Getting closer…

Less than a month until N and I get to move to our own place…I can’t wait. He said he is going to do me in every room as soon as we move in lol. He really doesn’t do well when there are other people around when we are trying to have sex but soon that won’t be a problem.

Anyway…so last night we got into this discussion about kids. It ended with him and J pisses me off. I get so tired of people telling me I wouldn’t be able to handle a kid but then turn around and tell me I would be an awesome mom — wtf. Of course then they both have kids of their own so I get the speech about how I don’t understand what its like…blah blah blah.

Basically I got upset and went to our room. When he came in he kept asking what was wrong. He thought I was upset because he had made some comment about me not being able to have kids. Then later in the conversation, he said something about I said I didn’t want kids….I told him I DID NOT say that….yes I said I don’t want a BABY – he said the same thing. But I know he really wants kids. I told him I said I didn’t want a kid right now…maybe in a year. We need time to settle with ourselves before we bring another person in. He asked me if I had ever gone to a fertility place — I was like ummm….when would I have had the money for that? And besides, I don’t want to be one of those people that end up with 6 babies lol.

This all ended with the truth being he is upset about not seeing his daughter at all for the last couple of years. He said that his ex’s kids helped fill that gap and keep his mind off of it. I feel really bad for him but I don’t know what to do… all I can do is let him talk about it. She turns 13 next year and can decide to come live with him if she wants….he is really hoping she does but on the other hand was like wth am I going to do with a teenager – that’s when they hate you. I told him they aren’t all that bad..I have been around quite a few of them actually – of course I get reminded they aren’t my kids…. god I hate that…. anyway it won’t matter unless it happens.

He told me thank you for letting him be him. That is not the first time he has told me that…. He has talked about all kinds of things that he said he hasn’t really talked about before. His best friend killed himself in high school – he was the one who found him with half his head blown off. He had to hold his friend’s mom down so she wouldn’t go upstairs and see it. The other day was the anniversary of it so he was already having a hard week.

He keeps apologizing .. saying he has a lot of shit. I told him don’t we all? Granted he has had a lot more tragedy in his life than I have..that’s why I let him just sit and talk about it whenever he gets in those spots.