Avoidance

So. I’ve been avoiding studying because I’m afraid of failing. And at least if I don’t study, then I can say “I didn’t study!” And I won’t just fail cuz I’m stupid. There’s a psychological term for that process, but I can’t recall it at the moment.

I have managed to get two papers written, so that’s something, right?

My heart feels restless.

I just spent 56 minutes on the phone with Jay. He’s not doing well. He wants to shut down, but he can’t afford to shut down. Why must I hurt so much when my friends are hurting? I feel like I can’t breathe, because…why? Because I could tell that as we hung up he still felt defeated and as if he was going to cry. And I could do nothing.

I want to see The Neverending Story right now. The rock monster. When The Nothing comes in and sweeps everyone away. And later Atreyu (I think) finds him, and he is like “Right through my fingers. I had them, and they slipped right through…..” Something about how he was so strong, but yet he couldn’t hold on to them. And that’s how I feel, like I can’t hold on and everything just slips right through.

The people downstairs are shouting at one another and slamming things around. Hope it’s not domestic violence. I could call the police, but do you really think they’d do anything to the cheif of police? Highly unlikely.

I’m cold. I’d like to take a nap. I’d like to shut down, and I don’t know why. I’d like to pretend that I don’t have a huge, huge urge to go find sharp things right now.

I’d like to not feel so scared, for unknown reasons. I’d like a hug. I’d like my stomach to stop hurting (not a new thing. It’s been ucky for a few days now)

I’d like to not be gaining large amounts of weight from this stupid medication, which makes me feel hungry all the damn time.

Yeah. But mostly, I’d like a hug.

*sigh*

(hug) and (hug) and (hug) and… a cool cloth for your forehead and a warm water bottle for your tummy and… a whisper in your ear–sweet dreams, you. No sharp things… just five more minutes darlin’. & then… five more… Shhhhh…. (& thank you for the happy b-day wishes and I think it’s fabulous that we went from faves to friends. you hang in there, girl. You don’t have to carry

the weight of everyone elses’ sorrow–even though it’s an admirable thing–it’s hard on our souls, Babe. Hold their hands and then–let them take it with them when they go. We have enough stuff of our own to sort thru, you know??

…that restless heart thing must be goin’ around like a virus or something… you know rachelclare said that the recent flu had been dubbed the “echo virus” ’round her parts cuz you’d get a little bit sick–feel better then WHAM–you get REALLY sick. …restless heart though… I got the same thing going on… & I’m not the only one. There’s a lot of little antsy yearners out there,

lately. I can sense it… like the air itself is tapping it’s airy fingers… tap tap tap… …waiting. wishing. wanting. But for what we are unsure.

i so totally understand the wanting a hug thing.