Worlds Divide

It’s hard to read or watch the news anymore. The news has become this sad pride of how this world is really becoming. A place that no one wants to live in. It’s not the fairy tale world we all hoped for. It’s quite scary, but yet you can’t just stop going out in hopes that you feel a bit different or feel safe. It just sucks. As much as you would like to help, where to even begin? It’s almost like when you sweep up all the dirt on a floor but yet two minutes later, it’s all dirty again, what’s the point?

I need to write more. I need to start imagining different worlds besides the one I live in. Sometimes I just need to get away and I think this is the perfect way to do it, well the safe way. Get myself lock up in another, whether it’s something I’m writing or reading.

Why is it when we feel relax and calm, we feel as though something is wrong with feeling content? It’s like we use our energy so much to feel this way, but yet when we reach it, we get bored or feel like there is more. Is there ever a balance of feeling completely okay with life? Sometimes I feel like if everything is okay, it really isn’t. It’s the strangest thing that you aren’t sure how to wrap your mind around it.

I love the upcoming season. There is just something "good" about Autumn. I guess I have my best memories during this season for it’s the beginning of school (Although I won’t be attending until the Spring), the cooling of the air and the return of new shows and old ones. It’s just such a great feeling. It’s hard to really explain it.

I have been living in the in-law suite for the past two years and feel as though it’s not me, but just where everything can be kept for now. I feel like it’s not me at all. I want to change it, but I feel like I’m just there temporary, but who really knows? Is it worth it putting the money out to make it more me or just wait and hope that the time will come for me to get my own place. It’s strange because I’m constantly seeing amazing apartments, but feel as though I’m restricted. I dunno.

Tomorrow is the second anniversary since the death of my boyfriend’s mother. A tragedy that I still haven’t accepted. I think of her often and remember how close I was becoming with her. Luckily I did have this one amazing conversation right before and I cherish it and play it over and over in my head, remembering the best I can of her voice. We both share a lot in common and I miss her dearly. I’m not sure how John will be feeling tomorrow, but I don’t want him to feel like he needs to do something, I don’t want him to think that I need to cling to him either. I shall just be there if need be. I can’t even fathom what he is thinking or feeling right now. How can you?