5/23/07

1. jay (and j, actually) and I are going to be neighbors.
I was walking home from the new place today and saw jay and his brother on a porch two houses down from where I’m moving. sweet.

2. my sister is having issues. like, wanting to divorce her asshole husband issues.

I feel like I should move in with HER instead of down the street a few blocks. Now I feel like I’m betraying her. Even tho she doesn’t know what she’s doing yet and even tho she didn’t ask me to do anything like move in. but I know she always wants me to.

Ok, first of all, we don’t really talk. We hint around things. it’s how we communicate. I’ve tried to change that, but it ends poorly. Anyways. So tonite I was on the phone with her and I heard her husband say something and she replied and it didn’t sound very nice and I was like “issues with the husband?”

yeah

“heh. well I’m sure if you kill him, mum’ll help with the body this weekend.”

i dunno sometimes. i dunno. [erm– not about the killing bit, we were joking about that]

“what, thinking about divorcing him?”

i dunno. i have to think about it. but i can’t do it [raise the kids and such] on my own. i dunno.
————-

so. UGH. Part of me wants to say “ok. kick him out. I’ll move in.” because that’s what sisters *do*

And. I love her house, and I’d probably have a kick ass time raising her kids

Of course, not 3 hours earlier, I was doing some intense thinking about where I live and about leaving this town, and wondering….I dunno. There’s the stuff with AJ and moving and, yeah, I seriously want to live with her and try to make a life with her. But as I was driving and walking thru town today, I just…..

I’m feeling pressured to move away from here. And my natural defense when my sister or mum give me a rough time about living here is to defend it and my decisions to stay here and to say I don’t necessarily plan on living here forever.

And maybe I don’t.

But. My reaction isn’t simply a defense mechanism.

No, I never envisioned living the rest of my life in this tiny town. No, there’s not a hell of a lot of opportunity to be had here. But….I love it here. Why do I have to leave? There are other lesbians here, raising children (somewhere. I don’t know any and never see any. But J insists they’re out there.)

And the first thought is that I don’t want to leave M’s kids and M. But….then there’s L, and E, and MC, and velma at the pet store and at the gas station, and streets that I know, and cemeteries that I can sit in at 3am. And I was sitting at the mexican restaurant after work the other day and knew 4 or 5 people that came and left over the evening and I thought to myself “you know you’re from _________ when you recognize half the people in the place” And…I do.

And part of me thinks “well, if you loved her enough, you’d move anywhere” and then another part answers “well, that works both ways” and then a third part answers “so obviously it’s more complicated than that”

And then about 8 other parts add their 2 cents (mostly in canadian pennies) and the whole of me gets overwhelmed and frustrated and joneses for a straight edge.

UGH. See, now I’ve worked myself all up again.

So, I’m multi-tasking right now, with Em. I’ll call her EA, cuz I already have an E, and it’s not the same Em that I call Em. heh. Here’s a clip of our conversation:

[22:15] Echo: can i ask a question?
[22:15] em: sure
[22:16] Echo: ok. so. i’m young, relatively speaking, and not entirely at the “ready to settle down” stage, necessarily. But. I feel settled in this town.
[22:16] Echo: or
[22:16] Echo: as settled as i’ve ever felt
[22:16] Echo: even tho my life isn’t exactly the picture of calm stable settledness.
[22:16] Echo: is that reason enough to stay somewhere?
[22:16] Echo: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
[22:16] Echo: sorry
[22:16] Echo: heh
[22:17] Echo: nm
[22:17] em: oh, i think
[22:17] Echo: *hums the smurf theme song*
[22:17] em: you generally know when its time to go
[22:17] Echo: ok
[22:17] Echo: but how do you know when it’s time to -stay-?
[22:17] Echo: or do you just stay til you know it’s time to go?
[22:17] em: sometimes a place just gets in you, and you are content
[22:18] em: with that place
[22:18] Echo: yeah
[22:18] em: because it helps everyything else make sense
[22:18] Echo: yes.
[22:18] em: so, you stay

———————————-

So. There’s that.

And the other thing I really hate??? Like, I go in to work and am sad and will get randomly upset during the day when I start thinking about AJ and how badly i’m fucking things up and D (the teacher I work with mostly, where I spend 2/3 of my day) will ask me what’s wrong or if I’m ok. And I want to pour my heart out amidst the smell of dry erase markers and carrots but…there’s that stupid fear of…will it make the rest of the year really awkward, will she suddenly hate me, etc etc.

blah. Whatever. I’m tired and just…blah.

And randomly, did I mention that the ONLY place within a 40 mile radius (at LEAST) that sells crickets and feeder worms is NO LONGER SELLING THEM????????????????????????????? WTF???