102818 pt III

Is it possible to be in love with two different people at once? Not for me.

Before my ex there was someone else. My friend. I “picked” my ex because of how much he resembled him. Of course as time passed, he began to fade as my ex took center stage, but the fact that I’m suffering unrequited love even after all this time and all that’s happened, including breaking up with my ex, it makes me feel like I’ve been unfair to my ex.

I miss my friend, and it feels like I’ll miss him always. I didn’t realize how much he meant to me and I can’t understand why this has happened. Is it because I always tend to pine for the dispassionate, sensitive, unavailable ones– after they’re gone? I don’t know.
But it’s like he poignantly swept away my life, and now I’m a complete and utter mess.

With other guys I was able to move on. But this? It’s been years.

I think I’m in love with my friend; there’s no other way to describe this insanity, this prolonged affection with no external input, this loneliness, this despair.

There’s moments when I feel utterly alone and I think of him and how much I miss him. I sometimes think, if I could be with someone for a very long time, it’d be my old friend. I should have held on to him. I shouldn’t have let the currents of time and separation sweep us apart. I should have…

But no, he’s gone now, and I miss him. And that’s all I have left of this person– Missing. The longing is like a silent call into the night; it’s painful and poignant, and very apparent, and even though I know that there’s nothing I can do to appease it, it won’t stop.

I miss him.