something on Saturday, hopefully. She wanted to go tomorrow, but I work from 6am-2pm, and she works in the afternoon until evening sometime. And same with Friday. She did mention that she doesn’t exactly love her job anymore. *sigh* Which, makes me sad on one hand but also…I dunno. I’m sometimes the type of person who goes in to a job loving it, but then after a few months just hates it. And I guess I’m glad to see that I’m not the only person like that. And, the good thing is that she isn’t stuck there, since she’s going to grad school in the fall, THANK GAWD. I was terrified that she’d follow her asshole boyfriend person to -his- grad school and give up her dreams and opportunities. Thankfully she made the ‘right’ decision (in my eyes/opinion) and decided to persue her opportunities first. That makes me tres happy.

Ugh. Ok. I have to be to work in like, 10.5 hours, which means I have to be up in 9 hours, which means if I don’t go to bed now, I’ll NEVER get enough sleep to make it thru the stressful day tomorrow. Which hopefully -won’t- be as stressful as I fear it’s going to be. Hopefully Julianna will be there, too, and I won’t have to sit in on Tx Team, because #1, I’m useless there since I have no idea WHO the patients are or WHAT their deals are and #2, It’s always SUCH a struggle for me to keep my mouth shut around Dr B because I think he’s a pompous, self-righteous, wholly unethical dickhead. With very, very bad breath.

I wonder if there’s a new CEO yet, since Squiggles went on his merry way to some other facility. Rumour has it that the new one is worse than the old one. But rumours run rampant at that place and can’t always be trusted. le’sigh. NEED NEW JOB.

Bed.