Crime Rate on the Rise?

huh. Apparently 3 or 4 ppl have gotten mugged in the last week or so, on main street. And apparently the uni-mart- the one that sits beneath my living room window, was robbed? Or, someone attempted to rob it?

Lovely.

Went to Allies tonite. Big turn-out. Almost 30 ppl. Ten to one, at least a third, if not 3/4 of them will not be attending meetings in another 2 or 3 weeks. lah. Hopefully I’m wrong. But. Ken has this lovely way of being completely NEGATIVE about the group. Like. He sat there tonite and was essentially like “Yeah, we plan things and are lazy so nothing gets done…” And. Well, he didn’t say we’re lazy. And he is essentially correct- most of the things we try to do fall thru due to lack of participation. But. Geesus. Does he have to lecture on the FIRST meeting? Can he not learn how to be diplomatic and frame things more appropriately? Whatever. Not my problem. Not my problem. NOT MY PROBLEM. (Oh, but how can I fix it….)

I talked to Homie on IM today, so that was lovely. She seems to be doing ok, tho we only were able to chat for a minute.

*sigh* Saw another friend this evening, when a group of us went to dinner. She moved in with one of her good friends and her friends’ husband. Unfortunately, said husband is a fucking asshole. I believe he was making advances at her for quite a while last semester. But now, as far as I can tell, it’s gone far past Advances into full-blown non-consensual, consensual sex? I can’t say that for certain. But I asked her if it had gotten worse and she said yeah, much worse, about as far worse as it could get…So.

This makes me really angry. It was all I could do to not go to the friend- who was there, because they work together on some shifts- and tell her what was going on. I told MY friend that she didn’t have to put up with such shit. But she believes that she does, because they’ve been so good to her and because she has no savings and no where else to live. She doesn’t believe that she has any other options.

If a person doesn’t define what is happening to them as rape, is it still rape?

She hasn’t told anyone the extent of things. (Why is it that I so often seem to be the recipient of classified information? Not that I’m complaining, just…I dunno. I hear the phrase “no one else knows…” somewhat often in my relationships. This, technically, is a good thing. Because at least they trust me and have told *someone* But. It’s hard to hold such things inside of myself. It does make me realize how scared I’ve prolly made various individuals in my life at one point or another….)

She is of age and so I don’t know that I’m obligated (legally at least. Ethically….) to report it. And. Even if I did, I think she’d convince whomever investigated the situation that it wasn’t a big deal, that it was consensual, etc etc. Because. I dunno. I don’t know how she honestly feels about it, ya know? Yet. Even as I say that, I cringe. Because it feels too much like I’m saying “maybe she enjoys it…” And, I don’t mean to be saying that. But. What am I trying to say? I’m trying to say that I know she craves love. I know, from the outside looking in, this is what I see: If she could choose, she wouldn’t allow it to happen. But since it IS happening, she has accepted it as just the way things have to be and so has convinced herself that it’s not really so bad.

I want to throw up.

I want to make her move in with me. Even tho she prolly wouldn’t and even tho I’m not allowed to have anyone but me living here and even tho I can’t afford it and even tho there just isn’t space enough for two people to live in this already-crowded apartment. But if I got rid of the living room furniture, I could get a futon. I could put all of the clothes in my dresser somewhere in my closet and put the dresser in the living room with the futon and….I don’t know. I want to help. I need to help. I don’t think that she will let me help, other than by letting me listen. Which is way better than nothing. But. I wonder if she would consider living in shelter/bridge housing for a while? I know better than to stick my nose in where it’s not wanted. And she has a voice and doesn’t necessarily need me to advocate for her (does she..?) but. At least I can make the suggestion.

And. It’s just. I know that technically it is not related to my situation at all. But. It’s not doing much in the way of helping my brain believe that sexstuff is good. Or natural. Or loving. Or nonshameful.

It makes me want to soak in a bathtub full of clorox and lysol, after scrubbing my skin raw with steel wool.I wish I was exaggerating…

The world is so wrong. So very wrong in so many ways. It’s difficult to tolerate. It’s difficult to believe that awareness is better than ignorance.

A bunch of us went to Jay/Ken/Beeker/Wolfie’s apt after the meeting and dinner, to watch Donnie Darko— the director’s cut. One of the scenes was an english class discussing the book/movie Watership Down. And Donnie was asking why they should care about the rabbits. And the teacher replied that it was “because the rabbits are us.” And Donnie argued that, no, they weren’t. They were just animals. The teacher was like “are you saying that one species is better than another? that one deserves to die…” (I don’t think she said deserves, but anyways…) And Donnie was like, Yes. Because they’re not humans. They don’t have history books and photographs and memories and regret. They are rabbits. And rabbits eat and are horny and therefore prolly happy with their lot in life. That they don’t know fear of death or of the fear of death….

Unless I am controlling my death, I’m not sure that I would want to know when it was going to happen. The whole “if you had one day left to live, what would you do…” thing? Yeah. I’d prolly spend it worrying and trying to figure out how to avoid dying. I would waste the day until the moment came, and then I would regret not having done things that I should’ve done.

Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

(I’m not saying that I agree with Donnie, that one species deserves to live more than another, because I don’t believe that. I don’t believe that just because we are “top of the food chain” that it’s right for humans to hunt and/or kill other animals just for sport. When a bear or dog mauls and kills a human, that animal is put to death. When a human shoots and kills a bear, the human gets a new rug or a stuffed head to hang on the wall. It’s fucking disgusting. “yay! Look at me, I can destroy innocent creatures!!” Hooray for you. Fuckwits. And I also don’t buy the “if we didn’t hunt deer, etc, there would be an over-abundance of them…” Yeah well. I think the earth would be a helluva lot better off if it were overpopulated with deer rather than humans.)

I digress. I think. Perhaps I don’t.

I feel guilty. I feel guilty for having someone as amazing and wonderful and kind and gentle and patient and sensitive and understanding and etc as AJ is, when so many of my friends…just don’t have that. Not to say that I’d rather not have AJ. Certainly not to say that. She’s quite quickly become tethered to my soul and I’m I don’t think that I’d feel whole (such as it is…) without her now. I just wish that we weren’t the exception to the norm- I wish that all of my friendsknew love and had love like I seem to now have. Certainly some of them are far more deserving of it than I. (Best I can figure is that I lucked out- AJ’s the one deserving of all the love, and because I can/will/do love her with all of everything that I am, I kind of win by default?)

I feel helpless tonite. Not exactly a new feeling for me. But, still. It’s hard to sleep, knowing the things that people in my life are being forced to endure. Or. Feeling forced to endure. Or something.

I wish someone would shoot that bastard and use HIS skin for a rug.

men are just fucking disgusting. I’m not sure that I’ll ever be convinced otherwise. And I don’t care if I’m generalizing or stereotyping or whatever the hell it is that I’m doing. People put all of their faith in and believe in a God that they’ve never seen. So why can’t I base my belief system on that which I’ve actually witnessed??

I need razors. The ugliness is crawling beneath my flesh. I can feel it- so dark and viscous. I need to let it out. I need release. I need pain. I need numbness.

I need sleep.