c’n’p

cut and pasted from my lj cuz i didn’t want to type it over again. it’s bad enough that i can’t get the episode, which is playing in slow motion, on a loop, out of my head.
i want to get me out of my head. but i’m not allowed. people won’t let go and they should and they don’t understand that they should. but they should. cuz i’m only gonna hurt them in the end.
i tried to buy razors this morning after work. but i didn’t have enough cash on me. so i didn’t. but i wanted want to.
i’ve had a headache for 2 days.
i apparently talked to j yesterday morning on the phone, and i don’t remember it. and that makes me sad. and it scares me. but mostly makes me sad. dejected, p’raps? it’s so infrequently that i allow myself to call her (eheh…at least, compared to the times when I *want* to call and don’t…) and it’s not fair that when she called me we talked for 8 and a half minutes yet i wasn’t really even a part of the conversation. she said i was coherent. *shrugs*
i’m going to bed. sometimes i wish that i believed in god so that i could pray to never wake up. but i don’t. and for all intents and purposes, i’m physically healthy. so there’s not much chance of me going peacefully in my sleep.
and i wish that i could help it along. i mean, surely i could mix up enough of a cocktail to be effective. but, there’s that whole aspect again of hurting other people. they need to let go so that I can just finally let go. i’m too tired to keep holding and struggling and climbing and getting up when i fall. and i’m tired of being tired.
anyways. here’s the part that i cut and pasted…..

July 3rd, 2005
08:57 pm: stop the world, i wanna get off.
so. last nite they call me in early to work. fine. i do what i’m s’posed to do, hang out, help out. one of the pt’s wants to shave- she’s only allowed to do so under supervision. Fine. I go in and watch her shave. All is well. Collect her stuff, put it back. Another pt wants to shave. One of my coworkers told her maybe tomorrow, cuz everyone was busy tonite. so she threw a fit. I happened to be coming up the hall after watching the last lady, so the coworker suggests that I go with this one. Fine, it’s easy enough. She promised the coworker that she was feeling ok. so she shaves, cleans up, and is then like “oh, just one more thing to do, need to rinse everything off” Ok. I’m standing leaning against the frame of the bathroom door, she’s about a foot away at the sink. And then all of a sudden she was just slicing and dicing at her arm. fuckin’a. apparently i handle crisis things very well while in the midst of them. i grabbed her arm and she struggled and i tried to 1. keep the arm with the razor away from the other arm 2. keep the arm with the razor from slicing into my face, since it was about 5 inches away and flailing all about 3. keep all the blood coming out of the other arm from getting on me. she’s bigger than me. but i fought with her til she gave up the razor. then i go into the hall- her room is at the END of the hall – and am screaming for someone to come help me, but the staff is oblivious. Until finally I was like “HEY. I NEED HELP HERE. HEEEEY” (Previously I had been shouting their names. Ya know, trying to get attn without freaking all of the other patients out.) One of them finally sees me and gets up so I go back in the bathroom and the lady was like “Are you mad at me???” (Hello Borderline!!!) I just gritted my teeth and was like “no. Put your arm over the sink.” Sometimes i just fucking hate my job. sometimes i just wish i could be the one who loses it instead of the one who has to keep it all together.

Current Mood: nauseated
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the end.
good thing i wasn’t being attacked or anything. no one woulda heard. no one woulda noticed. *raises eyebrow* maybe i shoulda just let her have at me. she’d get her anger out and i’d…i’d save the trouble of having to fight off the urges to hurt myself.
sometimes i wish i was less fucked up. that i could cope better.
sometimes i wish i was more fucked up. that i could just fly off the handle.