3/6/06

haven’t sent it. dunno if i will. dunno much of anything right now. gonna go back to bed.

————-
Heylas Mum–
So…e-mail perhaps isn’t the best way to do this, but it’s the way I’m most
comfortable with. Writing is easier for me than calling, and I express
myself far better with written words than spoken. People tell me I’m quite
the poet, actually. Last year I almost won a scholarship to go to Chatauqua,
NY for a writer’s workshop/festival type thing. I got an honourable mention,
but not an actual award. Bummer. Not that I would’ve had the time anyways.
But still!

So anyways. I might as well get to the point…[H] mentions often how it
confuses you or that you don’t understand why I seem to avoid Patrick like
the plague, why I haven’t spoken to him in years, why I never want to visit
him, etc. Which is funny, cuz you’ve never mentioned it to *me*. There are
reasons for it, and while they are not complicated…well, they also aren’t
exactly easy to explain. I’ve not brought them up ever because of that, and
because I’m not at all sure how you will react. I’m not sure what good it
will do, if any, to bring them to light. [H], I think, is pretty sure it
will cause a lot of turmoil, which isn’t my goal. But. I’ve had a rough time
of life lately, very much so, and perhaps this is my birthday gift to
myself….to be more honest with you, even if it causes more conflict. And,
I do believe it will possibly cause conflict. One, simply because of the
nature of the situation and two, because it involves discussing a lot of
things I’ve not told you until now. And please, try to not be hurt by that.
It never was my goal to keep things from you or Heather or anyone. It’s just
how things went. So now I’m trying to “come clean” I suppose. Better late
than never, right??

So. You know I’m in therapy. I have been, on and off, since I was a
Sophomore (I think??) in college. Remember when I called you and asked if
our insurance covered mental health? You kind of got really angry and hung
up with me. I can understand your reaction now, and how you were probably
worried more than angry. At any rate, you called back later with the numbers
that I needed. It turns out that the insurance covered only a few people in
the area, several of whom I knew thru working with SAFE (the domestic
violence agency), and I didn’t feel comfortable seeing them to discuss my
private life, since I saw them at work a lot. It also didn’t cover the one I
was referred to by my wonderful friend [L]. Well, to make a long story
short, I ended up waiting a few more months and then decided to go to the
woman I was referred to- her name is [J]- and to pay out-of-pocket. She
works on a bit of a sliding scale, and [H] lent me some money as well.
So, I’ve been in therapy on and off since then. At some point, I ran out of
money but [J] continued to keep me on as a client, pro-bono. At one point
I even had insurance, so she got paid a bit, which was nice, since I felt
guilty not being able to pay her. But then I changed jobs and my insurance
changed, so it was back to pro-bono. I know you’re not a huge fan of therapy
or therapists- which confuses me, a lot! You’re a social worker, a D&A
therapist…yet, so often you’ve told me how therapy is all a bunch of crock
and therapists are only in it for money or personal gain. Which, you’re
certainly entitled to your opinion. But over the years, I’ve found therapy
to be really, really, extremely helpful.

It’s been a really difficult road, therapy. As far as I can recall, I’ve
always been a very quiet and private person. I suppose I entered in to it
because of depression, although I wouldn’t’ve labled it as such at the time.
Mostly it was the request of [L], who was a good friend/informal
counselor to me at the time (and also my supervisor at SAFE!). I had
disclosed some info to her that she felt needed to be dealt with on a more
professional level- I had told her that at times I would cut or burn myself
to deal with stress and such. (More on that later) So she referred me to
[J].

Thru the course of therapy, we’ve touched on a lot of issues. A major one
being communication and how the communication patterns I learned as a kid
weren’t really working out so healthily for me as a pseudo-adult. Or course
there were adoption issues too. Well, not so much issues with being adopted,
more issues regarding searching for Gloria and all that jazz. (So, don’t
worry, when you asked that I please not go thru the search process alone, I
didn’t, [J] was always available to me. And it’s kinda cool too, cuz one
of her daughters is adopted and biracial too!) The being gay thing wasn’t a
major stressor, tho we certainly talked about it a great deal. We’ve talked
about Timmy and Elmer and all the other general therapy-fodder too, of
course.

So, all of this does tie in together, really! One of the biggest issues
we’ve tried to deal with is Patrick. Well, in a sense, at least. It’s been
an issue for a long time, but since meeting [AJ] and getting closer
and closer to her, there are things that have gone from
issues-that-I-try-to-ignore to issues-I-can’t-ignore. At least, can’t ignore
AND carry on a healthy relationship with anyone. Intimacy issues, sexstuff
issues. I’ve never been a fan of men. Who knows why that is, ya know…maybe
Elmer, maybe too much work within the domestic violence system and seeing
how evil people can be, maybe too much feminist sensitivity. I really don’t
know. But I’ve not really ever been comfortable with guys around. Although I
questioned this, I didn’t think too much in depth about it since I had
plenty of other things to occupy my time and dating was never a high
priority. And, once I realized that I was gay, it became even less of an
issue. (And I’ve no idea your stance on why/how people are gay but NO, I’m
NOT a lesbian just cuz a lack of positive male role models!! People ask me
that all of the time…)

