atsenul

fuck. wanted to be fast asleep by now bt apparently thats just not happening. came home and wanted to finish writing to j BEFORE taking it so it would be mostly coherent and legible. then i took it. play around on the computer for a while. even lay down for a bit. but i just…had to get up and i’m not sleeping. sleepy, i guess. anxious now, cuz i am terrified of sleeping in and not getting to work on time. maybe i’ll call work and ask them to call me early to make sure i’m awake.

mostly i’m jut sitting here wanting to cut. which i haven’t done (haven’t cut, buthave thought about) in a month maybe more? i stopped keeping track cuzi kept messing up and starting all over again.

most i acan figure is that i need to keep myself slightly bsy afterwards for a bit cuz taking it and then mjust laying in bed, my head starts going and i would think the lunesta seems much more chemically-sleep inducting than other things, which just make you drowsy kind of as a side effect not their main purpose. so maybe i just am not estimating how long it takes to take effect. blah.

work for grace. don’t want to do it. overwhelmed. and i have to sit in on tx team, which i have no clue how to do cuz i’ve only done it ONE before. gah.

red, as i’ll call her for now, has emailed me and is really intent on meeting soon. i’m not sure how i feel about that. i mean. she’s so eager. we’ve only been emailing for a week or so. and granted, our emails are long and detailed. but still. i dunno. ghah.

shit i just remembered i’m s’osted to do thereapy after work. if i gte out on time. which i was thinking that i wouldn’t get out on time cuz it’ll be impossible for me to get that much work done. but on the other hand. ya know it’s not MY realjob so i’m slow at it so. blah. so maybe i’ll leave even if i’m not done.

not that i’m altgogether looking forward to therapy tomorrow cuz i have nothng good to say and won’t be able to say the bad probably. cuz it is too stupid and difficult to say by the light of day. some daysi wish i could just curl up in the corner and sleep. eheh. will prlly want to be crawling on the couch and sleeping by tomorrow afternoon. Graces job requires more backing and forthing than any other job that i’ve done there. i mean even when i float, i go between units a lot, and up to the admin wing and to the caf and stuff. but it seems grace is always to and fro’ing. or maybe i just do that cuz i’m not as organized as her and have to keep going back and getting things i missed, or looking up this and looking up that.

my stomach hurts. i shouldn’t’ve eaten. i had a devilled egg, which is one of my favourite foods, she gave me some bean burritto something or toher which i only took a bite of. a few pieces of cantelope and i ate 2 or 3 bites of potato salad. and it doesn’t all want to be contained in my tummy. gah. there’s no way i can spend the nite puking.

i want….things to be ok again. j always asks what i need, what i want. i need m and e to not be constantly bickering. i need there to not be a constant tension hanging over that house so that i can go over there whenever i want and not have to fear causing/interrupting any blow out fights. i need m to understand…

as we were hugging goodbye i said that i missed her. she said she missed me too and that “you know where I am…”

it’s selfish and i’d never verbalize it to anyone but….why can’t someone just…come to me? i know. 2 kids, a dog, a struggling marriage, a house impossible to keep clean, financial issues, dept chair stressors, theatre faculty stressors, summer theatre catasrophes, scheduling, orientation, cats. i know. i know she can’t find me wherever i am.

but it’d be nice. i guess. prolly not. i dunno what i need. i dunno what i want. certainly right now today it’s nothing good, healthy, or conducive to maintaining a tightrope balance of FINE-ness.

must go sleep, must must must. gawd. interview wednesday.

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