evermore, evermore….

It just poured down rain. It was loud and angry and I liked it. I’m contemplating taking a lunesta now, even tho it’s only 6pm (I’ve been up since 4am!) but then I’ll prolly sleep a few hours and then be up all nite. But running around as Grace all day is very tiring. Not that I don’t run between units when I float at nite. But. For Grace’s job I have to go from her office (which is at the end of the hall away from the units) to one unit to another unit to out front (administration wing), back to her office, back to the units….all day! Eef. It makes me tired. Not to mention trying to be calm and polite and cheerful to everyone. Thankfully Jan was working one unit, and it always makes me smile a little to see her, even on the thirtieth time for the day. And there were no completely detested staff on the adult unit, so that was ok. Tho I hate walking around in the AE wing and not knowing who any of the people are. I mean, I know I’ve probably seen their signatures or memos or whatnots a thousand times, but I’ve never met them! It’s just odd.

The woman from the other nite cornered me and apologized. She said that “they said you felt really bad about it…” which. Eh. Whatever. I just didn’t want to talk to her.

It was just a flurry of activity all day. Discharges and treatment team and admissions. Oi vey. But, I was only a half an hour late getting out, and I got everything that was due done. So hopefully Julianna will not be too backed up tomorrow. I really wanted to get at least one or two of the updates that are due tomorrow done for her, but I just didn’t get to it. *sigh*

After work I zoomed in to the pet store to get crickets, but they were all out, so I got a mouse instead. A black one this time instead of white. 🙁 I think I’ll request white ones from now on. I dunno why. The black one was just all shiny and cute. And not to mention I don’t think Rocky can see the black ones as well, cuz I dropped it into the cage and was standing next to the cage and he went for my hand and bonked his nose. And I could tell he knew there was something in there, he just couldn’t find it as well. But he did find it eventually. (Eventually being like, 45 seconds later…) The white ones he sees immediatly tho. More contrast.

Then I started walking to my therapy appt, against my better judgement. bleh. I called when I was almost there, to ask if J still had time/wanted to see me kind of hoping she’d say no, she booked another client instead. No such luck. So.

I guess it wasn’t horrible. It’s just sometimes it’s such a struggle to go there. And then it’s such a struggle to leave! How much sense does that make? Hello, WalkingContradiction

Today’s lesson was that I need to accept who I am and where I am, instead of just getting mad at myself for not being where I want to be. Which. Ya know. Whatever. I mean. What do I even mean? I mean that where I am now is black and cold and prickly and musty and deafeningly silent/loud and lonely and unbalanced and neverendingly deep and terrifying and comfortable?? Eh. It was comfortable, in a fucked up kind of a way before. But it isn’t any longer and I just want out.

“He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” isn’t that what Neitzsche said?

I’ve become the monster. And it’s not so much that the abyss is gazing into me. It’s more like…I’ve become the abyss.

Speaking of which, that is one of my favourite movies. It’s simply just fucking brilliant as Sal would say

Anyways. I dunno. I think she says a lot of really great stuff. She’s just got a really crappy student. *sigh* Oh yeah, I’m not s’posed to think like that.

I think I feel like I’ve been treading water for so long, and I just want to stop and rest and be still, but I can’t. And maybe that’s why it’s so hard for me to leave j’s office at the end of the session. Cuz sitting there on the couch is pretty much as close to still as I get without feeling like I’m going to drown. And at the same time…I dunno. Today she said something like that I was….tense but relaxed? Relaxed tension. Eheh. Pretty damn good name for it, if I do say so myself. And I think it’s cuz I can only relax so far….I can only slow down my treading so much, before I feel guilty that I might be using her for a life jacket or something. And that’s certainly not allowed. cuz i fear i’d never want to start treading againwhich is definately not the goal.

She gave me a copy of a few pages from a book about…uh, not sure what the whole book is about, but the part she gave me is discussing things like borderline personality disorder (the author’s definition, which is pretty different from the DSM definition) and parasuicidal behaviour. And emotion dysregulation and stuff. And reading it is. I dunno. Sometimes it’s difficult not to mold yourself into a dx, especially when you’ve really barely any sense of self to begin with. But….reading this stuff, it’s just kind of right on the mark. Like. Scarily right on the mark. And some of the things j was saying today were also way too close to home. I mean. Not too close. Just. Also right on the mark. Which is hard to listen to because I can see that she’s talking about me, yet it’s as if we’re discussing some other life. Some other entity. Like one of those waterworms from The Abyss or something. No, that’s not really it. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like being in a dream more like a nightmare where…you’re in the dream, but you’re also the dreamer. So. Essentially, you’re watching yourself. You’re existing in two planes simultaneously. Or something.