I’m rambling. Anyways. So. There was an incident with Patrick several years
ago…whatever year [H] got married, cuz it was after her reception
thing on the boat. Pat and Gemma and I all stayed at your apartment, when
you lived next door to Crazy Mary who set things on fire.
Nothing….’serious’ went on. But he did come in to my room and our random
conversation turned in to him exposing himself to me and then asking to see
my breasts, over and over again until I did. (which I’m ashamed of, yes.) At
which point he tried to touch me, but I slapped him and told him no, that if
he kept trying that I’d go get you or Gemma or whatever. He left me alone
after that. A few weeks later I spent a week at his house, so I could go to
that NF, Inc reception in Washington DC- you dropped me off halfway. We had
a brief discussion about the incident then, in which he told me he expected
I wouldn’t tell anyone and I told him I expected it wouldn’t EVER happen
again (to which he made a “huh!” noise, as if he was SURPRISED!!!). Anyways.
I spent the week stickingas close to Gemma’s side as I could cuz, frankly,
I was terrified that he’d try something else. He didn’t, and hasn’t since.
Of course, I have also pretty steadfastedly avoided him since.

So. Ok. That’s why I avoid Patrick and choose not to talk to him. And I wish
the story ended there. However. While that was an isolated
incident…there’ve been a lot of things that’ve popped up over the years
that indicate there may be more to the story. I don’t know if there is or if
there isn’t. I often times want to ask him, but don’t think I’d get an
honest answer…don’t know if I’d be able to handle whatever answer he gave.
But there are a lot of sort of red flags. Not being able to remember much of
my childhood. Which, I have a piss-poor memory to begin with, but
still….It’s odd to me that I have very few concrete memories from when I
was little. There are other things. The cutting and burning behaviours…are
often-not always, but often- indicative of some sort of abuse. And I don’t
know why I started doing it and certainly don’t think that I picked it up
from anyone. It just started, I can’t even clearly remember when. As early
as high school, I know that. What else…I dunno. I know you don’t want/need
to hear about my sex life. But really I don’t have one because it scares me
and any time I’ve tried to engage in it…it doesn’t work. I mean. My body
functions, but my head escapes elsewhere….(haha. No, this is not a
conversation I thought I’d ever have with my mother. geesh…)

There are other weird things too. Not necessarily with me, but. Well, I got
to thinking. About things like Linda, and why she left. And Timothy and I
were chatting online a while back and I asked him if anything had gone on
between he and I when we were younger and he said No, but that it was
interesting I had brought it up, because for years he had had to live with
the accusations, and that it was part of his “treatment plan”. And I know
you don’t like that I talk to him and I know you maybe don’t trust a word he
says. But. I have no proof to discredit him. He never gave me the willies
the way Patrick does. *shrugs*

And I remember how you’ve always said how much Patrick adored me as a kid.
How he’d come home and scoop me up and take me downstairs and just entertain
me for hours on end. And. I have one hazy ‘memory’ or something. Reoccurant
dreamlike thing…of being downstairs with him, I can’t recall how old I
was. Just being on his bed, something creamy white on the pillow, being told
not to tell mom cuz she’d think he was ill and not let him go to
school…………

And I dunno. I don’t know what to make of all of these things. I know it’s
been driving me near insane. That mixed with everything else, I’ve gone thru
some very suicidal times, have seriously considered voluntary committal to
some sort of inpatient mental health facility.

And I don’t know what I expect to come of this long letter. AJ asked me why
I haven’t told you, ever. She asked if I was afraid you wouldn’t ‘believe’
me. And my response to that is…well, I’m not really presenting anything to
be believed or disbelieved. I don’t know what, if anything, ever happened
when I was a child. I don’t know if I’m just messed up in the head or if all
those drugs Gloria was doing when she got pregnant with me have impacted me
in some odd way. Maybe I just want to not carry all of this inside me any
more. Maybe I hope you have some insights or connections that I’ve missed.
Maybe I just want you to understand why I don’t talk to Patrick, and
probably won’t for a very long time. I’m sorry I’m missing out on his
children and on Gemma, whom I really adore. But I found it getting to be too
hard to pretend that everything was hunky dory between him and I. I found it
easier, and more truthful to myself, to just avoid him altogether rather
than go thru the stress of being in his presence.

I don’t know if I need to end this with an “I’m Sorry” or not. If I do, then
I’m sorry. I know he takes wonderful care of you and is always there for you
when you need him, which is another reason I never said anything. I don’t
want to mess up your relationship with him. But. There you have it. It’s
about 3am now and I’m exhausted, so I should go. Thank you again for the
birthday card and check. And the little confetti’s, which made me laugh and
smile a lot :o)

I love you, bunches and bunches.
*hugs*
-[echo]-