03/25/2012

 I think the only chance I have to not be miserable for the rest of ever is to just be better.  Somehow, I have to turn the things that have been trapped in my mind into reality.  However, it’s difficult to do that when you haven’t really got anyone.  It’s also difficult when school, which takes up all of your life, is always in the way of everything…and when you’re not even sure you could ever actually be talented in anything, because you’re not, now and haven’t really ever been.

I’m just tired of being mediocre or bad at everything.  There’s nothing I’m exceptionally good at.  But, then there are these ideas I have.  They haunt me on a daily basis, because I’ll think of something and be like, "holy shit, this would be so incredibly awesome," but then, reason enters and says, "how the hell am I ever going to do something like that, especially if I have no one else supporting me/helping me accomplish those things, when I struggle so much, socially, and when I don’t even have the skills or time to develop the skills to make those things happen?"  And then, I also think, "would these things even be acceptable if I’m going to be working in the type of professional career I’m going to school for?"  I feel like I’m restricted in so many ways.  I feel like I’m just a dreamer, and that life just keeps shoving me down, putting me in my place.  I feel like that’s been reinforced by the way I’ve been treated by others.

I just wish I had the time.  While everyone else is out living their dreams, having the times of their lives without a care, I’m stuck here, stressing over the next exam, paper, or presentation, everyday.  I’m sitting here in my apartment doing nothing of interest because I have responsibilities toward school.  I’m here, going to class 6 days a week, working on my day off a lot of the time, and not even having whatever remaining time there is to do anything I want to do, because that has to be allotted to school, too.  The worst part is, I’m not even really good at what I’m learning.

Sometimes, I wonder if it’ll ever really get better than this.