My Father will never leave me

It’s long, and probably not worth the time to read. I just felt that I had to write something. I couldnt sleep and now its 3:00 in the morning and I hope that writing this will help me because its all I have been thinking about.  I wont feel bad if you dont want to read it because it is really long… cause I probably wouldnt read it either. I promise the next one will be shorter.  so… Later days-

April 24, 2002
  I was walking down the hall durring lunch with Julianna when I heard my name on the intercom, I was being called to the office. I walked the rest of the way to the commons and told Julianna I would be right back, so I ran to the office to see what I was wanted for. I walked in and saw my older brother standing there, he still went to the same school as me so I thought nothing of it, until I turned around and saw my 8 year old sister and my moms best friend, Cindi.  They all told me that we were going home, I had math after lunch so I was all for it, until I realized something must have happened.  I ran back to Julianna and told her I was going home, she could tell I was scared so she gave me a hug and told me to call her later.  walking out to the parking lot my sister Tiffany was skipping, holding Cindi’s hand. Cindi was smiling, but I could tell it was forced. Jason was busy eating his piece of pizza and trying not to trip over his untied shoes but I was well aware of what had happened.  I went silent.
   We drove home, slower than we usually would and Cindi asked us all where we would go and what we would do if we could go anywhere and do anything. Tiffany answered Disney Land and ride all the rides with no lines. Jason wanted to go off roading. I didnt say anything, I just wanted to go back to school. I knew that once we got home everything would be different.  As we drove around the corner to my house I saw my moms car, and my sisters car, but my dads car wasnt there. I turned to Jason who was in the back seat with me and said, “Dad’s car isnt here.  Something is wrong,” Jason just shrugged his shoulders and said not to worry about it. But it was too late.
     I got out of the car last and followed everyone inside. Walking up the stairs I could hear my mom and older sister trying not to cry.  I stood in the kitchen while everyone else walked into the living room. I didnt want to move. I didnt need to be told what happened, I already knew.  I felt it, I felt horrible and lost, I felt alone. Still standing in the kitchen I heard my mom say to Tiffany and Jason, “everything will be okay, we can make it.” Cindi went and stood by the door and then I saw my Bishop and Home Teachers and the rest of the Bishopric.  My eyes started to sting but I wouldnt let myself cry, I couldnt.  I walked in to the living room and everyone looked at me. I didnt say a word, I hadnt the whole time except when I told Jason something was wrong.  I stood there silent, watching my mother fall apart. watching her cry into the shoulder of my older sister and my brother, hugging my younger sister.  The Men standing there didnt say anything, I dont think they knew the right thing to say. I didnt say anything, I didnt want to, I wasnt going to accept what had hapened.
   My mom, seeing that my eyes were red and that I was shaking, got up and came over to me. she gave me a hug and then started to give us an explination.  she sat on the couch and told us that shortly after 10:00 a police officer was at the door telling her that Dad had been in a car accident.  He had been driving up spanish fork canyon, went into the wrong lane and was hit by an oncoming cemi truck.  His life was taken imediately.  Everyone was crying, everyone but me.  I couldnt, I wouldnt let myself. I wish I had but I didnt want to accept what had happened.  The bishopric gave all of us blessings and then left. Cindi stayed to call family and answer the phone and to help my mom out.  Heather, Jason and Tiffany all stayed with my mom in the living room. I walked slowly to my room and turned on the radio and sat there. I couldnt move, I could talk, I couldnt cry, I couldnt do anything.  Cindi walked in and handed me the phone, I didnt want to talk to anyone but I figured I would just say hi to who ever it was. 
I said, “hello?”  
 “Hey, this is Tara.  I was just wondering if you knew a David Webb?” 
“I do, why?” 
“I just saw on the news that he was killed and I wanted to know if you knew him. How do you know him?”
  I just sat ther for a minute but had to answer. “He was my Dad.  I have to go, bye”  then I hung up.  that was the most horrible phone call I have ever had. Just the fact that I had to use the word “was”, meaning he wasnt anymore.  After that I went outside to a tree house in my back yard to see if I could see a news report of what had happend on the tv we kept in there. I never could find anything on about it though.
  After that I called my best friend and told her what had happened.  We both just sat there on the phone crying for atleast 5 minutes until she told me something I will never forget.  She said one thing to me and then all I could do was cry and say thank you and then we hung up. I sat outside for hours, just thinking, not understanding what had happened and why it did.  Why did it have to be him, why did it have to be my Dad.  All I could think about was all the things I had done to him and all the things I said or didnt say.  That morning even, I said some things I shouldnt have and now I couldnt take them back. I couldnt say I was sorry and I couldnt tell him that I loved him.  I couldnt do anything.
   I dont know how everyone knew so quickly but everyone started to call or come by. Bringing food and hugs and flowers, I couldnt handle it.  All it was doing was reminding me of what had just happend.  I finally went inside and went to bed.  I decided that Friday I would go back to school. Jason and Tiffany were going to stay home but I couldnt. I had to pretend nothing had happend and go on with my everyday normal life.
  When I walked into my classes I could tell that no one expected to see me. I even overheard some girls I thought were good friends of mine say that I had come back to school too early and they thought it wasnt very respectful to my Dad. That hurt so bad I didnt know what to do.  I talked to a couple of my friends and just told them when the funeral would be and then decided to go home even before lunch.  I spent the rest of the day sitting in my room.

