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I can’t stop crying.
Every time I stop, something happens and I set myself off again.
M and I had a….a fight? today. Except I can’t consider something a fight when I’m not actively fighting. Especially when I’m actively trying NOT to fight/escalate. So maybe it wasn’t a fight. All I know is it ended with her pushing past me and saying “just leave me alone” and using the quiet-angry voice she so often used with E and me trying to figure out what freakish parallel universe I’d managed to warp myself in to, driving to school, throwing up in the parking lot, and then sitting in my car crying for 20 minutes. I tried to call AJ but she couldn’t talk, so then I called J who offered only Ideal World situations/solutions/circumstances. Talked to M then, but I can’t remember if that conversation ended good or not, as I was still crying when I hung up. So I called Em.

Poor girl. Second time this week I’ve called her up crying my head off. *sigh* She told me I should go visit her this weekend. I told her, truthfully so, that driving 2 hrs is definitely NOT something I ought to do in my current state of being.

Saw KC at the show tonite. Well, before, actually, in the art studio. There was randomly a straight-edge razor laying about and she was like “oops” and picked it up. She refused to let me have it. I wanted it. I want it. I need it. I need it. I need something solid to hang on to, cuz everything else is disintegrating.

I’ve given up a coping method without finding something to replace it, and that’s just stupid.

And there are a million fragments in my brain…..

opinions are bad, life was easier when I was quiet and all-agreeable// how can I be letting her down after all she does for me all of the time// just one swift motion. or three or four. just small. please.// pillspillspillspills.butnotenough.// raining, want to take a looong walk and splash in puddles// leave, leave, leave and never come back// fuck this feeling of home. it’s a figment of my imagination.// fuck integrity. let desire win for a change//

so much more, but I’m so tired. Tired of trying, fighting, struggling. So many fucking straws, not enough camels.

I hear the rain. Focus on the rain. On its sound.

shouldn’t’ve let them in. shoulda stuck with total independence. needing others only ends in loss.

I want to call J again. She’s got the right voice for a therapist. For a calming person. And even if her Ideal Reality isn’t MY reality…at least she truly believes in it. And at least listening to her makes me feel better, even if it’s only for a few minutes.

But it’s late now. And I am already kicking myself for calling her once and bothering her today.

So I’ll just close my eyes and listen to the rain outside as I feel the hot droplets slip down my cheeks and sink in to my ears. And I’ll pray quietly to not wake up, but I’ll do nothing to assist in its answering. Cuz then I’d just have more people mad at me and that’s not something I can handle.

Not that I seem to be handling anything.

Shit.

I didn’t want to BE here again.