cope.

as the week goes on, i am getting worse and worse at trying to cope. i don’t know why. i’ve not been skipping my meds and i’ve been trying to use skills to help me keep my head above water.

but i’m sinking.

i spent the weekend at H’s. It was wonderful to cuddle Z and the baby. But H was majorly stressed out and I have no way to fix it. Or. I DO have a way, I’m just not *willing*. (To move there and live there and be their nanny) Even tho I think her kids need some intervention, or her son is going to be a freaking monster. she’s trying her best and some kids just are what they are. but much of her parenting is guilt-driven, it seems to me. like feeding him toast. he’s 3. and totally capable. “it’s just cuz he wants attention” she says. Right. but. you’re spoiling him. and teaching him that he’s the boss and that he can control the entire household.

but it’s not my place to say anything, so i keep my mouth shut and feed the baby. cuz i want to be her ally, not her enemy.

but i lied to her about a million times over the weekend, cuz when i’m honest, i get lectured and called names like irresponsible and stupid and other things that make me FEEL stupid and worthless and like a failure.

and then everytime i open the mail, it’s yet ANOTHER notice of how I’m fucking up. It’s one thing to get notices where i KNOW i’ve fucked up, like ‘bounced’ checks and things. but when i’m getting notices for bills I THOUGHT I paid, that I apparently DIDN’T pay?? UGH. It’s so frustrating.

And one of the kids blew up at school on Monday and I was stuck in a room with my kid, the asshole kid that i literally LOATHE, and the other kid who I’m pretty positive is getting abused big time and who acts like a 3 year old and who is getting worse and worse as the days go on….stuck in a room with the three of them, by myself, for nearly 2 hours.

First, that’s not allowed, per my agency policy. but…it wasn’t an ‘on purpose’ kind of situation, and i don’t want to get anyone in trouble because of it. and i don’t want to complain because it’s not like there were a whole lot of options. it was a crisis, we all did what we could. but. it just….pushed my stress level to the max.

So after school, i go to take Rach’s sweater to the office- it happened to be her kid who blew up- we work for the same agency- and i walked in on yoga. i went there on purpose as soon as school let out cuz i thought yoga was 330 to 5, but apparently it’s 3-430. and to add icing to the crumbling wall, J was being the instructor. why should that make a difference? I dunno. i just felt like a heel for interrupting AND i wanted to just go over and give her a big hug or call her or whatever. i guess cuz it just reminded me that i have no one to vent to. when everything else was shitty and all, at least i could count on her. but whatever.

so later i drove half an hour to my other client and got there at 5. they didn’t show up til a quarter after, so i sat in my car and called L, with the intention of venting. but once she answered, i found that i couldn’t, cuz i didn’t want to add stress to *her* day.

then i spent 2 hours surrounded by 2 dozen boyscouts of varying ages. But. my new client is a cuddler, so that was nice. til his mom yelled at him for it. whatev.

and my fucking computer is still slower than catshit.