11/8/05

didn’t sleep well last nite. don’t know why. took lunesta but woke up around midnite and was just…awake. And. confused, i think. cuz. i couldn’t figure out why i was awake. i couldn’t figure out why i wasn’t asleep. i couldn’t figure out what i was s’posed to be doing.

and then up again a few times in the nite.

maybe it’s cuz i’m sick. tho, didn’t feel horribly sick last nite. sore throat, but that was about all. has gotten progressively worse thru the day. lovely. now my nose is runny a bit and i have an occasional ‘productive’ cough. hooray for phlegm.

i guess the good news is….i’m not pregnant. yay.for.me *glares*

let me tell you how much i loved walking around all day in my lovely all-white nursing uniform. i don’t EVER plan on being pregnant. i just wish i could donate it all to science. there are PLENTY of women out there who WANT kids, but who have issues with their uterus or fallopian tubes or whatever. Why can’t I give them mine?? eh. not that mine are prolly exactly healthy, come to think of it. but. whatever.

so. clinical all morning. that was ok, except i had a lady that i’ve had *twice* before…once in TCU, then on the unit, and now she’s back. and she’s just like….i dunno. i ask her if she has any pain and she’s like “oh. *sigh* you know. *sigh* i always have pain. but what can you do? *sigh* i just ignore it. *sigh* grin and bear it *sigh*” And she acts so helpless. Like, she ‘couldn’t’ sit forward for me to put powder on her back, which is crusting right off on to the sheets- I’m surprised that her bones don’t show thru- but yet….i was walking in not TWO minutes later and her phone was ringing…she sat RIGHT up to answer it. ?? Whatever. At least my other patient was nice. He slept the entire time and refused a.m. care, and then he got discharge orders. so basically all i did was discharge his iv and pull out his peripheral lock. good times. *shrugs*

then i came home, changed, raced back to campus and had a boring post conference. rushed -back- home, wrote up a summary for my relaxation skills article and then raced (walking this time) to campus and made it just in time for class. felt like crap cuz my chest hurts and my throat hurts and i was trying to suppress my coughing cuz it’s s’posed to be all quiet and calm and shit. Then as i’m walking up to hand in my paper at the end of class, i realize that she’s announcing that our assignment is due on THURSDAY. NOT today. FUCK. Whatever. At least it is done.

Walk towards therapy, see M in the parking lot, she was on the phone, so I stood and waited for a bit but then she started pulling away and I realized she was just waiting for the kids to get off the bus, so I left. Gave the kids each a hug at least before going on my way. Walked to therapy.

They were drilling underneath J’s office. But not too much, so it was ok I guess. J read my journal then I gave her a copy of an email I had written to K a few days back, and a response from K. And J was like “Why don’t you read it out loud….” heh. Right. So I sat there and stared at it for a while, trying to just -start- reading it. Yelling at myself for not being able to just open my mouth and spit out words that were written RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. But whatever. I eventually did.

And then. J read K’s response out loud.

And. I’ve read her response about 95 times since she sent it. And. It made me tear up, choke up when I read it. But. Listening to J read it? I just. Wanted to. Break? or. Something. Hearing it, in a voice not my own…in a voice that didn’t add eye rolls or disbelieving “heh” noises at the nice, complimentary parts. Hearing, not just knowing but actually hearing the…compassion and kindness in all of those words…aimed at….me?

I just wanted to let go and BELIEVE. But that would’ve meant….a lot more tears than were already there. And it was already too close to 5.

My cats are curled up on the bathroom floor. Curled into nearly the same exact positions. And sometimes I can’t take my eyes off of them, they’re so…intriguing. And I chide myself and think “I shouldn’t love them so much, shouldn’t be so infatuated with them.” But. They’re just so…precious.? I just want to go curl up between them and be safe, be as safe as they look. Be as content as they seem to be.

Even tho as I was leaving for class earlier, I realized that the litter box needed changed. And when I came home there was a nice big pile of poop sitting there. A reminder, I guess. In case I hadn’t noticed, I s’pose.

My head aches. And I keep getting really cold and then really hot.

I DON’T HAVE TIME TO BE SICK.