Catching Fire

I’m in the mood to write, but have nothing to write about. I’m at work and I just finished the first book of The Hunger Games and started the second, but I think I want to let the first sink in a bit, ya know….savor it. Hmmm the kindle says I spelled savor wrong. And that I spelled spelled wrong, too? I know I should’ve used quotations marks in the last sentence but they’re kind of a pain. Lol.
 
So, after my lovely coffee date with La, I drove home and stopped by the shop to see John. I do that a lot lately. He goes thru swings of depression too, and sometimes I feel like I can be honest with him when I’m at my shittiest. Anyways, today he said I seemed to be doing well, that I seemed happy I guess and I laughed and said that 4 hrs with La would do that to a person, but he said he meant in general, not just today. And I guess I’ve been doing ok. I still spend a lot of time in bed, but after discovering that the Lyme disease could be the cause of that, I stopped beating myself up over it and so my perspective of my self has been slightly more positive…it turns out that maybe I’m not just a lazy, worthless, waste of flesh…maybe I have a medical condition–with a tangible test result–that explains it. Don’t get me wrong- I believe depression is just as real as Lyme disease. But when it comes to myself, it’s difficult to not beat myself up when I’m in the clutched of depression, difficult to stop me from calling myself all kinds of awful names when I can’t get out of bed because of it. Which is dumb, cuz I’d never call John or whoever those names if they were going thru the same things. I still haven’t learned how to be very gentle with myself (although I’m better at it than I used to be, scarily enough).
 
Aaaannnnyways. John also asked me if I was lonely(we were talking about potential girlfriends) and it took me a while to figure out an answer to that. Because, while I am extremely lonely at times, I don’t necessarily classify myself as a lonely person, ya know? I like my personal space…I like living alone and not having to share or be considerate of anyone else in the house. That’s not to say I want to live alone forever, but in general I’m not unhappy living alone. Would I like a companion, a girlfriend…definitely. But I’m not obsessed with finding one and I don’t feel like less of a person for not having one.
 
That being said, I do wish I had the ability to be more social, sometimes. I tend to keep my circle of friends small, and the whole thing with Guy has caused me to separate from a chunk of that circle. When I think about that chunk, I get lonely and miss it a great deal. It’s ironic that it’s actually loneliness that necessitates that rift. Which seems contradictory to the last paragraph, but it’s not, really. I just need to relearn self control. Or how to not feel so needy. Or something…
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Ugh. I drank so much coffee while chatting with La that even after a run I didn’t sleep before work and now it’s barely 130 and I’m already so sleepy! It’s gonna be a long nite.
 
I really need to lose weight. La mentioned that my face looked puffy- she thought it was from the antibiotics, she wasn’t trying to be rude- and I was like No, I just weigh more now than I ever have in my whole life. Lol. It actually felt good to run today. I hope I can keep it up. I have no excuse not to for the next few days cuz I don’t work again until Thursday I think, so that should help.
 
Wee. I think I’ll go write some letters.
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I’m halfway thru Catching Fire…sometimes I just have to stop reading when the anticipation is too much. I know, that seems like the exact opposite of a normal reaction, but I don’t do well with suspense and if I don’t set the book aside for a few minutes to distance myself, I’ll just end up skipping whole paragraphs and whatnot. Story of my life…never give in fully to the experience. Always gotta hold back some.
 
I watched the sky turn pink with the sunrise thru the bars on the windows this morning. The thought crossed my mind I feel reborn. Then Ithought ok, maybe not reborn, but rejuvenated. Which is often the case after I hang out with people I enjoy hanging out with. And part of it is the run from yesterday. Maybe this time I won’t lose my momentum….so today I’m gonna go home and sleep, then get up and go for another one.
 
Wee. Only 25 more minutes and I’m outta here for a few days. It’s been several weeks since I’ve had consecutive days off in a row. I’m excited to maybe get some shit done around the apt. It’s so funny…you can almost tell the time by the way these guys all turn in to cocoons at the same time every morning. Once the sun starts coming up, almost every one of then nests under the covers.
 
Ok, back to Katniss for a few minutes til it’s time to leave….
 
(Oi, I’m so interesting. How can you stand it!) ;o)