10/10/05

heh. tenohsix on tuesday monday morning….

Every day I trip a little closer to the tempting terror of totality.

the weekend was filled with much….much. Tears. Fears. Confusions. Apologies. Sorries.

Some laughter, some studying.

I can’t continue at this pace. And I look around and everyone is running at this speed. But. I can’t catch my breath. I just can’t. I can’t make time for the things I want that I need because I have to always be doing the things that I need. If that makes sense.

I kept kind of randomly crying this weekend. Tears haven’t appeared so “easily” and quickly for such non-existant reasons in a long, long time.

Gawd I love that girl. But I don’t think I’m any good for her. I’m just one big package of stress and issues and contradictions and etc etc et al ad nauseum blah blah blah…

I feel like shit today. I feel totally depressed and I don’t know quite what to do about it. I need to talk to someone. But my phone is dead because…I don’t know why. I charged it for almost an entire day before I left and it died a day and a half ago- don’t know what’s up with that. And I don’t think Jan is around today up here and I don’t think Ang is either. And there’s no one else that I really care to confide in on this campus.

Not that I really have anything to say. Other than that I’m tired and stressed and depressed and in the same boat as every other frigging person on campus, etc etc.

I didn’t go to the Allies mtg on Thursday.

Therefore nothing is being done this week. NOTHING. Because….because no one really takes the initiative. I try to. This week, I just couldn’t. There were too many balls, I had to drop one. But no one cares enough to pick up the slack. No one cares. And it makes me feel stupid for caring in the first place. I’m just going to resign or quit or whatever. whatever. WHATEVER.

everything good goes away in the end…

I kept Seeing AJ this weekend. Just. Seeing her. Redfaux! hair and blue eyes. And just. Was overcome by how….beautiful she is. Just how….familiar(?) she feels and looks and smells and sounds. And was then overcome by the thought of losing her. Or pushing her away. Or her just getting so sick of my shit that she can’t deal with it anymore.

i just don’t know which end is up right now and it’s scary. and i’m tired of hearing myself bitch about it. and i’m tired of trying to fix it and failing. and mostly, i’m just tired.

i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that’s real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
i wear my crown of shit
on my liar’s chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
i am still right here
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way
nin