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I notice I tend to put the songs that remind me of him on repeat. It seems fitting that I should be thinking of him more this time of year. It’s been 363 days since we last spoke. Tomorrow marks the day he had asked me to marry him and I’d said yes.

It’s astonishing how fast things can change. Even after we broke it off in the sudden disarray, I couldn’t stop the flood of happiness and peace that reverberated in the chambers of this heart as our world crumbled around me. I only eased the cold silence, the stillness of his absence, with love songs until the love turned to pangs, and the pangs to questions, and the questions began to cease. I found reality in the midst of loneliness.

But this song today reminds me of him. Of how he said he’d never love anyone else again. Of his empty promises and lies, and secrets, and endless brokenness, and the truths of his life that were so great and that broke him. Of all the good and bad and how, even now, some enduring hopeless romantic in me still thinks the cliché of how it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all is true.

I ask myself what he means to me now, and since finding out the truth all I can really call what we had was a dream. A beautiful dream. A lie with a shattered ending.