Beh. It’d be much easier to c&p the parts she sent me in an email. :op The author is Linehan. (And oh, I was just looking up a link to some web stuff when I realized why this seemed familiar. It’s part of the Deb’s SI site….gah, hadn’t been there in ages…)

Ok. 7pm. Perhaps I can justify sleep now. My jaw hurts and my shoulders hurt and my head hurts. Anyways….yeah. Marsha Linehan.
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Linehan (1993a) distinguishes between three dimensions of behavior patterns along which borderline behavior can be characterized: (a) emotional vulnerability versus self-invalidation, (b) active passivity versus apparent competence, and (c) unrelenting crises versus inhibited grieving. Emotional vulnerability, active passivity, and unrelenting crises are those poles of the dimensions that are affected by the biological disposition of the borderline patient. Self-invalidation, apparent competence, and inhibited grieving reflect the social consequences of emotional expression.

The first dimension (emotional vulnerability vs. self-invalidation) reflects the high emotional arousal and sensitivity characteristic of BPD and the tendency to invalidate the experience of these emotions, which have been associated developmentally with shame and guilt. Thus, a vicious cycle is created whereby the experience of intense feelings is invalidated because of shame and guilt, which produces more intense negative feelings, which have associated with them more secondary feelings of shame and guilt, and so on.

The second dimension (active passivity vs. apparent competence) reflects, on the one hand, the borderline patient’s tendency to approach life’s problems passively while actively demanding that other people problem solve for them. Simultaneously, these patients portray themselves as competent in areas they are not. Consequently, borderline patients fail to communicate their emotional distress, leading others to believe that everything is alright when in reality the patient is emotionally dysregulated and volatile.

The third dimension (unrelenting crises vs. inhibited grieving) refers to the patient’s inability to fully experience grief most likely associated with trauma, and, at the same time, the tendency to perpetuate crisis after crisis with insufficient recovery periods in between. Because invalidating environments cut off the communicative function of emotions, borderline patients fluctuate between extreme inhibition and extreme disinhibition. By not fully recovering from emotional crises, borderline patients are prone to perpetual crises, which serve to regulate unresolved grief.

According to DBT, the emotional dysregulation that typifies BPD has its etiology in the interaction between biology and environment. The biological underpinnings of emotional dysregulation are high sensitivity and high reactivity to painful affects, as well as a slow return to emotional baseline after arousal. As a result, borderline patients are primed for high emotional reactivity because the biological concomitants of negative affectivity are still active and have not returned to premorbid levels. In conjunction with the biological vulnerability, borderline patients are often subjected to invalidating environments. Typical features of the invalidating environment are being exposed to caregivers or significant others who (a) respond erratically and inappropriately to private emotional experiences, (b) are insensitive to people’s emotional states, (c) have a tendency to over- or underreact to emotional experiences, (d) emphasize control over negative emotions, and (e) have a tendency to trivialize painful experiences and/or attribute such experiences to negative traits (e.g., lack of motivation or discipline). The interaction between emotional vulnerability and invalidating environments results in not being able to (a) label and modulate emotions, (b) tolerate emotional or interpersonal distress, and (c) trust private experiences as valid (Linehan, 1993a).

Viewing the chaotic parasuicidal world of the borderline patient in this way dramatically changes the way parasuicidal gestures are interpreted. Parasuicidal behaviors are no longer thought of as manipulative and controlling but as maladaptive attempts at problem solving and emotion regulation. In contrast to other models and treatments for borderline personality disorder (e.g., Clarkin, Yeomans, & Kernberg, 1999), a dialectical worldview immediately looks for the wisdom or adaptiveness in the parasuicidal gesture; that is, although the gesture is dysfunctional, it has been shaped by an environment that actively teaches emotional invalidation. As such, these gestures serve self-regulatory functions and also serve to elicit responses in significant others who have not responded appropriately to the patient’s emotional needs. According to Linehan (1993a), what may be viewed as dysfunctional, distorted, and destructive may actually be adaptive, accurate, and constructive.