102218

It is typical that mornings are met with a rush of cortisol. Maybe that’s why we sometimes, oftentimes, recall nightmares upon waking. Maybe the dreams our minds conjure at night are influenced by the areas of our brain responsible for emotions which are further influenced by hormones. Maybe the way we feel, the impressions that make up our perspectives and thus tell the stories of our lives, are connected to our memory. Maybe this conglomeration is why we are who we are; maybe when whittled to our most tangible parts, we’re nothing more than a building block of chemicals that synergize into more than the sum of their parts.

Today I’m feeling rather stressed. I’m stressed about my job. I was in work yesterday from 11-3. I did drive to the coffee shop to study for a bit afterwards, but I was so tired I fell asleep.

The bright side is that I forced myself into bed at 830 last night, even if it meant half an hour of simply staring at the ceiling. The other bright side is that I’m not as tired today, and I was able to get up early enough for my morning exercise, which I need for peace of mind and clarity.

I get nervous about my job. I know the stress is mostly wrought on by my employer. Sometimes I think about what it’d be like if I didn’t need to be employed, if money weren’t an issue, if I didn’t care for her publications– What would I be like. What’s more, where would I be?

I think I’d be different. For one thing, I wouldn’t be as afraid. For another thing, I’m not sure I’d stay here because I haven’t a strong vested interest. I mean, it’s certainly interesting. But it’s not what I love.

And maybe that’s the hardest part in all of this; it’s that I’m still not where I love.