Oh What am I Doing?……

So went out with K39 last night. We didn’t go drinking…he had texted me earlier in the day and asked if it was ok if we went to dinner instead of drinking because the drinking was messing with him and his meds. I told him that would be fine…I was thinking I would have dinner, send him home and go out on my own lol.

So he comes and picks me up and is in a ho hum mood. Looking all blah. I asked him what was wrong,..he just said he was having a bad day. Apparently part of the PTSD thing…he has like really depressed days sometimes. So I asked if he felt like eating and he said yes so we went out. Got to the restaurant and had like a 20-30 minute wait….we stood for awhile and then a spot opened at the bar so we went and sat down. I ordered a beer – he got a soda. I had already got him to smile and laugh a little – by the time dinner was over he was all happy again 🙂 Got the bill…cheaper than expected cause they didn’t put my beer or the sodas on there…I didn’t correct it…gave the waiter a nice tip.

So we just got drive around for awhile — in the pouring rain mind you. Well on and off rain..the storm was crazy like that. Just drove around….played some CDs with him singing…it was fun.

Get back to my place and it is pouring. We just sat in the car. Mind you we sat in the car for like 2 hours…talking. Discussing all kinds of things…he did mention I talk about my ex a lot. I apologized. Told him for like e7 years he was my life – I had no other friends so anything I did involved him. I try not to but eh…it happens. He laughed and said it was fine..that he had worked really hard to not talk about his and was relieved it was me doing it lol.

Anyway so he asked me where I saw us going. I told him I didn’t know….which isn’t a lie. Yes I keep saying I am breaking up with him but then I am around him and it feels nice. I think we are a lot a like — we both tend to give too much in relationships – we both have days we need our alone time – we both have needy days – we both have days where we get snippy.

Of course then he tells me that he thought he would never get married again…but the thought actually crossed his mind the other day. He said he wasn’t saying me…wasn’t trying to scare me off…the thought just happened. Asked if I ever got married if I wanted a big wedding and I said God no. He laughed and was very happy about that. Then asked what time of year I would get married…I told him September or October – sometime when it would be cool. He was happy about that…apparently his first wedding was huge, in a catholic church in June, with no air conditioning – him in a tux. WTF kind of crazy person would plan a wedding like that. Her side of the church was full…his side had his mom and brother and a few friends. I told him I have my mom….that’s about it…and if I got married I would just have a small one. I get too stressed out and would be a total bitch otherwise. Oh and I also told him I don’t believe in long engagements or long dating periods before you get married…I said if you don’t know within the first year if you want to marry them or not, it isn’t going to happen. He agreed with me amazingly….what a man who doesn’t freakin look like you just grew a third eye on your forehead when you say it.

So then the subject of sex came up. He said he likes to hold me and cuddle and just touch me…there was plenty of time for the other stuff. I said but I really like the other stuff lol. He said I could have had him the other night if I would have jumped on top of him. I told him I was being good…if he wants to, he has to make the move for it. I told him I don’t like being the aggressor – he said he doesn’t buy it. I said no really…I like to be told what to do lol. They say the best submissives make the best masters hehe. We will see.

Oh and he said he doesn’t like to have sex until he knows he loves a person….and that he was pretty sure he did…I didn’t respond to that. I just kinda laughed. He has fallen for me totally – of this I am sure. He said he was taking it slow because he didn’t want to hurt me. Didn’t want me to get my feelings hurt if he was in one of his moods and didn’t want to hang out with me. I just told him I get those days too.I also said, this isn’t about me – you are scared of getting hurt. He said well I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared of that.

WTH the man is making me talk about feelings…bah bah bah. I don’t know what to do with myself. I have these reasons not to date him….there is soooooo much baggage. Oh actually when he was telling me he wasn’t feeling well, he remembered what I said about my ex always feeling bad… I told him well I know better now and I will drag you out of the house….and I have friends now. So I can go out on my own. He said he has no problems with me going out with friends whenever I want.

What the hell am I doing? I am going to destroy this boy. But when I am with him it is fun….he is so sweet….he would treat me like a queen. He was telling me he bought his mom a bracelet to cheer her up…and he saw a pair of earrings he thought this girl would like and he was thinking of buying them for her, I told him I appreciate the thought but it wasn’t necessary to buy me presents. His response was who said I was talking about you – lol. He is such a smart ass. I would be lying if all the baggage didn’t scare me — sick family to deal with, mental illness, some health issues – but at my age, you don’t find many people without at least a couple things like that…ok I know I a not old but you know.

Anyway…I don’t know. I do like him. He was a little cuter to me last night — which means I am getting feelings for him – cause that’s what happens. We are going to have to talk some more….I need some details on the ptsd. He asked me last night what the 3 things that my ex did that pissed me off the most..I said other than talk to other girls? That totally sidetracked us cause he was like wait…so he was about my age but a 5x? I said yes…and only 5’9" and at one time over 400lbs. He just said wow. I told him the ex was a good talker..could charm anyone online.

Anywho — that’s where I stand…still not knowing where I stand. I know where it could go pretty quickly….t

he questions is, do I want it to?

So lets review my list of things I want….

3 non-negotiables

job — check

car — check

place of their own — well no but can excuse since he is taking care of family

On to the others

Someone fun. — check

Someone that is a bit of a freak but can be sweet too. — unknown – I still think the sex department may not be be compatible 🙁 but who knows till I get there

Someone who is grown up.  — check – he has been taking care of his family forever – very responsible

Someone who can stand up to me and put me in my place when i get crazy.  I am normally totally easy going but occasionally the dam on the river of denial overflows and gives me a freak out moment. — I think he could do this – need to discuss with him

Someone intelligent — ok they don’t have to be a genius but good common sense and basic book smarts is a definite plus. – definite check – man is smarter than I am

Someone that makes me think of them when I hear sappy love songs. — check 😛  especially when he is singing them to me

Someone who can take care of themselves and honestly, who may want to take care of me.  I don’t want someone to be the one to do everything for me…I just want them to be able to give me a break once in awhile. — check – no doubt he could and would take care of me