4/21/05 -edit-

i don’t think i did well on my pharm exam. tho regardless, i believe i’ll still do fine overall in the course.

cordova is just this side of dead, his water needs changed so badly.

there is a pile of dishes in cold, bubbleless water in the sink that was there all nite and all day today. and will be there all night tonite and probably all day tomorrow.

pandora is having major breathing issues. i mean. she doesn’t look like/act like she’s in pain, and it’s not constant, just sometimes she just breathes like she’s all congested, like she has allergies or something. and. there’s no way i can get her to the vet this month. i’m forseeing having to empty out and close my savings account just so i can afford the rent, gas, and electric bill. 2 of which were due last week, i believe. i guess it WOULD help if I’d deposit my tax refund and paychecks from school. Which equal like, 100 all together cuz the prof i work study under doesn’t ever have anything to do cuz she’s not really organized in any way and therefore can’t figure out stuff for ME to do until she gets HERSELF situated. And it frustrates me. And she asks me if I’m getting enough hours and I just smile and say “whatever you need done, I can do….” and she says “ok.” and lists off a hundred things.

that can’t be done til she gets around to getting them around.

i ate a bbq ham sandwich at Nikki’s bridal party we had today after pharm. because bbq ham was prolly one of my all time fav meat-containing meal. and i already know my iron is low, so i thought it might help that. so i ate it. and, not only do i now feel ill from it, i also feel like a bad, bad person.

aren’t self-imposed guilt trips fun?

there is an allies meeting taking place right now. i should be there. it’s the last one of the semester. i haven’t been to one (an informal one) in 3 weeks i think. but i can’t face people right now. because therapy was…

because my eyes are red and my nose is stuffy and my head is throbbing.

and i just ended up staying way, way, way past when i should/am supposed to. and i just. *angry*

and to add insult to injury, some random person i didn’t even know stopped me on the way home and was like “are you alright Dear? do you need help? Are you lost?” (???? cuz obviously a college-age person walking around a college town with a college-looking bag of books on their shoulder would OF COURSE be LOST? WTF. And if I WERE lost, would I be walking with my eyes boring holes into the toes of my shoes, not looking at any street signs or landmarks?)

And I shook my head, keeping my eyes staring at the ground because, well, because it’s the natural thing to do, for me, when walking down a street with tears slipping loose. But she just moved closer, ignoring my obvious signs of LEAVE ME ALONE and put her hand on my shoulder.

Ok. Had it been M, fine. Had it been J, fine. EVEN if I were obviously not wanting to be touched and they touched me, it would be mostly ok.

But some fucking random woman I’ve never seen before in my entire life? And it’s NOT like I was sobbing. I was just walking with my head down, yes there were tears. Yes my eyes were red. Yes I was sniffling a little bit. Yes I did shift my eyes up when i approached her because I didn’t want to bump in to her.

Yes. I understand she was trying to be helpful and kind and compassionate. But I wasn’t -that- visibly upset i don’t think, that would necessitate TOUCHING me.

I probably somewhat rudely ducked out from under her hand and mumbled something about having a bad day and booked it down the street.

cuz. ya know. i already felt disgusting and dirty and gross and filthy.

then for some fucked up reason i checked my cell phone and saw i had missed a call from Homie so i called her back even tho i couldn’t talk for all the cracking my voice was doing. she didn’t notice tho. she was on her way to fill out paperwork with someone. she said she’d call me back tonite.

i’m going to lay down because i work at 11. cuz I’m REALLY in the fucking mood to work. Really. Honest I am. *scowls* That place already seeps bad things into me when i walk in the door. When they’re already seething in my veins, going there just makes it worse.

Not to mention that apparently the old CEO quit and the new one is supposedly even WORSE. How that could be, I’m not sure. Guess I’ll find out.

Whatever.
—-edit—-
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. As if i’m not ALREADY an angerball on the verge of falling over the fucking cliff. I just looked at the work schedule. Take a wild flying fuck of a guess who I get to work with tonite….

KAREN McDIDIOT. *screams*

Not only THAT. It’s her. Sabrina the teenage witch. Jeff (he’s ok, except he thinks McDidiot is REALLY SMART?????? My theory there is that he’s definately gay and if he builds a relationship with her, she’ll be too STUPID to notice and he can keep convincing everyone he’s straight.:op ) And Dawn. Who I didn’t mind when she oriented. But unfortunately what THIS means. Is that McDidiot and StTW will be in charge on the units. Jeff will tech on the adult side, because he’s full time tech and only works the adult side. And because Dawn is an LPN, she will probably float. Which means. I get trapped on a fucking unit with one or the other of two people who drive me INSANE.

StTW doesn’t drive me quite as insane. But I have a grudge against her because of what happened last time I worked with that crew- her letting McDidiot tech instead of Float like she SHOULD’VE done, meaning *I* had to float, which I really didn’t WANT to do that night because I wanted to tech. And you know. Generally I have no preference, I do both jobs equally well. Both can be the same general amount of work, unless one unit is getting slammed and the other isn’t- then the float has a shitload more work to do, since they’re responsible for picking up all of the slack. So on the ONE night where I had a preference, StTW decided that McDidiot could tech because she was tired. And because her stupid ass disease was bothering her. Find a different fucking job then. I was ANGRY. I am never one to pull rank. Or rather, seniority. But I tried that night. Didn’t matter tho, apparently rank won out. Fuckers. Yeah, I’m still angry. Need to add them to the Baseball Bat list.

I swear to all things holy that if I get stuck teching on a unit with McDidiot, there WILL be bloodshed. My own. But shed, nonetheless. Why the hell not, I’m on a roll this week.

I can’t even call off, as I just checked my bank account and realised that I hadn’t yet made my car payment or loan payment yet this month. That’s another $145. And yeah, I got a paycheck from the psych center today. A whopping 70 dollars! Woohoo.

Too much shit, all at once. I’m a coward, I don’t want to deal with it all.

I miss living in the dorms. There were brick walls there. Walls made of cinderblock. Painted, but still rough, still hard. The wall here are smooth. And I would put a hole in them if I punched them. And the doorframes are shaped funny, making them inefficient for punching.

Anger, J says, is ok, with an appropriate target.

in my head, there is no appropriate target.

which leaves only

me.

fuckit.