Selective Amnesia

I don’t know where my memories have gone. Ironically I distinctly remember thinking as a child, ‘How could anyone just forget their life? I’ll never forget the things that have happened in mine.’ And now, years later I have so few memories of my childhood it almost makes me want to cry. I had a conversation with my mother. "Don’t you remember ____?" she’d ask. "Nope. I don’t remember that at all," I’d say. Even things that were big, important – they’re stories now, not my own memories.

I was looking over old entries from 2001. Seems like a lifetime ago. Seems like I’m reading the life of a completely different person. What frightens me is that when I’m forty I’ll be reading this and feel the same disconnect. I don’t like the idea of feeling so separated and different from who I was in the past. Granted, in 2001 I was in junior high school so it makes sense that I would be very different now. There are two things that I found oddly consistent between myself in 2001 and myself now. There are several things that I was/am absolutely certain of, and there are several things I was/am totally unsure of. What’s funny is that the "things" have changed. What I was so certain of in 2001 I may not be so certain of now. What caused me confusion in 2001 is well understood now. But of course some things remained the same. Faith, God, Love, Hope. Despite all the changes, and all the disconnect and dislike I feel from my past, these things have remaind the same. They’ve shifted and merged, and changed shape like water in various pitchers, but their substance is the same. A few years ago I had a favorite phrase which was, "Love is an ever changing shape." I think I amended it later to, "Love is always the same. It is our happiness within that state of love that changes shape."

Knowing that faith in God is the strongest vein I feel running from my past to my present, I am comforted. Perhaps I will not feel as disconnected when I am forty from my current age as I thought. Perhaps I am not as disconnected from myself in 2001 as I thought.

About selective amnesia. I’ve heard that people tend to forget more of the negative things in their life and remember more of the happy things instead. I’ve heard it’s a survival method, a way of trying to make one’s life better by forgetting the bad experieces. This makes me concerned about my lack of memories. I did not have a terrible childhood. I was never abused or even made fun of in school. I had friends. I started singing. There is nothing to complain about. But I don’t remember being happy. I don’t remember feeling carefree. I don’t remember feeling child-like even though I was a child. Now that I am older, now that I am actually moving into the adult stage of my life, I feel so sad about this. I feel this loss that I can’t really explain. I hear other college friends talk about their childhood, and all the silly things they used to do and I feel envious. Why don’t I have those memories? In comparison to the memories of my friends I feel like I didn’t even have a childhood. But what makes me even more concerned is the possibility that I’ve chosen to forget. But why? I mean, no one’s life is perfect! Everyone has family problems, and friend problems, and school problems. And not to downplay the importance or severity of these problems, but they are common and happen everyday. Nothing tragic happened to me. I was not traumatized. So why on earth would my subconcious choose to forget things in my childhood?

I don’t know. Maybe there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me and I just can’t remember for whatever reason.