The wrong outlet

My mother has always used the quote, "Date and eliminate" when it came to me dating men. This came when I started dating my current boyfriend and she had herown reasons for not liking him though she has never met him. She has her opinions about my previous boyfriends too and I must admit they were much worse than what I hear from her about him, so I guess its not that bad. But she’s still telling me to "play the field"…see what else is out there. Well since me and the bf have been arguing lately, I did just that and I can’t take it back. I met a guy and we got along, got a hotel and I ended up having sex with him. Okay…that’s probably not what she meant about playing the field, but it was something of an outing to me at the moment. Something I could do on my own without having to listen to someone telling me this or that, no arguing. Nothing. And not to seem like a bitch but the sex was good. Boyfriend hasn’t made love to me in 3 + months so I guess in the back of my mind I was trying to find someway out of the situation I was in. Keep in mind I had NEVER done this before so of course, after he had fallen asleep I called one of my friends, told them what happened. Felt bad about it and all but I plan to not tell the bf.

But back to what I was saying…and the above had to do with what I’m talking about right now. Playing the field and all that can be fun but can always lead to guilty feelings and can hurt others. The one friend that has gone through this with me I tried calling that night but they didn’t answer so I had to call someone else. That in turn, lead to feeling like I had done something soo bad. Admittedly, by my standards, it was horrible and it was done and there was nothing no one could do but at the same time I felt relieved. The stress and anger I had been feeling over my boyfriend for the past month or so washed away a bit. Maybe because the person I spent my time with was listening to me and laughed with me and made jokes. With my bf I got it but with a totally different response if that’s understandable.

So many times I’ve thought about leaving him for someone else because I’ve felt so underappreciated by him for so many reasons. At one point I thought he was bi-polar because he switches moods so often and its transcitioning to me in a bad way. Its coming out in the worse way and I’m hurting myself because of it. My friend who I ended up calling that night told me that I haven’t been happy in months. That I used to talk about not straying away from my family and now they hear me constantly talking about getting away from it all and everyone. I talk about getting away from my bf and how he’s making me so upset and making me cry so much and causing me to stress myself out. 2 weeks ago I lost about 5-6 lbs because the stress of him was just so overwhelming my body. My hair was coming out, my clothes didn’t fit, I was constantly sleeping all the time. My body was just tired….and with that particular outlet I didn’t have none of that. But like I said the outlet was wrong. But…it was an outlet all the same. I got it out of my system.