5/21/05

I’m really angry right now. Angry at myself for letting myself get really angry with RB. I know better. He’s five, ya know? He doesn’t know better and even if he does, he doesn’t have the means to control his emotions all of the time. Nor would I want him to have the means. But I was angry with him anyway. I went to DB’s dance recital and for the second half, M had to go backstage and take pics. RB decided he wanted to stay instead of go home. Fine with me, I was enjoying the concert. Things are fine til halfway thru the second number, in which RB starts crying and sniffling. I ask if he wants to go home and he says no so i tell him that he needs to calm down then. He does so and is fine for the second number. But then starts crying again at the third number. Well. People around us kept giving me dirty looks, and it’s not like I was enjoying myself anymore cuz he was obviously upset. So I told him we were going to which he said he’d stop he’d stop he’d stop. But he didn’t. So I said We’re going NOW. And he pulled his hand away and yelled at me- mind you, in the middle of a full auditorium in the middle of a solo dance number. So I pretty much just dragged him out into the lobby, where he cried loudly and noisely. All the way thru the halls and parking lot. Until he was in my car, at which point he was fine. No more tears, no more sniffles. *sigh*

Once we got home he went upstairs and I let the dog out and sat down to read. He came down a little later and was sucking his thumb and I told him if he wanted to suck his thumb, he could do so in his bedroom. So he went back upstairs and apparently fell asleep on his floor.

Again, *sigh*. While we were at the concert, too, he leaned over and asked me if I was babysitting him and his sister tonite and I told him no, I wasn’t and he was like “GOOD.”

And. Again. He’s five. There’s no way he could possibly understand how deeply that cracks into my heart. The only thing he’s aware of is that if I’m not babysitting, it means his mom will be home. Five year olds are entirely egocentric, it’s just how they are. I have no right to get upset or hurt by it. So. Whatever.

I worked from 11-400 today, to help cover staffing. That’s like, three days in a row that I’ve worked at the psych center. It’s not horrible but….I dunno. Maybe the thing with RB just got on my last nerve, since already today I’ve been called “meanie” “stupid” “horrible” etc. And because I had to call a code on a kid. In the MIDDLE of visiting. In a roomful of patients AND their families. I did everything I could (I think) to de-escalate the situation. But once he started kicking the wall (with no shoes on…) really hard, I had to call more staff. So they came and tried to get him to go calmly back to the unit. That wasn’t happening. So. They picked him up and physically carried him back.

Of course, 20 minutes earlier, another pt had to go back to the unit (this time with his mom and grandma tho) because he was sobbing and crying and hollering “but I wanna go hoooooooome!” which is disruptive to the other visitors. So he had visiting on the unit. But apparently when his family went to leave, he went for the door as well and started kicking, biting, etc and also had to be coded. No one ended up in restraints. But still. It’s just heartbreaking.

And Homie was s’posed to call me to go do coffee today. She never did. So I called her and left her a txt message. No response. Her car was at her apartment (no, I wasn’t stalking, her apartment is on my way to M’s house….) but I guess she must’ve been sleeping or out with the asshole.

Worked called while I was at the recital. I just called them back. They wanted me to work tonite, but someone already said they’d do it, but because of that, it messes tomorrow’s schedule up. So. I said I’d go in after the recital (yeah, another one tomorrow…so I’ll get to see several of the dances I missed tonite, and some others as well.) around 8 or so, and then finish out that shift and then work my regular night shift that I’m actually scheduled for. Then I have to meet Dr F up at the other campus at 3. Hopefully I’ll get in some sleep before then.

I didn’t manage to get my paychecks into the mail today. Which means I won’t get them in til Monday. Which means they won’t be deposited until Wednesday-ish. Which means I can’t pay my car payment. Actually, no. The car payment has my sister’s name attached to it. So I’ll pay that. Which means I can’t pay my cellphone or electric or visa bills. FUCK. I HATE THIS.

I hate being poor.
I hate being lonely.
I hate being angry.

