01/19/2011

Yesterday, while I was waiting at the airport, I sent texts to Kevin to help pass the time.  There is a weight loss competition at work that just started, so he began running a couple of days ago with Vanna.  I didn’t get to talk to him afterward, even though he came home earlier than usual, because he fell asleep as soon as he got home and slept until work, yesterday.  So, anyway, I asked him how running went.  He said it had gone pretty well.  I told him I wanted to start exercising, too, and that I wish I could run with him.  He had responded to every text I sent until that one, and I think it’s because….he wouldn’t want me to run with him.  And, it’s not just limited to running.  I don’t think he really wants to do things or go to certain places with me.  I don’t think he really thinks about wanting to do things with just me.  I think he’s allocated a certain specific purpose for me, which is to be in the position of "girlfriend".  I’m there to cuddle with, have sex with, cook him things sometimes, and accompany him to social events.  And, there are other little things, like reading, watching something, or playing a game…those are things I do with him, but I think he does those things with me because I’m there, when I am there.  I’m talking about things.  Wanting me to be his partner in doing certain activities, such as running.  Having things aside from intimacy that are ours, and ours, alone.  Wanting to try something new, and wanting it to be with me, or wanting to go somewhere special one day, and wanting to share that with me.

We don’t have things that are ours only, anymore.  And, everything that was once ours became his and someone else’s.  Coriander, our favorite restaurant, became his and Julie’s, and now it’s his and Vanna’s and Vanna’s family’s.  There are things we had inside jokes about and would quote, and that’s his and Vanna’s and Vanna’s friends’,  now.  There are things he wanted to do with me, but that we never got to do, that he now wants to do with other people.  Just, things like that.  And, having a running partner, to me, is something meaningful.  I don’t get to participate in meaningful, bonding activities with him, but I always wish it were different.  Vanna is special to him, I think.  He wants to do everything with her, and it seems that he would rather do everything with her.  He devotes more attention to her when he’s not with her than he does to me when he’s not with me, even (I know he watches Buffy and spends some time online with me, but he’s alone during those times, so I’m referring more to things like texting/messaging, I guess).  Maybe, he wouldn’t mind, or would like to do certain things with me, but he would want her to be there, too.  It seems that it’s just not the same without her presence.  It’s just better with her, unless it has to do with sex/intimacy.

I always wish I were that one, special person.

Also, I rarely remember having any dreams, but I was dreaming this morning about people from school having some huge party next door, and I was with Kevin.  They started playing music, and I wanted to dance with him.  I have daydreams about dancing with him, even just slow-dancing.  In the dream, I was changing into my sweater dress.  I was starting to put on tights, and then I woke up.  Damn you, tights, for taking so long to put on.  I really wanted to dance with him :(.  *sniffle*