Kissing Outside of Middle

I never wrote that we kissed. I forgot that until today. A friend of mine and I ended up talking about it last night, though the kissing took place a few months ago. In summary, I had a role in a show in which I had to kiss my play-boyfriend and I wanted to ensure my confidence, skill and calmness by having a little "practice" session. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but trust me, it served its purpose because I did my show-kissing very well. Seeing as how I don’t have a boyfriend, he was the next best option. Otherwise I would have put my other male friendships in a very awkward position. 

I knew it would be weird, I knew it might have a strange affect on me afterwards and for months, even years to come. I was prepared. So while I dislike some of the feelings I have now about the "practicing," I don’t blame him in any way. I know this was my decision and I own it. In several ways I’m not sorry at all that I did it.

I guess my only real dissappointment is that when I watch a moive and two characters kiss, or when I hear other people talking about their experiences, their boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives, all I can think of is him. All I can think of is the way we kissed, what that felt like, how I’m sure it will feel different with someone else in the future, wanting to know I’ll be kissing someone else in the future. Whenever it comes up I think of him, and I wish I didn’t.

He really was great about it, so considerate. It’s hard to reconcile that since I decided over a month ago to quit him. (For lack of a better term, break-up…again.) It was the right decision, he wasn’t treating me the way he promised he would. But when the memories of his kindness, sense of humor, and all our somewhat intimate time together replay themselves in my mind I feel so deeply, yet quietly sad. It’s not an anger, or rage or even disappointment, it’s just this saddness, this mourning. He feels dead to me. Who we were in our relationship feels dead. Maybe that’s why I’ve been slacking in school since then; no one knows or understands (I barely understand) that I’m grieving.

I saw him last night. I joined a community choir and he is in that choir. I knew I’d see him in rehearsal. We made eye contact once and smiled, but to my knowledge he didn’t even look at me the rest of the night. I thought he would say hello to me at least, but he acted as if I was less than an acquaintance. And all his questions suddenly had answers.

"What will I do when you graduate and move away? What will I do without you?"

"What would I have done if we hadn’t made-up and become friends again?"

"I would have been at such a loss if I would have lost you for good."

You will be fine when I graduate, I easily slip out of your life. You will continue just fine without me.

You would have gone on, making other friends to fill my slot.

Apparently you would not have been, are not, and will not be at a loss. Your attitude makes this clear.

If he ever decides to speak to me I know what I’ll tell him.

"I don’t know how to be friends with you without us getting close again. There’s just no way to do it. Either we are what we are, which is very close, or we have to be nothing. And being close means I will get hurt again, and I’m not doing that. So that’s why I’m distant, that’s why I’m done. If there was a way to be in the middle I’d do it, but there is no middle place for us. We passed over middle a long time ago. We’ve gone too far and there’s no way to take that back or earase it. There is no natural distance between us so I had to create some. I’m not sorry because I’m worth more than being put on your back-burner. But I am sorry there’s no middle ground. If there was you know I would meet you there."