RB apparently broke a mirror earlier today. The frame and shards were sitting on M’s bed. I won’t share the thoughts that were in my head as I sat at her kitchen table trying to focus on my book and not on the whitehot emotion boiling under my skin.

How good would that feel right now? Screw the nice straight fine delicate little superficial cuts. The thought of just dragging a shard of glass down my arm or leg or wherever, and pushing really hard? I want that. I shouldn’t, but. There it is. I do.

But it doesn’t matter. The mirror is at her house and I’m at mine. And I don’t have any mirrors the right size to break, not to mention that that would be a little too “premeditated” and would probably get me in a lot of trouble. I mean. It’s one thing to pick up a razor and cut. It’s another to find a mirror. Shatter it. Pick out a suitable piece. And THEN cut.

But if I could. In my head, I can just see the anger slipping right out with the liquids. Flowing away and leaving me in peace.

It’s fucked up. I mean. I’m not in school. I have plenty of time to sleep or read or do whatever else I want to do. I just spent a week with my adorable and sweet and huggable little nephew. I should NOT be stressed out. I should NOT be anxious. I should be FINE and relaxed and OK. i hate this.

Whatever. I did this stupid survey thing yesterday but never posted it. So.

Ten random things about me
10. I have a thing for weird/fun socks.
09. I have one tattoo and one facial piercing.
08. I can’t stand it when my wet hair drips onto my shirt.
07. I still sleep with stuffed animals. A lot of them.
06. I started college as a Secondary Education, Commication Arts major.
05. The only people from High School that I still ever stay in contact with are my best friend of 22 years and my art teacher.
04. I still remember being absolutely stunned and touched when the previously mentioned art teacher called me the summer I had my thyroid removed, just to see how I was doing.
03. It took me a (very) long time to come to terms with/adjust to/get over/stop being ‘angry’ when my therapist stopped having long silver hair.
02. I used to read encyclopedias for fun as a kid. (we owned 3-5 sets of them…)
01. I have a weird obsession for naming things. Animate, inanimate, or otherwise.

Nine places I’ve visited
09. New Orleans
08. Tucson
07. Los Angeles
06. Seattle
05. NYC
04. Seattle
03. Naples, Florida
02. Decatur, Indiana
01. Washington DC

Eight things I want to do before I die
08. make a difference
07. find reciprocity in a love-like relationship
06. Take a girlfriend home for Thanksgiving dinner!
05. learn how to play the guitar and/or violin
04. live in a place long enough to justify putting all of my cd’s back into their jewel cases, instead of always keeping them in a CD Notebook.
03. visit malaysia
02. Visit england
01. maybe publish something, just so I can have 3 or 5 pages of THANK YOU’s so the whole world knows how greatly certain people have impacted my life.

Seven ways to win my heart
07. Brush my hair
06. Sing to me
05. kneel down when talking to children, so you’re at the same height as them.
04. write me long letters (with correct grammar/spelling/punctuation. not -perfect- but…)
03. Have an open mind
02. Have a good sense of humour/sarcasm
01. Make me a mixed cd of all of my favourite songs (without previously knowing that they were my favourites.) (or really, just a mixed cd with all kinds of awesome songs would work too.)

Six things I believe in
06. the right to choose
05. gun control
04. peoples best intentions
03. therapy?
02. wow. this one is difficult?
01. i apparently have no faith and/or beliefs…oops.

Five things I’m afraid of
05. Being a disappointment
04. anger/tension/loud words
03. fire/ovens
02. people leaving and never coming back
01. letting people close

Four of my favorite items in my room
04. Electra (computer)
03. signed pics (Gillian Anderson, Alix Olson, Lucy Kaplansky)
02. my cats!
01. my pictures

Three things I do every day
03. Write
02. check my email
01. listen to music

Two things I am trying not to do right now
02. give in to bad urges
01. let myself spiral downwards.

One person I want to see right now
01. Sal. (don’t ask, cuz i have no answer.)