Banana Chips and Strawberry Cream Cheese.

It’s raining today. Or rather, I should that it is rainy, since the ground is wet and there are puddles and things are dripping, but there’s not much actual rain falling. Just kind of a drizzlemist. I’d be ok with a full out thunderstorm. I’d much prefer it actually. If the sky has to be dark at 2pm, it should be covered in black clouds and lightning, damnit.

In other news. Wednesday means therapy-day. Well. Let me start with yesterday.

Clinical was s l o w. But that wasn’t altogether bad. Liz -did- switch us, but she apparently wasn’t going to until I said something in pre-conference and then it became an Ordeal and I tried to recind my request but she was having none of it. *rolls eyes* So. It all worked out fine in the end. I passed meds with Diana. No shots though :o( Which is WHY I wanted to pass meds….giving pills isn’t complicated. Oh well. Since it was slow and meds are given around 6 and then not again til around nine, that left free time. I shadowed the charge nurse. At one point she was calibrating the BGM machine and Liz and I were standing there and I’m not sure what we were talking about but I said something and the charge nurse laughed and was like “I like her! Can we keep her??” That made me feel nice. wee. Otherwise, I didn’t do much.

Poetry was poetry. He hasn’t handed back ANYthing of mine that I’ve given him in the last 2 weeks, which is like, 8 pieces, I think. -the joke one, found one, tabloid one, seuss-ish one, news one, freewrite one, heritage one, childhood reading memory one….there might be more, but that’s -at least- 8. Hrmph. Oh well. Not like I’d have time to revise over break anyways….Tho we *do* have to write 2 sonnets AND a metered piece that is at least 10 lines long (has to have the same amount of syllables in each line, with an allowed variance of 2) Joy. I detest writing sonnets. Yes, I do love form, and yes I’m a stickler for form sometimes…but…I dunno. When I write, my pieces create their own forms…not like a sonnet where there’s a form and you have to fit your stuff in to it. I mean, it’s good to write them…sometimes when you’re chained to a form, you get creative in other ways. But still.

Ok. So. Today. lah lah lah. Therapy was….mmm….difficult? but…good? I think? eheh. The good part is that I *talked*. As a result, I’m not now kicking myself for minutes upon minutes of disconcerting silence. The difficult part is that I *talked*. heheh. I dunno. Sometimes talking brings the scary stuff to the forefront and I can’t even pretend that I’m ignoring it anymore. Which somehow…gives It the upper hand. Or. It feels that way, sort of. It’s like jumping up and down in front of the elephant and shouting “Hey! Hey!!! STEP ON ME!!!” eheh. But. It’s ok, I think. J talked too. Which was nice, to have feedback and something akin to a conversation broken by bits of silence instead of silence momentarily paused by a few seconds worth of speech. Tho, that was somewhat scary too. Cuz. I dunno. She’s just really…on track, as she says. Or in tune with the way my brain works. Which I don’t really wish on anyone! LOL. (No offense to those I brainshare with. But that’s different. 2 brains working the same is different than a brain’s workings being understood by a brain that doesn’t work in the same way.) (if that made sense.)

No, but. I dunno. We were talking about it, cuz she asks if she’s on track and she is and I mentioned how it’s scary how perceptive she is. And like she said, she -has- known me for a long time. But. Yeah. It’s good to be known, but scary to be known. Scary to have someone that…close?

lol…she also kept pointing out when I would bite my lips or whatnot. All of those little nonverbal things that I don’t realize that I do. She said my mouth ‘works’ when I’m thinking about something, that it seems to do that when I’m thinking about a thought that I think should be hidden. And at another point I don’t even remember what I was doing…just tracing the grain of my jeans, I guess? And she mentioned how it seemed like I was like, like i needed a bit of a distraction because I couldn’t put all of my thought towards whatever we were discussing. Tho that habit I’m sometimes more aware of, cuz sometimes it’s a conscious thing.

On one hand her observations make me smile cuz it’s like….duh, that’s what therapists DO! The nonverbal is more telling than the verbal. I’ve had enough psych and speech classes to know that. I think I just know it intuitively, because I do the same thing when I’m talking to friends…I watch them, guage their facial reactions or the way they’re holding their bodies or whatever.

But on the other hand…it’s one thing to observe these things and know, in general what they probably mean. It’s another to be kind of as dead-on as J tends to be. Or how I don’t realize it til she says it and then I’m aware of it and I realize she’s right. All the stuff we do when we’re not aware of it….I forget, I guess, that other people are aware of it in me just as I am in them. Tho most of my relationships, the focus is on them and not me. So. *shrugs*

Talking leaves me tired. So does silence. But at least with the talking, I don’t seem to have that vortex of swirling uncatchable thoughts whirling around in my head afterwards. Things I wanted to say and didn’t, things I should’ve said and couldn’t.

So. It was good.

And I even walked to the drug store and picked up my synthroid. 2 days late but still. And then I stopped at MC and got a bagel with strawberry cream cheese. I ran in to Dr Val on my way to the drug store (A&P prof from last semester) and she remembered my name 🙂 She’s such a cutie. And then, I ran in to J on my way back home! eheh. I got another hug, so that was nice.

🙂 Journey curled up with me ALL night last nite. First she snuggled up to my side and kneaded my stomach for 15 minutes, and then fell asleep. I layed there and listened to her purr. She doesn’t purr like Pandora purrs, but she still does purr sometimes. And then I shifted around and so she got up and moved to her regular spot next to my pillow. heh. But she bit my hand thru the blanket until I put my arm on TOP of the blanket, and then she curled up with her head on my arm. Gah. I love that creature.

And now I’ve effectively procrastinated another 40 minutes. I MUST STUDY. I must. Even if I only learn half of the stuff. It is better than none. I mustn’t get overwhelmed with the sheer volume of information that will be on the exam. Don’t eat the whole elephant at once….. heh.

And I need to remember to pick the kids up at 430. *sets alarm*

I will not take my computer to M’s with me. I will take nothing but my notes and my huge-ass book that weighs a ton.

I hate how I get so anxious about studying enough that I avoid studying at -all.- That’s a REALLY BAD THING. eheh.

Ok. Gonna turn up the heat, turn on the lights, and study, study, study. Yes. Intestines, here I come.