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If I could describe the state of my life this week, it’d be turbulent or emotional.

I’m feeling rather sad. I try to look on the bright side of things, and I just feel some mixture of wariness and gratefulness for those things. Yet some part of me is afraid that what I put my hopes and/or happiness in will somehow become dashed as so often has been the case.

Yesterday I realized that a big issue with me is that I’m not selfish enough. I recall in undergrads while taking an ethics course, one of my classmates that I developed a connection with vehemently made me promise I’d do things for myself some day. I think she got annoyed with that request, like, “Oh I know it’s a paradox that I’m asking you to do something for me while the request is that you do things for yourself, but I really mean it. Please do something for yourself. You give so much to your family and the people in your life, for once just be selfish and do what you want.”

I was 23 then.

It was my birthday some days back and years have passed since that conversation with my classmate. After going through a lot of struggles and heartache since graduating I’m realizing that my biggest issues stem from not being selfish enough. I should think for myself as I’ve too often thought of others. I should make known my preferences as I’ve so much accommodated others’. I should be willing to take as I give a lot. I should serve me as I’ve served the many people around me.

I should be a little selfish, because then I’d be happier.

And it’s strange to think of it that way. I’m not sure if my concept of it is entirely correct but it seems there’s a “being selfish in the right way.” I just know that when I say to myself, “I admit I’m a selfish person,” it seems to feel like I give myself permission to ask for things, and to accept what others have to give.

And I’m seeing how having that attitude or mindset is actually better for this life. Maybe now, for once, I won’t feel like I wished I could catch a break.

I’ve renamed Cleo and Joan to Lucy and Sasha. It suits them more. Sasha is quieter, more hesitant to try new things, and very cute. I notice that she’s gotten better about maneuvering through my hands/arms as I try to tame her. She’ll gingerly reach down with her legs to further explore for example; she’ll know that if there’s a slight fall (it’s only ever an inch or so) to ball up her body for impact. She’s become less shy since taming her daily.

Lucy has always been more aggressive and domineering. She’s quiet hyper, active, and gets bored easily. She’s not very shy at all and isn’t afraid. She’s fallen a lot, gotten into more trouble than Sasha, and she’s more of a handful. She recently got into a biting phase and I’m trying to figure out how best to appease that at the moment.

I love that they’re my pets. They take away a bit of sadness and brighten up my days. It’s great.