hospital itty. ***edit***

Long time no write, I guess. Life’s been….life.

Therapy today. And an interview. In the same building. hah. *rolls eyes*

Started crying at the end of therapy cuz J wants to talk about what I want, what my goals are for our time together and I’m gonna have to tell her that I can’t bear to waste her time any more.

She asked me today if I needed to be back in the hospital. I pleaded the fifth. Which she, correctly, took as Yes. But my reasons are wrong. I just want a break.

But it wouldn’t solve anything. I’d go in and worry about all the shit not getting done and about all the work I was missing and all the bills that needed paying. Not to mention my lack of insurance.

The world doesn’t stop, even if I want it to. I just can’t catch up.

After RB’s party on Friday/Saturday, I pretty much stayed in an apathetic little ativan haze.

I find it ironic that I’m interviewing for another job when all I want is to come home from my CURRENT job and curl up in bed and sleep.

I was s’posed to go to my sisters this weekend, but the weather was crappy. So I told her I’d go next weekend. And then the next night, Donna called and informed me I was scheduled to work. So what do I say…NO? After not working there in literally 6 months, I can’t really say No. UGH.

My throat is sore again. It was yesterday too, but seemed better today. But now it’s sore again and my head hurts. And all day my ears have been…it feels like my ears are stuffed with cotton cuz sound is muffled. Hopefully it’ll go away.

I need to refill my prescriptions, but I’m afraid to, cuz I dunno if the insurance will still go thru. Not to mention the fact that I don’t even have the dollar co-pay. Unless I break the penny-jar open and use that.

——————–edit—————–

So, J just called. I had called her earlier before therapy to let her know I’d be late cuz I was having issues with my clothes. I guess she thought it was from later or something.

She guessed correctly that I’d been crying. Sigh. Told me she wanted me to work on Gentleness this week. I told her we have different definitions of Gentle. She said she knew that. Wants me to do yoga three times a week. Just child pose or whatever I want. Then she had to go. Which is good cuz by then I was crying again cuz the level of patience in her voice just….I don’t understand how she does it. She must be so completely and totally sick of me by now. But still, she shows such compassion.

Which, still. Sometimes I just want so much to be better, to do better, just to thank her for being so amazing. But even with that motivation, I still fail.

gawd i need a hug.