Even when I’m broke….

I still feel the need to use the last 3 bucks in my pocket to get a chai from MC. *sigh* Even tho it’s not quite the same without Marcus there. The girls just don’t make the frozen chai thing like he does. Actually, most of them don’t even know what it is… Well. Girl-without-braces-now makes them pretty good. But she wasn’t there. There was, however, some rude man there who wasn’t happy with anything and he was all like, demanding, telling the girl how to make something all condescendingly as if they were stupid or something. :op I made sure to be extra nice when I asked her to make my drink.

It annoys me. I mean. I’m not….I’m not a happy person right now :op but. But I still at least -try- to be polite, ya know? To most people anyways. I hope?? Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m just as mean as him and don’t realize it. Tho, he did realize it, cuz the girl behind the counter was talking about someone, asked if he knew her…he’s like “Oh god yeah. I’ve known her for probably 27 years…” and then he went on to list all of the reasons he (apparently) didn’t like her. But. Call it intuition, call it a good sense for nonverbal cues…but the girl behind the counter obviously really -liked- the person she mentioned. After he was done, she was trying to say nice things, ya know. And he was walking away and was just like I should be nice. But I can’t be. *shakes head*

I know, I’m prolly being hypocritical. I know there are things that I should be that I’m not. But. Generally I try not to let those things make me outwardly crochety and cynical, at least not to the general population. I dunno.

I’ve been dl music today and yesterday. I miss the days of being able to dl songs in 45 seconds, unlike the 10 minutes it takes now. bleh.

I just dl Citadel by Anna Nalick. Not as heartstopping as 2am, but catchy nonetheless. Dunno what I want now. I dl Scars by Papa Roach earlier. And some Simple Plan since no one sells the *&&&*#($*&#&#!@!! cd around here.

I was sitting at work the other night reading Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat. Wonder if that was appropriate…I mean, it’s just a Calvin & Hobbes collection. But, eheh. Wouldn’t want to offend anyone. I want to get Yukon Ho! cuz I think it’s the only one I don’t have.

I wish that I had tv so I could lay listlessly in front of it all day. eheh. Wow, that’s quite a goal. fuckwit lah lah lah.

I am trying desperately to not get overly excited about this girl. I shall call her…AJ. lol. That sounds biblical. “And he shall be called Adam. And she shall be known as Eve” or something. I don’t know what the hell I’m rambling about.

If I get this other job, I prolly won’t be eligible for food stamps anymore. That would be ok. But if it makes me ineligible for health insurance. Well then I’m just plain fucked. The Wellbutrin alone costs $200+ a month. The synthroid is manageable- the generic is, at least, even tho H says I shouldn’t take the generic because sometimes the ingredients fluxuate. I mean, it has the same ingredients, but each batch can be just a little different. Or maybe she was talking about generic wellbutrin.

Anyways. 200ish for the (generic) wellbutrin, 15-20 for the (generic) synthroid. 200 for a month of Lunesta. (wow. Who knew you’d get so many porn sites when searching for “lunesta price” but forget to put in the closing quotation marks. geesh.)

Of course, I’d do without the lunesta. And as much as I’d love to do away with the wellbutrin, I’m thinking that it’s prolly not an option right now….But still. 220 a month for meds. Plus rent. Utilities. Gas. Food….I don’t think I’d be able to do it. Not to mention I wouldn’t be able to go to the dr when I needed to, like I can now.

Prolly best not to think about these things. Even with another job I’d still prolly be below poverty level, or at least be below the amount that disqualifies one for medPlus.

This all reminds me that I need to pay bills. Eheh. Ok. Cleaning. I’m going to go clean now. Really. Honest. pltzzzz.

Citadel, Anna Nalick

I’m sitting on a citadel
Contemplating life
Making a point to waste my time
I’m walking on clouds of white

What if I fall?
What if I don’t?
What if I never make it home?
What if I bleed?
What if I break?
And I find that I can’t take
The city below the Citadel
Holding my own hand?

And I’m breaking on the balcony
Breaking window panes
Killing the pain of broken hearts
I’m walking on clouds
Walking on stars

What if I fall?
What if I don’t?
What if I never make it home?
What if I bleed?
What if I break?
And I find that I can’t take
The city below the Citadel
Holding my own hand?

I’m holding on to something
It’s keeping me from jumping
I’m so afraid to go it alone
And holding up this fortress
With imaginary forces
Longing for a life down below

What if I fall?
What if I don’t?
What if I never make it home?
What if I bleed?
What if I break?
And I find that I can’t take
The city below the Citadel
Holding my own hand?