HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Yeah. So. I just went to pay my car payment for the month, which is due tomorrow (but I do it online, so it’s instant) and. Oh, I just can’t stop laughing about this.

Ya know, I don’t like talking about money. I like talking about money even LESS than I like talking about sex. But this is just too great not to share…

After paying my car payment, and my loan payment (took out a personal loan thing the summer before I started nsg skewl, to pay for the summer chem class I had to take…), I realized that I have….get ready for this, cuz it’s fucking hilarious….

a whopping 79 dollars and 86 cents!!!!!

hahahahaha. Isn’t that a gas??!! Someone hand me a mask. Really. Before I pass out from the hilarity of it all.

My bank acct hasn’t been so empty since….since NEVER!

(And, all my checks aren’t even cleared yet! Oh, the excitement of it all, the suspense, the intrigue….)

Oh, I just love that I’m 26 and my life is still full of “Firsts”! Hooray for new experiences!!

It’s ok tho. I believe tomorrow is payday for the psych center (direct deposit, whee!). So, ya know. With my whole…30 hours for the 2 weeks of that pay period I’ll be raking in almost two hundred dollars! Go me!!

And you know what makes me even happier about this situation? When I worked with Grace the other day, I was talking to one of the newer admits’ parents. And you know what she asked me? She said to me This is her nth attempt to kill herself -sigh- -pause- that means she’s eligible for disability now, doesn’t it…?

And no, it wasn’t said in a “my gawd she’s fucked up her life and now she’s been labled unfit for a workplace…” tone. It was said in a hopeful “i can finally stop paying for her and just let the government take over” tone. Except it’s questionable whether or not she really even DID overdose. Cuz, ya know, she od’d five days before she was admitted, and never went to the hospital til the fifth day. And her labs were clean. other than the (+) for cannibus and the slight (+) for opiods… “Oh, well. She WAS a little lethargic. But, ya know. We just thought it was because she doesn’t sleep much….” Ok. WTF ever. Fuck you, you irresponsible piece of shit who leaves bottles and bottles of medication laying out in plain view when you have a child who has tried more than EIGHT times (at least) to kill herself by eating them. “Well, we’re trying to teach her some responsibility…” GREAT. How about starting out with something oh, I dunno, a little less LETHAL??? That’s like saying “Yes, we want Johnny to know how to shoot a gun by the time he’s 10. So yeah, maybe 4 IS a little young to let him walk around with a loaded gun. But. Ya know. That’s just so he gets the hang of it…” You just don’t DO that. For fuck’s sake. Buy the girl a kitten, a hamster, a fish. Don’t put the tools she needs for self destruction in to her hands and then expect her not to falter when times get tough. She’s SIXTEEN for christ’s sake. Not ONLY is she living in a fucked up environment, but she’s ALSO in the throes of puberty! Don’t. Don’t let her play with her own life right now. (Yeah, I’m being hypocritical. Yeah, I keep razors in the house just to see if I’m strong enough to resist the temptation of using them. Which I’m not. But fuckin’A. It’s MY life. I am 26 and already responsible for my own actions. I make the choice to put my mortality on the line. No one buys the razors for me and then leaves them on the counter, in hopes that I won’t slice up my fucking arms. Who would DO that??)

It’s fucking ridiculous that I have been working (usually at 2 jobs or more) since I was FOURTEEN (ok, so that first job wasn’t exactly legal for a few months…) (Unless we count babysitting, which means since I was twelve.)….and working myself into an early grave, at that, and there are people out there who just… I don’t know. Who think it’s all a joke? Who just don’t WANT to work and so they don’t, they just leech off of the government or worse yet, prostitute their children to the government, so that THEY can benefit from it….

I don’t frigging CARE if the woman only has a 10th grade education. I don’t CARE that she’s mentally unstable herself. I don’t CARE that her husband can’t even read. I DO care that she has 4 children. And one of them is already ON disability. If the government is going to pay for them anyways, why don’t they at least relocate them in to a more stable, healthier environment?

My stomach burns and my throat tightens up at the thought of talking to AJ later today and telling her that there’s no way I can come visit her this weekend because regardless of all the shit I need to get done before school starts, I ALSO can’t afford the $50 in gas. And my heart tells me I should say “Fuck it!” as far as the money issue goes, and just get in my car and go up there. But my brain says “No way in hell, honey…not if you want to pay rent next month…”

It’s prolly a good thing that I’m in such a pessimistic state right now. Cuz all I can think is there’s nothing sharp enough, nothing hard enough, nothing strong enough to make all this shit go away. So why bother. Yeah, I have a pack full of sharps in the drawer. But who cares. I’m so numb I wouldn’t even feel it, so what’s the point…

But. Enough with all the morose shit. Let’s all go out to dinner.
My treat!!!!