  Saturday came and we all had to get up and get dressed and ready for the funeral.  I cried most of the morning because I didnt know what to wear. I didnt know how I was supposed to look, I hadnt had to do this before.  My mom came in and helped me pick something out, I thought it was too bright and was afraid people would think I was be disrespectful again but my mom told me that dad would rather see me in a bright skirt and looking beautiful than see me in black and be sad. So I agreed to wear it, so I could look beautiful for my Dad one last time.
  So many people came to the funeral.  I didnt know half of them.  We had tostand in line and say hello and shake hands with people that came early.  It was amazing to see how many people knew my dad and how he had helped all of them.  After a couple hours of that they closed off the room that we were in and we had a family prayer.  Then we had to follow the casket into the chapel before we sat down.  As the doors opened and they started moving I couldnt hold it any longer. seeing my dad being taken away from me made me break.  I started crying as we walked out of the room.  I had barely cried until this moment and I couldnt stop myself this time.  I grabbed my mom and just cried while we walked into the chapel.  Looking be hind me there were so many people.  They couldnt even fit everyone into the church.  They had people in the halls and even people outside on the grass.  My uncle spoke, and then my dads best friend spoke. then we, as children were supposed to go and sing, I Am a Child of God but I didnt think I could.  Heather told me she would go up if I did, so I went up and tried to sing. I couldnt. I got the first line out and then I couldnt sing anymore. I cried the whole time and ever since then I havnt been able to sing that song.
   The funeral ended and my family got in this big black car and headed out to the cemetary.  It started raining when we pulled in.  At the cemetary it was basicly family and close friends.  My uncle said a little bit more and then my cousin sang “Bridge Over Tourbled Waters”, one of my dads favorite songs that he would play on the piano. Then we left.  It rained the rest of the day.  We had lost a brother, uncle, teacher, helper, husband and a father.  I had lost my Dad.  What I hated most was also the thing I loved most.  It was a closed casket. I didnt get to see him. I hadnt seen him since the morning that it happened.  the bad thing about that is I didnt get to say goodbye. I couldnt really tell him what I needed to say.  But the good thing is I will be able to remember him as the person he was when he was alive, not how he was minutes before he was burried.

Today makes it two years since then.  Two years without my dad.  Two years he couldnt tuck me in at night regardless of how I told him I was too old for that. Two years he couldnt sing me my favorite song, or play the piano for me, or help me with my homework, or go get icecream with me on my birthday.  Two years without a Father.  It never really sinks in all the way, atleast it hasnt for me.  Sometimes I act as though he will be coming home at exactly 7:15 like he used to and find myself crying when I realize he can’t.  But everytime that happens, I find myself thinking about what my bestfriend told me the day it happened.  Through all the sadness and frustration, she gave me hope.

 I didnt really lose my dad. He isnt gone for good. Sometimes I may feel alone, like he left me.  but he never really did. These past two years have been hard, but I am still here. Probably because he is looking out for me and still tucking me in at night and singing me my favorite song and being what I need, a Father.  He may not be here phsically but I know he is here, I can feel it in my heart.  My father will never leave me.