Ramblings

It’s not my birthday anymore. The clock has struck midnight, well past now, and I’m not the birthday girl anymore. Yet for some reason I can’t sleep either. I haven’t taken a nap either in so long, so who knows what my problem is. I just watched “Sex and the City”, a show that I have become obsessed about. I don’t really care for the whole sex stuff, it’s fun, but I love how in the beginning she starts her column with a question. It makes me ponder the question as well. Makes me wish I could write as well as her too. I’m 19. It’s my last year of being a teenager, although I don’t think I was ever one to begin with. I always belived that I was an old soul. Way past my years in just the way I think. I guess nothing phases me as much as it used to when I was, say a freshman in high school. My outlook is completely different and I’m constantly changing. I think too much to the point I overanalyze everything to be a complete negative thing. I never know why I do the things I do. I don’t think I could understand fully on what I am capable of doing. That’s why I don’t see myself getting marrying. How could anyone understand me? I think one way, but do another. I speak aloud my thoughts and still do something completely different. It makes me look like a hyprocritical person. But in fact, it’s me saying one thing, then thinking something different and then doing that. No one could ever read my mind. Maybe there is just something wrong with me. I am completely ready for winter break because I think I have already gave up on doing work and studying. I was never one to study in the first place. I know I’m not the best student but I do give effort every once in a while. I should take those pills I have seen that motivate you to do anything and everything, the legal stuff of course. I just don’t care, but in a sense, I do. I don’t want to waste days, yet I do it all the time. See what I mean about thinking and doing two different things. Another thing I tend to do is write random stuff in the middle of the night. Thus insomina kicks in and my brain may be working for once. It’s only December 4th and seems so late in the month already. Where have all the days gone? It’s strange how we look back on the past so often, yet not really look forward to the future as something new, but rather as something that will probably already occurred when we do think about it. We tend to delay everything by at least a day. I don’t think before I talk and therefore regret things I say later. I don’t care if I speak my mind, no one understands me anyways. I guess when I read this tomorrow, I will realize how crazy I do sound to other people. This, however, didn’t make me sleepy but more awake. Doesn’t help I have a test tomorrow either. I just had the urge to get out of my comfty bed and write. It worked but still not tired. I guess I’ll try some Nightquil or something. Night